That Place Called "There"

So there's this place that I've heard of. A place where single women go to find peace with being single. In this place, I've heard that your focus is strong and your vision is clear. In this place it's ok to desire your husband without being concerned about his arrival. In this place no woman fears the unknown. In this place, you just live your life...happily. How do I get to that place??

I admit that I've struggled to find this place, but I know that each day I'm getting closer to it. Some women make it sound so easy to get to however in my experience it hasn't been that easy. I think about about my future husband a lot and sometimes its aggravating. I remember praying to God a little while back about removing the desire of my husband from me because it was becoming so depressing and painful. God explained to me that there was nothing wrong with desiring my husband however I was letting my desire control my life. I realized that I was in a horrible place. I needed to get out of this place where my future husband was becoming a present hinderance. There are five important things that I began doing to regain control of my life and put my focus back on target:

1.  I CUT OUT ALL DISTRACTIONS
Sometimes when people aren't dealing with their problems properly they negatively cope with them by engaging in distractions. A distraction is defined as:

The process of diverting the attention of an individual from 

a desired area of focus and thereby limiting the reception of 

information.

I highlighted some key words in this definition. Engaging in distractions is a process which means that multiple actions are taken over time in order to achieve a particular result. Sometimes single women cope with being single by continuing to entertain men and activities that get their eyes off the prize. I think it's important to know what the prize is. The prize is NOT your husband ladies. The prize is to live a life that is pleasing to God. Remember why you're in this race:

"Don't you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize?

So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that

will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. 

I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do 

what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be 

disqualified."

I Corinthians 9: 24-27 (NLT)

After being reminded of WHY I was in this 'race' I realized that I had to get rid of everything and everyone in my life that was a distraction. I realized that I was guilty of entertaining men who were throwing me off track. Entertaining may seem innocent and fun but it's one of the biggest traps the devil uses to keep a person away from their purpose. When you provide or are being provided with amusement and/or enjoyment as the result of an interaction or activity YOU are participating in entertainment. Perfect example, remember the guy "R" who I wrote about in my "Don't Get Caught Up In Chemistry" post? That was me entertaining someone and allowing myself to be entertained by someone on and off for an ENTIRE DECADE!!! Bottom line is HE HAD TO GO! Any man that was distracting me from my purpose and living a life that pleased God had to go! Any man that interrupted my preparation for my future husband HAD TO GO! I also cut back on my activity on social media because it too was distracting me from my goals. When athletes are trained, they're constantly reminded to keep their eye on their opponent, the finish line, the basket...in other words THE GOAL!

2.  I COMMITTED MYSELF TO GOD
I've learned on this journey, that before I commit to any man in holy matrimony I must commit myself to God FIRST in holy matrimony. About two months ago I realized that waiting for my husband shouldn't feel like a life sentence. My thinking alone let me know that I was disconnected with God. I wasn't too happy with some of my behaviors either. I made up in my mind that I needed to reconnect with God ASAP! Believe it or not, just because you're saved (living your life for Christ) that doesn't mean that you're ALWAYS connected to God. Sometimes we lose our way and need to be redirected and reconnected and that's OK. I realized that I had really lost my way. I allowed depression to overtake my mind and whenever I thought about my life, I thought negatively. I thought I was being punished, I thought God had forgotten about me, and I thought that my mistakes disqualified me from the blessings that I was praying to God for. The devil frequently talked to me about how much I've messed up and how bad those mess ups were. It got to a point where enough was enough. I had hit rock bottom in my spirit and I knew I had to do something BOLD. I knew that I had to get myself together and get back to God!! God was the only One who could get me out of the pit that I had found myself in! I made the decision to commit myself to God FOR REAL. I mean I had to take a hard look at myself and see that I was going in a direction that was AWAY from God. I was walking away because I had become afraid and I was tired. Even in my own negative way of thinking I could still hear God's voice calling me back to Him. I listened, I turned around, I fell at His feet, I wept, I repented, and then I committed. I committed to this relationship and promised God to give it my all. It was then when God taught me about the meaning of wedding vows:

"I, Juanita, take thee, God, to be my life partner to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better,

for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish..."

I can't just walk away from God when things get hard. I have to stay with Him because when you love someone...that's what you do. If I can't truly commit to God...how will I ever do it with a man??

3.  I CREATED HEALTHY OUTLETS

I think that a lot of women put their energy and emotions into vacuums. Ok let me explain. A vacuum is a household appliance that is used to pick up small unwanted objects off of floors. In other words we use this thing to suck up pieces of trash. Are you being sucked into unnecessary drama with a guy? Are you crying over a guy that doesn't deserve your tears? Are you giving your body to a guy who has no intentions on making you his wife? Well if the answer is yes to any of this questions you have created an emotional vacuum for yourself:

"The vacuum that some people strive so assiduously to avoid is really a

vacuum of self. When we're not enough for ourselves (i.e., can't 

somehow fill our own vacuum), we can't help but focus our attention

on what we can import into ourselves to feel more whole and complete."

~Dr. Leon F. Seltzer

Being a Christian doesn't make you immune to human feelings and desires. As women, it's in our nature to want to be wanted, to want to engage in sex, to want to feel love and give love, and to want to feel sexy and attractive. Even though these things are NATURAL, Christian singles don't necessarily act upon what is in their nature to do. Speaking for myself, I discipline my natural feelings by putting that energy into positive and constructive people and activities that help me feel good without jeopardizing my standards. I INVEST IN MYSELF. Now what I'm specifically talking about is this, I don't let my natural feelings and wants make decisions for me. If I have a desire to be sexy, I'm not going to take a picture of myself in lingerie and post it on Instagram for likes BUT I will go and buy something from Victoria Secret for myself (for my eyes only) because going to VS makes me feel good. I began writing as my outlet (hence the birth of this blog). I blog, write poetry, create cute life quotes, study the bible, and I journal. Sometimes I don't always feel like writing BUT I've seen that writing keeps me from making bad decisions when I'm feeling stressed, sad, or lonely. Instead of calling that WRONG guy, I pick up my notebook and just start writing. I also began attending church REGULARLY to keep my spirit strong and to maintain a healthy and positive social life. One thing that I did also as a creative outlet is this:

This is a vision box. I know a lot of you have made vision boards but God instructed me to create a vision box for my husband to present to him on our wedding day. So when I'm feeling lonely or sad I don't search for the wrong guy to talk to, I first bring my feelings to God in prayer and then I write a note to my husband. This work of faith helps me to stay focused on what is to soon come for me. 

4.  I HAVE ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS (AP's)

Sometimes, when you've walked a road for so long you start to doubt your own ability to keep going. Being single has been a long journey for me and I've made some mistakes, got down on myself, and lost hope. This is where my AP's come in. I have three people outside of my small circle of friends that I can talk to about my struggles. Now, that's not to say that I can't talk to my besties BUT sometimes people feel apprehensive about being completely and 100% transparent with their best friends because they know too much information already. People don't want to be judged and sometimes we fear judgement from the people closet to us. My AP's don't know as much about me as my besties do and this makes it easier to be transparent with them. AP's are great to have because they're close to you but not so close to where as they can't be objective in the advice that they give you. My AP's were selected by God and this is also important. If you're going to be 100% honest about what you are struggling with, you need to make sure that the person you're telling can be trusted with the information you tell them and can give you SOUND advice:

"Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked,

or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers."

~Psalm 1:1 (NLT)

The bottom line is, you need people who you can share your truth with. I mean your REAL and most DEEPEST truth. The purpose of an AP is to help you to keep a commitment and in order to keep a commitment you must be held accountable for your actions. 

"Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by sin, you

who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the

right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.

Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. "

~Galatians 6:1-2 (NLT)

We have an obligation to hold each other up as we walk our paths. It's important to share our struggles with others because it destroys the devil's plan to isolate you and give you a psychological and spiritual beat down. Sharing your struggles challenges you to keep yourself open and connected to sources of help and guidance. Know that you cannot reach your destination on your own, you're going to need help and if you ask God, He will direct you to the right people to have in your corner.

5.  UNDERSTANDING MY ADVANTAGE

"There is a difference between a wife and a virgin.

The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be

holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things

of the world, how she may please her husband.

And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what

is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction."

~I Corinthians 7: 34-35 (NKJV)

I know that it feels like you've been single FOR..EVER but one thing that has helped me embrace my singleness is understanding the advantages of being single. Right now I have all the time that I want to spend with God. I get to talk to God whenever I want without distraction, I get to learn from Him, and just be with Him whenever I want without having to pull myself away due to other obligations. Right now, I don't have to share my time, my money, or my personal space with anyone. I don't have to make meals for anyone but myself. Whenever I want to pick up and take an impromptu vacation I can and I can go wherever I want (I love traveling solo)! I go to sleep and wake up at whatever time I choose. I'M ON MY OWN SCHEDULE! Right now I can focus on the purpose that God has for my life without any distractions. I believe that God has individual goals for us as well as marriage goals when we marry. Singleness is the stage where you can complete your individual goals (getting your degree, starting your business, moving to a new state, making a job change, etc) so that when you marry your focus can easily transition into working on your marriage goals. A lot of times marriages suffer because one partner feels as though they have to sacrifice their individual goals that they were working on to switch abruptly to working on marriage goals (being parents, buying a home, financial stability, keeping date nights, etc). Please allow yourself the time to see your own personal dreams manifest so that you can feel the wonderful joys of accomplishment that you want so badly as a single person. If you don't allow yourself the time you need to grow and achieve you will resent your future spouse and your future children for forcing you to put your dreams on the back burner.

The place that I'm trying to get to...is called contentment. I'm excited about this place and all of the wonderful things I will see and learn when I get there. I'm determined to get there BEFORE I'm introduced to my husband. So, my journey continues...

If you would like to read the entire article written by Dr. Seltzer please click the link below:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200903/human-nature-abhors-vacuum-too

When It All Falls Down: Trusting God in the Press

Last Thursday it felt like the weight of every single problem in my life just fell on me. I'm sitting at school with my face in the palms of my hands as I shake my head from side to side. All I could say in my head as I deeply exhaled was, "Oh Jesus.....JESUS!". I know the vision that God gave me about my life. I used to see it so clearly, but I haven't noticed until now how blurry that vision has gotten. That's the devil's goal, to get you so weighed down with problems that you begin to lose sight of God's clear vision. It comes to a point where we focus so much on the problems we have that we forget that we know the ultimate problem-solver!

For the last few days I've really felt my spirit fighting. Sometimes I would just have to stop whatever it was that I was doing to take a deep breath. I actually felt like I was out of breath and I just needed a minute to regroup. I now understand that my spirit was in heavy battle. Fighting against unclean thoughts, against fleshly desires, against doubt, against fear, against worry, and against unbelief. The other night I felt like just tapping out and giving up but my spirit wouldn't let me. That's when God whispered in my ear, "Trust me in the press." The press?? What did that mean? I took the time to think about it. When something is pressed, it means that pressure has been applied to it in order to flatten, shape, or smooth. I've always thought of the word press in a negative way like when my back has been pressed up against a wall. I thought of something being crushed under an intense force. God challenged me to abandon what I thought I knew about this word and adopt His meaning. This is why God tells us to not trust in what we think:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding;

In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3: 5-6

God insisted that I think of the word press in a positive way. God explained to me that He is pressing me in order to flatten out my faith in order to make it expand. God told me to let these situations, these problems, and these worries fall right on top of me AND TO NOT BE AFRAID. Now when I thought of my faith being flattened, I became concerned and a little confused. God pointed out to me that I was still using MY definition to understand HIS meaning of press. My definition included the word crush. Now crush doesn't mean the same thing as press even though both words involve intense pressure. When something is crushed it's broken into pieces and ultimately destroyed. In contrast when something is flattened it remains whole, the object is just in a different form. I'm learning that I have to let go and let God. I'm very familiar with this saying, I've said it to myself several times but saying it and living it are two completely different things. Letting go is easier said than done BUT God tells us to do just that:

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt

you in due time, casting all of your care upon Him, for He cares for you."

I Peter 5: 6-7

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Matthew 11: 28-30

In His word, God tells us to give all of our problems and worries to Him so that He can take care of them because He cares about us. In order to do that we must humble ourselves. Being humble means to set aside your own importance or what you think is important. Humbling yourself requires you to admit and accept that some matters are bigger than you and there is nothing you can do to bring about a particular outcome. Once you understand this, you will be able to submit yourself under God's authority and you will step out of the way because you know that God doesn't need your help in resolving your issues. Remember, some battles God will fight with you to win, but others will require you to just step out of the way completely so that God can fight and win the battle for you. Sometimes we find ourselves fighting out of our emotions and you cannot win this way. A tired soldier, a soldier who has been hurt badly, or a soldier who is not prepared cannot fight and God knows this which is why He needs us to trust Him to win on our behalf. God also instructs us to REST. In Matthew God talks about taking on His yoke. A yoke is a wooden beam normally used between a pair of oxen or other animals to enable them to pull together on a load when working in pairs, as oxen usually do; some yokes are fitted to individual animals. Yokes are tightly fitted around an animals neck or horns so that the person guiding them can use only slight tugs from the attached straps to direct them without hurting them. When God tells us to take His yoke, He is saying that He wants to direct and guide us. God wants a tight grip on us so that we can feel the tug of His spirit when we begin to get off track. Making the choice to let God lead is not difficult, rather it's our stubbornness, our fears, and issues with being a control freak that makes the choice difficult.

When it all begins to fall, I encourage you to just let it all fall down. When I get home from school the first thing I do to get the weight off my back is drop my heavy backpack onto the floor; I don't think twice about it. All I think about is how good it will feel to get this heavy weight off of me and REST. I want us all to apply this way of thinking to our problems. When things get too heavy on your mind or on your heart...let it all fall, not to the ground but in God's hands. Don't worry about how you will make ends meet, don't worry about your children, don't worry about the state of your marriage, don't worry about the doctor's report, don't worry about how you did on that test at school, don't worry about your future spouse, don't worry about how long you will be in this trial...DON'T WORRY just let it all fall down. Humble yourself, submit to God, trust God and rest in His promises to take great care of you! The press is hard I know, but always remember that there is a reason for the press and it's to make you ready for the next level!