(Photograph taken by Jennifer Alder)
I remember when I was about 15 years old, I had a boyfriend named "Jordan." I had the biggest crush on Jordan in middle school! As with children that age Jordan picked on me a lot once he found out that I liked him. His actions made me think that he didn't like me at all, I mean he talked about me and made me cry, he pulled my hair, he even tried wrestling with me once! Well...all of that seemed to change once we went to high school. Jordan started meeting me at my locker after school, writing me love notes, and then he admitted that he liked me. I wasn't quite sure how to process this because for all of 8th grade he completely dissed me but now things had changed?? We were only in 9th grade so its not like that much time had passed. "You know what...WHO CARES!" I thought. It didn't matter what caused Jordan's change of heart, he liked me now and that's all that mattered! From that point on, we were inseparable. Jordan and I began catching the bus together to and from school and we spent a lot of time at each other's houses (Jordan stayed within walking distance from me). Everything was going great! My middle school crush was now my high school boyfriend...my first REAL boyfriend and I was on cloud 9 because MY boyfriend was oh so fine!
Well after about 7 months, Jordan began pressuring me to have sex, now keep in mind... I was still 15 years old and so was Jordan. At this point I began to feel weird because I didn't know what to make of what he was asking me to do. My parents never talked to me about sex so I didn't understand the concept...a part of me didn't want to understand. I knew nothing about sex but I did know that I wasn't ready for it. I remember the day so well. Jordan came over my house and we were playing video games in the basement (SIDE NOTE TO PARENTS: ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CHILDREN IN OPEN SPACES WHERE THEY CAN BE MONITORED WHEN THEY HAVE FRIENDS OVER. SO MUCH CAN HAPPEN OUT OF YOUR SIGHT!) My dad would often work outside in the yard and my mom worked long hours so I wasn't monitored a whole lot on the rare occasions when I did have company over. Jordan and I weren't having sex but a lot of other physical contact was being made. We didn't engage oral sex either (I didn't even know what that was at 15) but we did make out a lot. Making out involves heavy petting/rubbing against/feeling on and lots of kissing. I never removed my clothing but those interactions were still pretty intense for 15 year olds. On this particular day, after we were tired of playing video games, Jordan turned to me and asked me when would I be ready to have sex. I honestly didn't have an answer because I didn't want to think about sex. I was happy with making out and playing video games. I looked at Jordan and I could tell that my hesitation was annoying him. I had to come up with an answer, so I told him the best most truthful answer I could think of. I looked at him and said nervously, "I don't know. Maybe I'll be ready when I'm 18." I figured 18 was a good age to be ready because I would be all grown up by then (yeah right) but that's honestly what I thought at the time. "Eighteen??!" Jordan exclaimed. He arose from the couch and headed towards the stairs. He looked at me and shook his head and I watched him go up the stairs. "He's leaving!!" I thought. I began to panic. "He can't leave, I want him to stay!" I got up and called his name but he was already out the door. I had to do something to make him come back, but what?? Fifteen is the age when I displayed my first act of desperation connected to a man...well boy in this case. I caught up with him and he told me to stay away from him. Shattered, I continued to follow him at a distance. I didn't want Jordan to know that I was still following him so as he walked down the street, I walked down an alley parallel to the street hoping that when I exited the alley he would be there. Now how desperate was that?? Allies depending on where you live can be dangerous. I lived in a pretty good middle class neighborhood but still I was a young girl walking alone...anything could've happened to me. When I exited the alley I did see Jordan and he turned around and saw me. He walked up to me and said, "Look, I told you to quit following me! I'm not waiting til I'm 18 to do it because I started at 13 so are we gonna do this or not??" With tears in my eyes I was silent because I knew that I couldn't give him the answer that he wanted. "That's what I thought." He proceeded to walk across the street and I knew there wasn't a point of going after him. I slowly turned around, wiped my eyes with my shirt and walked home.
This was my first encounter with desperation...at the young age of 15...unfortunately it wasn't the last as I grew older. It's not easy for a woman to admit that she's acting desperate. Admission of desperation isn't easy because it's a double admission. A woman admitting that she's desperate is also admitting that she's lacking something and with that comes shame and embarassment. Every woman's reasons are different. My reason for acting desperate at different points in my life was I didn't want to be alone. I lacked security and love as a child and this void...this dark and deep void...caused me to feel afraid every time I was by myself. Jordan was my first distraction. When I was with him, I didn't think about the scary things going on at home or going on within myself, so when he left that fear crept up on me like a monster and I did anything I could to get away from it. From that experience I learned that to not feel afraid, I needed a man. That led to me putting up with and settling for any kind of man...just so that I wouldn't be alone...just so that I wouldn't have to face the scary things. That's how desperate I was.
I'm thankful because NOW I'm only desperate for one thing and that's GOD. When I showed men my desire to do anything to be with them, they took advantage of me and turned right around and left. The efforts I put in to AVOID what I was afraid of always led me right back to the fear. I gave my life to Christ in August of 2008 and that happened because I made a desperate move. At the age of 23 I suffered the most horrible trial of my life and that trial almost made me take my own life. I had to do something...and with every piece of energy that I had left, I crawled to Christ. I crawled because I couldn't run...shame and suicide were slowing me down...but I crawled right to the altar and gave everything I had to God.
"Now a woman, having a flow of blood for twelve years, who had
spent all of her livelihood on physicians and could not be healed by any,
came from behind and touched the border His garment. And immediately her flow
of blood stopped."
~Luke 8: 43-44 (NKJV)
My question to YOU is, how desperate are you?? What lengths would you be willing to go to in order to get to God?? This woman was so desperate to see Jesus that she pushed and pressed through a crowd of people just to touch His clothes for a healing! Her desperate action resulted in an IMMEDIATE blessing!!! In Genesis 32:24, Jacob was so desperate to receive a blessing from God that he wrestled with God ALL NIGHT!! In Luke 19:4, Zacchaeus was so desperate to see God that he climbed a tree just to get a better view! Again I ask, how desperate are you for God?! I remember how desperate I was in my attempts to make Jordan stay. I was willing to follow him for blocks through and alley just to get his attention, but the reality of the situation was that Jordan couldn't do anything for me. The best thing he did for me was walk away. God showed me through all of my experiences with men that He would NEVER leave me and He would help me to face my fears! This is why at the age of 32 I'm so desperate for God! I'm desperate for the One who has all that I need and desire. I'm desperate for the One who loves me like none other. I'm desperate for the One who knows me better than anyone. I'm desperate for the One who gave His life for me. I'm desperate for the One who has never broken my heart or my trust. I'm desperate for the One who blesses me beyond measure. I'm desperate for the One who saved my life! I'll do whatever it takes to get more of God. I'll hope when I feel hopeless, I'll tithe when I'm broke, I'll believe when I'm surrounded by doubt, I'll have faith in what I don't see, I'll praise when I feel like crying, I'll worship when I feel like giving up, I'll go to church when I'm tired...I WILL DO WHAT IT TAKES TO GET TO HIM!!!
Please understand that being desperate for God isn't a bad thing. Words depending on the context in which they are used can take on totally different meanings. Being desperate for God doesn't mean making extreme efforts to convince God to pay attention to you. You have God's attention because He loves you and is always thinking about you. Being desperate in this context means just wanting MORE:
"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!"
~Psalm 34:8 (NKJV)
I thought that this article was good in helping to explain what being desperate for God means. Hopefully it can help to bring more understanding:
I encourage you to go after God with all that you have. Chase Him, seek Him, trust Him...
These are perilous and desperate times that we are living in today and we need God!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Do whatever it takes to get whatever you need from God!
