Life Isn't A Movie

Recently I went to see a movie titled "Girls Trip" starring Regina Hall, Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett-Smith, and Tiffany Haddish. The movie (without giving it away) is essentially about four close girlfriends who drifted apart over time and decided to reunite for a fun girls trip to New Orleans. I thought the movie was HILARIOUS and I actually saw it twice! This post is not about a review of the movie rather a concept that I've seen time and time again when it comes to movies like this. Now when I say "movies like this" I mean romance movies and romantic comedies. Girls Trip is not a romantic comedy per se BUT there was a small focus on romance. 

In general though, with movies in this category, the story line goes the same way almost every time. A woman is unhappy in a bad relationship and while she contemplates whether to stay or to go the perfect guy is just there...waiting on her to choose him. After a sudden epiphany, the woman ends things with the "bad guy" and she immediately starts a new relationship with the "good guy" and they live happily ever after (happy sigh). Not every romantic movie follows this storyline BUT a lot of them do. In essence, the movies who do portray this storyline give women a false reality of how to prepare for the right relationship. It's very rare that I've seen movies where a woman decides to end a bad relationship and then takes time to be alone to recover and be healed from what she exited out of. Typically it's only AFTER she gets into this new happy relationship that she begins to work on herself and turn her life around:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkUvBCW-tS4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcZJYzaIwdI

I've seen both of the above rom-coms (romantic comedies) and they both follow the storyline I described above in creatively different ways. In both of these films unhappy women quickly find themselves in new loving relationships after being by themselves for about five minutes (lol) and that's just not the way things go in the real world. I guess that's why movies like these are made because maybe the truth of how things really go with relationships is just too hard or depressing to deal with and people just want to see how things would go in a perfect world. I don't think that there's anything wrong with getting a break from the reality that we have to live and endure every single day. Hobbies, vacations, and storytelling help us to break away even if it's just for a few hours. 

Here's the thing though...sometimes we as women unconsciously expect life to be like the movies. We expect that the men that we meet will sweep us off our feet with the most romantic words and gestures. We expect to run into the perfect guy right before we break up with the problem guy. We expect there to be no gap in time when leaving one relationship and entering into another. We expect all endings to be happy and everything to just...work out. Well, I'm here to tell you...LIFE ISN'T A MOVIE. Now don't get me wrong, movies are a unique art form, they capture and illustrate ideas of the mind in ways that are magical. The issue here is not movie story lines...not at all. The issue is having illogical expectations based on a story...because that's all movies are...visual stories.

The reality is that the perfect guy isn't waiting around for you to decide who you want to be with. There is no such person as the perfect guy. So when ending a negative relationship, it will be up to you to take the time that you need to get yourself ALL THE WAY together before entering into a new relationship. A lot of times relationships fail because people don't take the time to heal from a previous negative relationship. The journey to becoming whole before entering into a new relationship isn't often shown in movies and I think this is because it would make the movie way too long haha. It's easier to just show the problem and the promise while leaving most, if not all, of the process out of the script. I think that's what we do sometimes, we skip out on the process and try to go straight to the promise in our own way and then we get upset when things don't work out like it did in the movies. I remember when this movie came out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEQBSvtt3xQ

"Two Can Play That Game" is about a intelligent, driven, strong woman who tries to control her relationship with a specific set of rules to punish her partner for making a mistake. I know I wasn't the only woman to write these rules down and try to implement them in real life! Needless to say these rules didn't produce the heartfelt happy ending as it did for Shante (played by Vivica Fox) in this film.

I find that certain movies help to validate my experience as a single woman and that makes me feel good because it means that someone else has had these experiences too. Meagan Good-Franklin directed and produced a great movie called "Love by the 10th Date" and this movie reflected various aspects of the struggles of being in relationships or just trying to get one to start:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HT10PJkpjJ0

I want to you to study these scriptures:

"The human heart is the most deceitful of all things,

and desperately wicked.

Who really knows how bad it is?"

~Jeremiah 17: 9 (NLT)

"Guard your heart above all else,

for it determines the course of your life."

~Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

When the bible talks about the heart, it's not talking about the organ that pumps blood throughout our bodies. The heart in a biblical context is referring to your emotions, intellect, feelings, and spirit. The reason why I'm talking about your heart is because if you're not in control of your heart you will be deceived by your own thoughts and emotions making you believe that something is true when in reality...it's not. The heart is a source knowledge, feeling/emotion, and volitional activity. Always make sure to pray about your heart so that you can enjoy life for what it is and not what you think it should be based on what you saw in a movie.

Ladies look, there's NOTHING WRONG with seeing a movie that makes you feel good by giving you a mental vacation. The best movies are the ones that help you to laugh when the reality of life makes you want to cry (or kill somebody lol). When watching romantic movies always keep your thoughts and feelings in check! Don't walk into the world thinking that the movie is still on play. 

Thinking about a PhD??? (Part II)

Ok so in Part I of this post, I shared a portion of my testimony about getting admitted into a PhD program. In this post I will be walking you through the basics of applying to a doctorate program. So lets get to it!

I have to say that growing up I was NOT prepared for college. No one in my family ever talked to me about the importance of getting a college education. No one motivated me to push beyond high school. My schools didn't emphasize college either (I know isn't that crazy??). It wasn't until I entered into doctoral studies and comprised a presentation in one of my classes on black culture that I understood that society has set up minorities to fail in several aspects. Poor educational systems and lack of funding for inner city schools are examples of how many children in the black community are programmed to believe that college is not something to aim for. I can only speak from my experience as a young black girl from the eastside of Detroit in the 90's. In high school, my counselor never talked to me about the purpose or importance of the ACT (American College Test) so I didn't take it seriously. I took it and got a score of 15 which isn't great at all. I barely heard of the SAT (Scholastic Assessment Test) so I never took it. That's how I know God has been with me through this ENTIRE process because the world didn't care if I made it to college or not.

As a black woman, it was only when I decided to apply for graduate school that I saw the racial divide in the classroom. It was rare that I saw another black student in my class or even within the faculty unless they were in the Africana/African-American studies department. Remember, I was a psychology major. I realized fast that I was different in this field and everywhere I looked reflected my differences. Even though my university promoted diversity, I was still the only black person in my master's class. To look around and not see one person who you can understand your ethnic/cultural experience as a student is disappointing, but I couldn't let that stop me. I guess I really noticed the racial differences because unlike undergraduate classes where a classroom can be as large as 100+ students, graduate classes are much smaller, and they continue to get smaller the higher you go up the academic ladder. My master's class started off with 12 students (but only five of us completed the program). At the PhD level, there are only four students in my class including me. In my program now I'm not the only woman of color but I am the only black student.

The purpose of this post is to show you how to apply to a PhD program, if this is something that you have been going back in forth in your mind about. I want to dispel any myths about the doctorate degree that might be intimidating you from applying. Most of all I just want people to know especially minorities that YOU CAN get a PhD! YOU CAN! I know that society has sent a message that minorities don't quite fit in this domain of education but I am a living testimony that if you want it to happen...GOD CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN FOR YOU! You are intelligent enough and capable enough of having PhD behind your last name!

• WHAT SHOULD I GET MY DOCTORATE IN?
• There are so many areas to explore with a PhD! A PhD stands for Doctorate of Philosophy and you can earn a PhD in any discipline except medicine. The key to choosing the right area is to look within yourself. For me, I had to ask myself, "What is my purpose? What work am I here to do? Who am I here to help? What area(s) would I like to study and work in for the rest of my life?" For me, those areas are counseling and education. God showed me my purpose when I was very young so every college course I took had to do with psychology and counseling. Everyone's path isn't like that and that's ok. I would suggest that you begin thinking about this sooner than later though. If you have a bachelor's degree, you can be admitted straight into a PhD program (depending on the institution) and you can attain a Master's along the way by completing a thesis or certain exams. If you already have earned your master's degree, you can continue your doctoral studies in that same area or an area that is closely related (for example I switched my focus from psychology to counseling however since these areas are so closely related it was fairly simple to cross over). If you pick an area that is not closely related, most institutions require additional coursework to be completed before being admitted into a specific doctorate program. Lastly, and probably most importantly DO NOT I repeat DO NOT choose to pursue a PhD because you want to make tons of money! I know professionals that chose a paycheck over their purpose and they HATE going to work everyday. I'm not saying that money isn't an important factor but it shouldn't be the only factor that you look at.

• WHAT PROGRAM SHOULD I CHOOSE?
• When choosing the right doctorate program for you it will be important that you take time to DO YOUR RESEARCH!!! Take into consideration location. Are you willing or able to relocate to another state or two hours away from where you live now? Look at faculty research interests. Does any faculty member have similar research interests as you or new research interests that attract you? Look at the courses listed for the program. Look at the length of the program. Are you willing and able to commit to what is required?? Make sure to visit the campus and check out the environment and schedule an appointment to speak with an advisor. 

• SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!
• I know for me, I refused to take out any other loans for my education. I already had accrued loan debt from my bachelor's and master's degrees. I knew that going forward into my PhD I wanted it to be DEBT FREE. What most don't know about PhD programs is that a lot of them are FULLY FUNDED. When researching programs, look to see how they will fund your education. Being fully funded means receiving a monthly stipend for your living expenses and a tuition waiver. Some institutions also offer health insurance. In exchange for funding, students work for the university as graduate assistants doing both teaching and research. Full funding is the primary reason why PhD programs are so competitive. Typically PhD programs only admit a very small number of students because of the limited amount of funding. Also look for other sources of funding such as minority scholarships, fellowships, and research awards. If a university is not clear or does not provide full funding for your PhD you should consider applying elsewhere (click on link below): 

https://www.profellow.com/fellowships/how-to-fully-fund-your-phd/

• WHAT DO I NEED TO APPLY?
• In order to apply to a PhD program you must make sure that you read and provide all of the required materials. Its helpful to make a checklist to make sure that you don't miss anything. Most applications require the same materials. The link below is from Stanford University in California however I followed the same procedure when applying in Michigan:

https://ed.stanford.edu/admissions/application-reqs/phd

• Make sure to take the Graduate Record Exam or GRE for short. Your GRE scores need to be submitted directly to the universities that you are applying to. The GRE is like the ACT and SAT that is taken in high school. It is a standardized assessment test that is taken for entrance into graduate school. The GRE is used by many graduate schools to determine an applicant's eligibility for grad studies (click the link below to read more about the GRE):

https://www.petersons.com/graduate-schools/gre-test-description.aspx

• WHEN SHOULD I APPLY?
• Most doctorate programs only admit once a year, typically December first. It will be important to make sure that you verify program deadlines to make sure that you get all of your materials submitted on time. Make sure that you give yourself plenty of room. For example, when I was applying to grad school two of my recommendation writers submitted their letters later than I expected. It was only because I requested the letters earlier than I needed to that the letters were submitted on time. Always account for the unexpected. Create a timeline for yourself:

https://www.princetonreview.com/grad-school-advice/application-timeline 

I hope this information helps and encourages you. Dare to go for your doctorate!!! I want to be the first in congratulating you on your admission FUTURE DOCTOR!

Thinking about a PhD??? (Part I)

As a first generation black female college student, I never thought I would've gotten this far in my education. When I look back at how far God has led me, I remember God has always reminded me of my destiny of being a doctor. When I was 9 years old, I used to dress up in a nurse uniform and go to "work" lol. Work was me going to the basement aka the hospital, lining up all of my stuffed animals aka my patients, and making registration forms to get them all checked in to be seen by the doctor. I would be in that basement for hours...just me and my patients lol so cute right?? My destiny was confirmed again when I was 17. I was a junior in high school, taking my intro to psychology elective course with Mr. Johnson. I loved every class and I was so excited to learn such interesting things about human thought, emotion, and behavior. During that semester I knew that I wanted to be a psychologist. With the confirmation I received in Mr. Johnson's class I knew what path I wanted to take in college. I knew my major before I even applied for college! I attended an on-site admissions event at my high school in my senior year and was admitted to Wayne State University starting in the Fall of 2003. I walked on campus KNOWING what I was there for. I didn't need time to think about it or figure it out...I knew my academic path. God knew that I didn't have time to waste so He made sure to start ordering my steps when I was 9. My boyfriend at the time was very confused about what he wanted to do and wasted months taking classes, switching majors, and essentially wasting time. We had broken up in my sophomore year and I was devastated! I now understand that God was removing him out of my life because he was a distraction and I needed to stay on course to becoming a doctor!

After graduating with my masters degree from Wayne State in 2013 (my masters is in counseling psychology), I took a few years off to work. I didn't see the job that I was employed with at the time as the job that I would retire from. I began to feel in my spirit that this job didn't line up with my destiny. I needed to get back on one accord with my purpose. I had become so comfortable with my horrible job that God had to make things very UNcomfortable for me. After being promoted to supervisor at my job I began to think that things were getting better, and the urgency that I felt before to leave began to fade away. I had the big office, my name on the door and everything but things still continued to get worse. Nothing I tried to do (and Lord knows I tried) made anything any better. As soon as I put out one fire, 5 other fires would break out and God told me, "If you're trying THIS HARD to make this work, it must not be meant to work. Let it go." That's when I was faced with the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life...the decision to quit my job. When this decision had come, I was in my doctorate program for 2 months. I was trying to go to school full time and still work a full time management position. I was overworked and stressed! God again told me to let the job go and focus on school full time. I knew why I was being stubborn in quitting. I didn't want to quit because I knew what I had to sacrifice...I knew the cost...and I was afraid. This reminds me of when Jesus first called His disciples to follow Him:

"When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon,

Now go out to where it is deeper, and let down your

nets to catch some fish."

~Luke 5:4 (NLT)

I encourage you to read all of chapter 5 but basically when Jesus began recruiting the men that would be His disciples, He called them to do things that they weren't used to. In this verse when God speaks to Simon telling Him to cast his nets into the water again, Simon had been fishing all night and hadn't caught any fish. He explained this to Jesus:

"Master, Simon replied, we worked hard all last night

and didn't catch a thing. But if you say so, I'll let the

nets down again. And this time their nets were so full

of fish they began to tear! A shout for help brought

their partners in the other boat, and soon both

boats were filled with fish and on the verge of sinking."

~Luke 5: 5-7 (NLT)

I could only imagine what Simon must have thought when God instructed him to cast his nets back into the water. The important thing to see here is that even though Simon knew what the past results were he was OBEDIENT and did what God said ANYWAY. Look what happened after He followed God's instruction...Simon's net was filled with so many fish that he had to get help from another fisherman just to get the fish into his boat! Not only that but there was so much OVERFLOW of fish that the fisherman who came to help Simon also had his boat filled with fish! They had so much fish that their boats almost sank! WOOOOOW! This reminds me of when I first applied for my doctorate. Many people think that me getting admitted was so easy but it wasn't...not at all. When I first applied for my doctorate I was REJECTED!! That's right, I received 4 rejection letters in the mail. Not to mention that my GRE (Graduate Record Exam) scores were in the LOWEST percentile (I'll explain the GRE in Part II of this post). Basically the GRE is an exam that you take when you apply for a degree higher than a bachelors, at that point you're entering into graduate level study or grad school. 

Getting the first rejection letter was ok because I figured I had 3 more chances to get a yes so one no was ok. As the rejections continued to come, I got more and more discouraged. I thought that I wasn't smart enough to get a PhD...that had to be it right?? I remember getting one of the letters and pulling into a parking lot on my lunch break and just crying with my head on the steering wheel. I thought for sure that at least one of the schools would've said yes. I remember coming back in from a trip and the last letter was in my mailbox. Excited, I ran upstairs and called my boyfriend and told him to come over. He came over and I told him to turn on the camera as I read the letter (I wanted a victory video). When I opened the letter on camera, without reading it I saw that there were only 2 sentences which was way to short for a congratulations letter. I didn't get in. That was my last chance I thought. Now I had no plan, had to return back to the job that I couldn't stand, and rethink my future. Shortly after the last rejection letter, I broke up with my boyfriend (who I thought I was going to marry). I broke up with him because God told me to (and I knew that I needed to). God told me on that day that if I didn't leave him He wouldn't be able to help me. Help me with what?...I wasn't sure. I did what God had instructed me to do, as hard as it was, I was obedient. I understood much later that God again was removing the wrong people out of my life so that I could continue my course to fulfilling my destiny. My destiny is what God wanted to help me with and as long as the wrong people were in my atmosphere His hands were tied. Sidenote: Just know that where God is taking you...everyone won't be able to walk beside you.

So after the rejections and the breakup it felt like my world was turned completely upside down! This is the point where I was promoted on my job and I felt like things were getting a little better. After a little while, God used my coworker to remind me about applying for my PhD again. Almost one year had passed and I wasn't sure if I wanted to feel that rejection again...it took enough for me to get through it the first time. As God instructed Simon, He also instructed me to again cast my nets into the water. Just like Simon I explained to God that my GRE scores were the lowest of the low and I had already been rejected multiple times BUT if He wanted me to apply again I would. God instructed me to apply to only 2 schools. I applied to the schools, prayed, and didn't think anything more about it. About two months later I received an email from one of the schools asking me to come in for an interview. An interview doesn't mean that I was accepted but I was thrilled anyway! I EXPECTED a great result! Shortly after I received the email, a letter came in the mail from the other school that I applied to. I didn't get in. I wasn't even disappointed, I just threw the letter away and figured hey, that must not have been the school that God wanted me to go to. During this process I prayed to have peace and that's what God gave me. Even with a rejection letter in my hand...I had peace (click the links below) These videos were recorded Jan/Feb 2016:

Faith On Tape

Keeping The Faith

I prepared for my interview. I didn't have time to have a breakdown over that rejection letter. I had to focus on what was ahead! I went to the mall and searched for the perfect ensemble. Garments that screamed DOCTOR! After finding the perfect most professional outfit, I went back home and I prayed. I prayed all the way to the interview. I prayed while I waited to be called and then....it was my turn. After the interview I went home excited. I knew I had done well in the interview and I EXPECTED to be accepted into that program. Seven hours later I received a phone call from that school and the first word I heard was: CONGRATULATIONS! I almost dropped the phone! The professor who called, warmly welcomed me into the program and after I hung up, tears of joy began to stream down my face. In less than 24 hours God gave me an answer! The acceptance letter came in the mail about two weeks after that call. I will never forget this miracle...never (click on link below):

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Now I'm entering into my second year as a PhD student (my doctorate will be in counseling education) and I have enjoyed every moment of this journey of scholarship, leadership, and growth. I've seen myself grow as a professional, as a person, and as a child of God. If you're thinking about a PhD I highly encourage you to step out on faith and go for it! APPLY! The process of me applying for my doctorate discouraged me, disappointed me, and almost made me give up on my dreams BUT I didn't allow the process to kill me spiritually...I allowed it to make me stronger. In Part II of this post I will talk more concretely about the process of application and show you how to look for the right program, how to find money to pay for your PhD, and describe what it will take to endure this process. Start seeing yourself as a doctor and God will lead you down the path to becoming one. Just remember that on this journey to YOUR doctorate, it will be very important to not go your own way...God knows how to get you to your PhD...follow HIS directions.

Just Say His Name

This particular week has been pretty tough for me. This week I have been doing a deep level of reflection about things that have confused me. Last week I went on a date. My first date in I don't know how long. I had been communicating with a particular man for a brief amount of time by phone and soon after a rapport had been established we had decided to meet in person for dinner. I was so excited about this date because I rarely go out on dates. My life seems to be consumed with working three jobs, two part time jobs, and one full time job as a doctoral student. In my life I don't often enter social circles or domains in which I meet men. I usually spend a lot of time in the library buried in research, articles, and homework. I do my best to make sure that my life has balance, so I make sure to spend time with my friends and family and I don't wait for the time rather I make the time to do so (let's be real...if I waited for the time...I'd never have it).

So back to this date. When the opportunity presented itself for me to go out with this man I was excited. As soon as I got off work I sped home to get ready. It almost felt like I was getting ready for prom or something. I'm surprised that my mom didn't take pictures of me before I left my house haha! Based on our conversations, this man seemed like the perfect catch! Prestigious job, financially stable, funny, driven, and attractive. I liked that he made sure to communicate with me consistently and always made time to check on me each day. Meeting him in person was amazing. We spent the night engaged in great and purposeful conversation while enjoying the best Italian meal I've ever had! I admit that a part of me began to become a little afraid because I didn't want this night to end! I felt fear because this man and this night seemed way too good to be true. Just know that in some scenarios if things seem too good to be true...they probably are. The man, let's see I'll call him "DJ", suggested that I ask him three questions to which he would answer them honestly. On the spot I thought of so many potential questions that I ironically couldn't think of a single one to ask! I was taken aback by his willingness to be so open. So of course I asked DJ about his relationship with God and he stated that, "I believe in God, but I just have questions." Now I was not turned off by this response. After hearing about some of his experiences I could understand why he would have questions but at the same time I didn't hear about him actively putting forth the effort to get answers. I spoke from a genuine place in describing my relationship with God and encouraged Him to spend time with God so that he could get to know how awesome God is for himself. I also asked him if he would have a problem with me being celibate. I told him that I had been celibate for 9 years and had no intentions on having sex until I was married. DJ replied by saying that he would not have a problem with this at all. I also asked about the last time he had sex and he stated that it had been 2 months. All I could hear in the back of my brain was LOUD sounding alarms. In the moment I did not pay attention to the alarms, but make no mistake, I did hear them. After some more laughs and conversation the night ended and I smiled all the way back to my car. I texted 2 of my girlfriends with "!!!"

After the date I didn't hear from DJ again. A week had passed and I heard nothing. I called and texted a few days after the date with no response. I became discouraged and disappointed. I immediately began to reexamine everything. Communication was consistent before the date, the date went great, but after the date...nothing. I immediately began to point the finger at myself and I asked God, "What did I do wrong? What is it about me that caused him not to respond back?" In this moment I need you to pay attention because God reminded me of something very important:

"My dear daughter. Do you not remember what you asked of me

before you entered the restaurant that night?? I honored your 

request because I honor you. It's not you. It's not about what you said,

rather about WHO you said. You mentioned my name and in the 

presence of my name anyone or anything that aims to do you harm

will be cut off from you."

I had to sit with this and reflect. God was right. The night of the date before I entered the restaurant I said a prayer and I always say this prayer when I begin a new interaction with a man. The prayer goes like this:

"Lord, I am asking you today to be with me and protect me. 

I have no idea the real intentions of this man but I pray Lord

that if this man is NOT my husband or any person that you 

want me associating with that you REMOVE HIM from my life. If you see

fit to remove this man I will ask no questions. I may be disappointed

but I will ask no questions because I know you know what's 

best for me. Amen."

Now the thing about this prayer is that God has honored it EVERY SINGLE TIME I have prayed it. No really...EVERY SINGLE TIME. The last 3 men that I have interacted with either by phone or in person over the last 12 months who I wanted to date, I said this prayer and they were removed INSTANTLY. In each case I became disappointed and discouraged and God had to remind me of what I ASKED Him to do. In my reflections these experiences have confirmed the mighty power of prayer. If you ask God to do something, He will do it! God explained to me that sometimes His protection is more valuable that His provision. I'm glad that God is protecting me:

"The righteous person faces many troubles, 

but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous;

not one of them is broken!"

~Psalm 34: 19-20

I could feel the devil twisting my arm in the spirit. The pain of disappointment, hopelessness, and fear was becoming unbearable! Right when I was about to tap out and give up God cheered me on! He gave me a visual and a scripture:

"Let us not become weary in doing good,

for at the proper time we will reap a 

harvest if we do not give up."

~Galatians 6:9 (NIV)

I love the way that God loves me. He truly is a good good Father. He would rather me hurt a little in the short run than hurt a lot in the long run. He looks and listens to everyone that I encounter and if they are not for me and if they threaten my purpose He keeps them away. As a christian single woman I get that I am rare and most of the men that I will meet will not be able to rise to the challenge in order to earn my heart. I get it and I accept it. Just because DJ couldn't cut it doesn't mean that I should give up waiting for the man who can. Be encouraged out there and remember that your obedience and sacrifice will reward you in ways far beyond meeting your husband. The picture is so much BIGGER than you think. In the meantime, ALWAYS pray when it comes to men. Just say the name JESUS when you are out on dates and watch Him take out the trash. God wants you to elevate to new experiences...not repeat old ones.

All You Have To Do Is Ask

The other day I wrote a post on face book and this is what it said:

From the feedback that I received on this post I noticed that a lot of single women are praying about their future husbands in a vague manner. I can speak from my personal experience with this. As an adult woman hoping to be married some day soon I realized that I have been praying for my husband incorrectly! When I pray to God about the man that I would like to marry, I never mention anything specific about him. I mention nothing about his looks, nothing about his character, and nothing about the vision or the mission of our marriage. My prayers would go something like this:

"Dear God, I just want to say a prayer on behalf of my 

husband. I don't know where he is but You do. I know 

that he is fighting some of the same obstacles that I am

and I pray God that you protect him so the he can find

his way to me. Keep him covered under your blood Lord.

Keep him strong and allow him to feel my heartbeat in the

spirit. I trust that you know what's best for me Lord. Let your

will be done. Amen."

There are some things that can be greatly improved with this prayer. This is why it is so important for me to learn more about prayer and the power that prayer has. I admit that I do not know everything I should in regards to prayer but that is something that I am working to change. I know that the devil is hoping that I continue to have a lack of knowledge in this area. In educating myself more about prayer I see how much I have underestimated what it can do. 

In the Bible you can see that prayer has allowed people to overcome their enemies:

"As the enemy came down toward him, Elisha prayed to the LORD,

"Strike this army with blindness." So He struck them with 

blindness, as Elisha had asked."

~II Kings 6:18 (NIV)

Defeat death:

"Then he cried out to the Lord, "Lord my God, have you brought tragedy even on this widow I 

am staying with, by causing her son to die?" Then he stretched himself out on the 

boy three times and cried out to the Lord, "Lord my God, let this boy's life return to him!"

The Lord heard Elijah's cry, and the boy's life returned to him,

and he lived."

~I Kings 17: 20-22 (NIV)

Bring forth healing:

"And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well;

the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be

forgiven."

~James 5:15 (NIV)

and give wisdom:

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives

generously to all without finding fault, and it will be 

given to you."

~James 1:5 (NIV)

I could go on and on but the point is that all throughout the Bible there are numerous accounts of the power of prayer! So, if prayer is so powerful, why do we as single christian women apply this power to everything else that we desire in our hearts........except our Godly husbands??? As stated in my Facebook post God asks me this question directly as I'm in the drive through line at Burger King at 12:18am. It took nothing for me to request WHAT I wanted and HOW I wanted it and I EXPECTED to receive it just like I had asked. However, when it comes to my husband I speak hesitantly and really what I am saying is, "God just do whatever. I trust you." Now here's the thing, we are SUPPOSED to let God be God in our lives and we are SUPPOSED to trust Him...that's not the problem. God knows exactly what and who He wants to bless us with but when we take the initiative to come to Him and ASK, that shows God a certain level of faith on our part. The problem comes in when we trust in God for what we want but WE DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN WHAT WE WANT!!

Life experiences have a way of making us afraid to expect and as a result we water down our prayers out of fear that they will not be answered. My educational background is in psychology and counseling so I would like to use an example from my studies (stay with me, I'm going somewhere with this):

Classical conditioning was a notable psychological discovery made by a Russian physiologist named Ivan Pavlov. Classical conditioning is a type of learning that is based on an association between two stimulants paired together over and over again. Eventually because of the pairing of the two stimulants, the presence of only one of the stimulants will produce a conditioned response. 

Pavlov used dogs in his experiments to examine learning. A bell was used as the neutral stimulus (which is also called a conditioned stimulus or CS). In this case neutral means that the dogs had no reason to respond to the bell...not at first anyway. Food was also used in the experiments, and whenever food was presented to the dogs they responded by salivating (this is called an unconditioned response or UR). Unconditioned in this case means that the response is occurred naturally. When he gave the dogs food he rang the bell at the same time. Over and over he repeated the pairings of the food and the bell. So ultimately when the bell rang without the presence of the food the dogs responded by salivating, this response is called a conditioned response (or CR) because the dogs learned to associate the bell with the presence of food therefore giving the same response as they did for the food.

So how can we apply this to our Christian walk, prayer, and our Godly mates? Well let us continue...(I told you we were going somewhere). 

Let our CS be a man (the wrong man). Right now things are new and fun and so we have no reason to respond in any negative way to the man....not at first anyway; in the beginning we consider him neutral (and nice). Now, lets say that our UR is feeling unhappy. So over time we enter into a relationship where this wrong man is repeatedly paired with our feelings of unhappiness. Over time you exit the relationship BUT when any man approaches you (more specifically the right man) you give the same conditioned response of unhappiness even without the presence of the wrong man.

I'm using classical conditioning to kind of show how we can become conditioned to give the same response in situations that are different. Our painful and traumatic past experiences with men teach us to either not expect OR expect the same. In these instances our faith suffers greatly. Having no or low expectations isn't good because it means that you are not anticipating positive change. People normally set no or low expectations to avoid the effects of disappointment. Ladies, don't let fear cause you to forfeit your future husband. First you have to know what you want in a husband before God can bless you with one. You have to have a vision and you have to BELIEVE in the man that you are praying to God for! Most important, your attitude about your experiences have to change because if they don't they will continue to hold you hostage and you will sabotage yourself from being happy with they right guy. The only way to get an understanding of your husband in order to know what to specifically pray for, is to get to know God. God is our husband above ANY man. He is the one that loves us, takes care of us, and protects us. He places the seed of faith within us so that we can birth great things!!! It seems like women consider God to be EVERYTHING but a spouse. He is EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that you need Him to be!! Entering into this marriage in heaven will allow you to be kept for the marriage that He will ordain for you on earth.

So ladies I encourage you to say YES to God's proposal of marriage! Everyday women wait for a man to get down on his knee to profess his love but God got nailed to a cross to profess His love for the entire world! No man will do that for you!!! So again I encourage you to say yes to a life of happiness with the One who has loved you from the beginning.

"For your Maker is your husband
the LORD almighty is his name
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth."
~Isaiah 54:5

When it comes to your earthly husband you have to know he, like you, is hidden in God and the only way to understand the man that he is, is by first understanding the One who created him. Stay encouraged in your wait. Don't be afraid to expect God to bless you with an AMAZING man of God. Be BOLD and SPECIFIC in your prayers for him. Remain close and in love with God and He will make the vision of your husband clear. And always remember, settling is NEVER an option.

That Place Called "There"

So there's this place that I've heard of. A place where single women go to find peace with being single. In this place, I've heard that your focus is strong and your vision is clear. In this place it's ok to desire your husband without being concerned about his arrival. In this place no woman fears the unknown. In this place, you just live your life...happily. How do I get to that place??

I admit that I've struggled to find this place, but I know that each day I'm getting closer to it. Some women make it sound so easy to get to however in my experience it hasn't been that easy. I think about about my future husband a lot and sometimes its aggravating. I remember praying to God a little while back about removing the desire of my husband from me because it was becoming so depressing and painful. God explained to me that there was nothing wrong with desiring my husband however I was letting my desire control my life. I realized that I was in a horrible place. I needed to get out of this place where my future husband was becoming a present hinderance. There are five important things that I began doing to regain control of my life and put my focus back on target:

1.  I CUT OUT ALL DISTRACTIONS
Sometimes when people aren't dealing with their problems properly they negatively cope with them by engaging in distractions. A distraction is defined as:

The process of diverting the attention of an individual from 

a desired area of focus and thereby limiting the reception of 

information.

I highlighted some key words in this definition. Engaging in distractions is a process which means that multiple actions are taken over time in order to achieve a particular result. Sometimes single women cope with being single by continuing to entertain men and activities that get their eyes off the prize. I think it's important to know what the prize is. The prize is NOT your husband ladies. The prize is to live a life that is pleasing to God. Remember why you're in this race:

"Don't you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize?

So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that

will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. 

I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do 

what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be 

disqualified."

I Corinthians 9: 24-27 (NLT)

After being reminded of WHY I was in this 'race' I realized that I had to get rid of everything and everyone in my life that was a distraction. I realized that I was guilty of entertaining men who were throwing me off track. Entertaining may seem innocent and fun but it's one of the biggest traps the devil uses to keep a person away from their purpose. When you provide or are being provided with amusement and/or enjoyment as the result of an interaction or activity YOU are participating in entertainment. Perfect example, remember the guy "R" who I wrote about in my "Don't Get Caught Up In Chemistry" post? That was me entertaining someone and allowing myself to be entertained by someone on and off for an ENTIRE DECADE!!! Bottom line is HE HAD TO GO! Any man that was distracting me from my purpose and living a life that pleased God had to go! Any man that interrupted my preparation for my future husband HAD TO GO! I also cut back on my activity on social media because it too was distracting me from my goals. When athletes are trained, they're constantly reminded to keep their eye on their opponent, the finish line, the basket...in other words THE GOAL!

2.  I COMMITTED MYSELF TO GOD
I've learned on this journey, that before I commit to any man in holy matrimony I must commit myself to God FIRST in holy matrimony. About two months ago I realized that waiting for my husband shouldn't feel like a life sentence. My thinking alone let me know that I was disconnected with God. I wasn't too happy with some of my behaviors either. I made up in my mind that I needed to reconnect with God ASAP! Believe it or not, just because you're saved (living your life for Christ) that doesn't mean that you're ALWAYS connected to God. Sometimes we lose our way and need to be redirected and reconnected and that's OK. I realized that I had really lost my way. I allowed depression to overtake my mind and whenever I thought about my life, I thought negatively. I thought I was being punished, I thought God had forgotten about me, and I thought that my mistakes disqualified me from the blessings that I was praying to God for. The devil frequently talked to me about how much I've messed up and how bad those mess ups were. It got to a point where enough was enough. I had hit rock bottom in my spirit and I knew I had to do something BOLD. I knew that I had to get myself together and get back to God!! God was the only One who could get me out of the pit that I had found myself in! I made the decision to commit myself to God FOR REAL. I mean I had to take a hard look at myself and see that I was going in a direction that was AWAY from God. I was walking away because I had become afraid and I was tired. Even in my own negative way of thinking I could still hear God's voice calling me back to Him. I listened, I turned around, I fell at His feet, I wept, I repented, and then I committed. I committed to this relationship and promised God to give it my all. It was then when God taught me about the meaning of wedding vows:

"I, Juanita, take thee, God, to be my life partner to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better,

for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish..."

I can't just walk away from God when things get hard. I have to stay with Him because when you love someone...that's what you do. If I can't truly commit to God...how will I ever do it with a man??

3.  I CREATED HEALTHY OUTLETS

I think that a lot of women put their energy and emotions into vacuums. Ok let me explain. A vacuum is a household appliance that is used to pick up small unwanted objects off of floors. In other words we use this thing to suck up pieces of trash. Are you being sucked into unnecessary drama with a guy? Are you crying over a guy that doesn't deserve your tears? Are you giving your body to a guy who has no intentions on making you his wife? Well if the answer is yes to any of this questions you have created an emotional vacuum for yourself:

"The vacuum that some people strive so assiduously to avoid is really a

vacuum of self. When we're not enough for ourselves (i.e., can't 

somehow fill our own vacuum), we can't help but focus our attention

on what we can import into ourselves to feel more whole and complete."

~Dr. Leon F. Seltzer

Being a Christian doesn't make you immune to human feelings and desires. As women, it's in our nature to want to be wanted, to want to engage in sex, to want to feel love and give love, and to want to feel sexy and attractive. Even though these things are NATURAL, Christian singles don't necessarily act upon what is in their nature to do. Speaking for myself, I discipline my natural feelings by putting that energy into positive and constructive people and activities that help me feel good without jeopardizing my standards. I INVEST IN MYSELF. Now what I'm specifically talking about is this, I don't let my natural feelings and wants make decisions for me. If I have a desire to be sexy, I'm not going to take a picture of myself in lingerie and post it on Instagram for likes BUT I will go and buy something from Victoria Secret for myself (for my eyes only) because going to VS makes me feel good. I began writing as my outlet (hence the birth of this blog). I blog, write poetry, create cute life quotes, study the bible, and I journal. Sometimes I don't always feel like writing BUT I've seen that writing keeps me from making bad decisions when I'm feeling stressed, sad, or lonely. Instead of calling that WRONG guy, I pick up my notebook and just start writing. I also began attending church REGULARLY to keep my spirit strong and to maintain a healthy and positive social life. One thing that I did also as a creative outlet is this:

This is a vision box. I know a lot of you have made vision boards but God instructed me to create a vision box for my husband to present to him on our wedding day. So when I'm feeling lonely or sad I don't search for the wrong guy to talk to, I first bring my feelings to God in prayer and then I write a note to my husband. This work of faith helps me to stay focused on what is to soon come for me. 

4.  I HAVE ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS (AP's)

Sometimes, when you've walked a road for so long you start to doubt your own ability to keep going. Being single has been a long journey for me and I've made some mistakes, got down on myself, and lost hope. This is where my AP's come in. I have three people outside of my small circle of friends that I can talk to about my struggles. Now, that's not to say that I can't talk to my besties BUT sometimes people feel apprehensive about being completely and 100% transparent with their best friends because they know too much information already. People don't want to be judged and sometimes we fear judgement from the people closet to us. My AP's don't know as much about me as my besties do and this makes it easier to be transparent with them. AP's are great to have because they're close to you but not so close to where as they can't be objective in the advice that they give you. My AP's were selected by God and this is also important. If you're going to be 100% honest about what you are struggling with, you need to make sure that the person you're telling can be trusted with the information you tell them and can give you SOUND advice:

"Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked,

or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers."

~Psalm 1:1 (NLT)

The bottom line is, you need people who you can share your truth with. I mean your REAL and most DEEPEST truth. The purpose of an AP is to help you to keep a commitment and in order to keep a commitment you must be held accountable for your actions. 

"Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by sin, you

who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the

right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.

Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. "

~Galatians 6:1-2 (NLT)

We have an obligation to hold each other up as we walk our paths. It's important to share our struggles with others because it destroys the devil's plan to isolate you and give you a psychological and spiritual beat down. Sharing your struggles challenges you to keep yourself open and connected to sources of help and guidance. Know that you cannot reach your destination on your own, you're going to need help and if you ask God, He will direct you to the right people to have in your corner.

5.  UNDERSTANDING MY ADVANTAGE

"There is a difference between a wife and a virgin.

The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be

holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things

of the world, how she may please her husband.

And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what

is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction."

~I Corinthians 7: 34-35 (NKJV)

I know that it feels like you've been single FOR..EVER but one thing that has helped me embrace my singleness is understanding the advantages of being single. Right now I have all the time that I want to spend with God. I get to talk to God whenever I want without distraction, I get to learn from Him, and just be with Him whenever I want without having to pull myself away due to other obligations. Right now, I don't have to share my time, my money, or my personal space with anyone. I don't have to make meals for anyone but myself. Whenever I want to pick up and take an impromptu vacation I can and I can go wherever I want (I love traveling solo)! I go to sleep and wake up at whatever time I choose. I'M ON MY OWN SCHEDULE! Right now I can focus on the purpose that God has for my life without any distractions. I believe that God has individual goals for us as well as marriage goals when we marry. Singleness is the stage where you can complete your individual goals (getting your degree, starting your business, moving to a new state, making a job change, etc) so that when you marry your focus can easily transition into working on your marriage goals. A lot of times marriages suffer because one partner feels as though they have to sacrifice their individual goals that they were working on to switch abruptly to working on marriage goals (being parents, buying a home, financial stability, keeping date nights, etc). Please allow yourself the time to see your own personal dreams manifest so that you can feel the wonderful joys of accomplishment that you want so badly as a single person. If you don't allow yourself the time you need to grow and achieve you will resent your future spouse and your future children for forcing you to put your dreams on the back burner.

The place that I'm trying to get to...is called contentment. I'm excited about this place and all of the wonderful things I will see and learn when I get there. I'm determined to get there BEFORE I'm introduced to my husband. So, my journey continues...

If you would like to read the entire article written by Dr. Seltzer please click the link below:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200903/human-nature-abhors-vacuum-too

When It All Falls Down: Trusting God in the Press

Last Thursday it felt like the weight of every single problem in my life just fell on me. I'm sitting at school with my face in the palms of my hands as I shake my head from side to side. All I could say in my head as I deeply exhaled was, "Oh Jesus.....JESUS!". I know the vision that God gave me about my life. I used to see it so clearly, but I haven't noticed until now how blurry that vision has gotten. That's the devil's goal, to get you so weighed down with problems that you begin to lose sight of God's clear vision. It comes to a point where we focus so much on the problems we have that we forget that we know the ultimate problem-solver!

For the last few days I've really felt my spirit fighting. Sometimes I would just have to stop whatever it was that I was doing to take a deep breath. I actually felt like I was out of breath and I just needed a minute to regroup. I now understand that my spirit was in heavy battle. Fighting against unclean thoughts, against fleshly desires, against doubt, against fear, against worry, and against unbelief. The other night I felt like just tapping out and giving up but my spirit wouldn't let me. That's when God whispered in my ear, "Trust me in the press." The press?? What did that mean? I took the time to think about it. When something is pressed, it means that pressure has been applied to it in order to flatten, shape, or smooth. I've always thought of the word press in a negative way like when my back has been pressed up against a wall. I thought of something being crushed under an intense force. God challenged me to abandon what I thought I knew about this word and adopt His meaning. This is why God tells us to not trust in what we think:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding;

In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3: 5-6

God insisted that I think of the word press in a positive way. God explained to me that He is pressing me in order to flatten out my faith in order to make it expand. God told me to let these situations, these problems, and these worries fall right on top of me AND TO NOT BE AFRAID. Now when I thought of my faith being flattened, I became concerned and a little confused. God pointed out to me that I was still using MY definition to understand HIS meaning of press. My definition included the word crush. Now crush doesn't mean the same thing as press even though both words involve intense pressure. When something is crushed it's broken into pieces and ultimately destroyed. In contrast when something is flattened it remains whole, the object is just in a different form. I'm learning that I have to let go and let God. I'm very familiar with this saying, I've said it to myself several times but saying it and living it are two completely different things. Letting go is easier said than done BUT God tells us to do just that:

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt

you in due time, casting all of your care upon Him, for He cares for you."

I Peter 5: 6-7

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Matthew 11: 28-30

In His word, God tells us to give all of our problems and worries to Him so that He can take care of them because He cares about us. In order to do that we must humble ourselves. Being humble means to set aside your own importance or what you think is important. Humbling yourself requires you to admit and accept that some matters are bigger than you and there is nothing you can do to bring about a particular outcome. Once you understand this, you will be able to submit yourself under God's authority and you will step out of the way because you know that God doesn't need your help in resolving your issues. Remember, some battles God will fight with you to win, but others will require you to just step out of the way completely so that God can fight and win the battle for you. Sometimes we find ourselves fighting out of our emotions and you cannot win this way. A tired soldier, a soldier who has been hurt badly, or a soldier who is not prepared cannot fight and God knows this which is why He needs us to trust Him to win on our behalf. God also instructs us to REST. In Matthew God talks about taking on His yoke. A yoke is a wooden beam normally used between a pair of oxen or other animals to enable them to pull together on a load when working in pairs, as oxen usually do; some yokes are fitted to individual animals. Yokes are tightly fitted around an animals neck or horns so that the person guiding them can use only slight tugs from the attached straps to direct them without hurting them. When God tells us to take His yoke, He is saying that He wants to direct and guide us. God wants a tight grip on us so that we can feel the tug of His spirit when we begin to get off track. Making the choice to let God lead is not difficult, rather it's our stubbornness, our fears, and issues with being a control freak that makes the choice difficult.

When it all begins to fall, I encourage you to just let it all fall down. When I get home from school the first thing I do to get the weight off my back is drop my heavy backpack onto the floor; I don't think twice about it. All I think about is how good it will feel to get this heavy weight off of me and REST. I want us all to apply this way of thinking to our problems. When things get too heavy on your mind or on your heart...let it all fall, not to the ground but in God's hands. Don't worry about how you will make ends meet, don't worry about your children, don't worry about the state of your marriage, don't worry about the doctor's report, don't worry about how you did on that test at school, don't worry about your future spouse, don't worry about how long you will be in this trial...DON'T WORRY just let it all fall down. Humble yourself, submit to God, trust God and rest in His promises to take great care of you! The press is hard I know, but always remember that there is a reason for the press and it's to make you ready for the next level!