Life or Death

In 2013, God placed a special seed within my womb. The seed was a vision.....for a film. The film was titled, "The Chain-Breaker Project". Over the next several months, I began to feel the joy and pains of the kicking of this baby. Maybe I'll write a post about the evolution and birthing of this film another time but the concept of this vision is very key to this post. When God gave me the vision of the film, He explained that I had to illustrate the invisible. God provided me with the strength to show what most people don't have the courage to show...their suffering.

In the film as the main character, I wore heavy metal chains that everyone else could see but me...all I felt was the weight and the pain of those chains. The chains represented different things that I was struggling with on the inside. Things like depression, childhood trauma, lies, broken heart, violence, shame, worry, fear, low self-esteem, soul ties/sex, and various other things that a person can suffer with including............suicide. A point that I didn't get to illustrate in the film was the fact that spiritual chains like the ones I just listed are not placed on us as adults rather as children. The devil is extremely smart. He knows that in order to hit us where it really hurts he has to plant a seed and help it to grow.

(The Chain-Breaker Project 2014, in this scene an angel

is freeing the main character from her chains)

As a child I didn't know what suicide was but when I look back on my childhood the signs were definitely there. As a counselor with an extensive background in psychology I can cleary see that suicide had been following me for a long time, it's just majority of that time I didn't know it. Like I said before, the devil is very smart...he had to wait for the right moment to try to kill me...by convincing me to kill myself. I remember when I was in the 4th or 5th grade I took a razor and slid it across my leg. I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt myself, I just wanted to see what it felt like. I didn't even break the skin, just the thought of cutting myself was too scary. I never touched a razor blade again after that. Remember when I said that the devil is smart? Well this is what I mean. Like I said, I didn't have any intentions of harming myself but the seed…the chain of suicide was intentionally placed within me at a young age. Over time, as I grew up my environment helped that suicidal seed within me grow and the chains became heavier. I say chains (plural) because nothing negative ever acts alone, there are always other negative things that develop. As a child and teenager I grew up witnessing a lot of abuse in my home…physical, emotional, and substance. My home environment provided a very poor example of how love functions and so my escape was hanging out in the streets until the early morning hours with the wrong people. When I would get back home, everyone would be sleep, so I would get a brief break from the chaos. 

Even though the example of love that I had was poor, it was the only example I had to go on. I used this example to "find" the love I was missing at home. Isn't that ironic, a lost girl trying to find something that she doesn't even understand and couldn't recognize. It didn't take long to find what I was so desperately looking for. I found love. I found tainted, false, and twisted versions of it in fake friendships and dead romantic relationships. These negative experiences along with the negative experiences I suffered at home helped that seed to not only grow but to take root which meant that it would be harder to rip out of me!!

I felt like my life was no longer worth living when I was 22 years old. I had gotten involved in a string of horrible situationships with men (because I was imitating my poor example of love) and my heart was so broken that I thought it was unfixable. At this point the devil could have pressed the detonate button on that bomb that was inside me…but it wasn't the right time…not yet. The seed had grown from suicidal curiosity to suicidal ideation.

Even though I had thought about suicide a few times during some stressful points in my life, it wasn't until I was 30 that my life really took a turn. The seed had grown and matured. Innocent curiosity of a child transformed into the intentional ideation of a young adult which then transformed in to the plan of an adult who had declared enough was enough! In a previous post I wrote titled, "Get Ready to Graduate" I talked about my last romantic relationship. My ex, "A" had hurt me so badly that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. From a child up until age 30 I had seen and suffered so much hurt, that the blow of this breakup caused my spirit to snap! I couldn't take another person lying to me, abusing me, not caring about me, and not loving me. No one seemed to care about how their actions affected me! I felt so alone!

Each morning I would get up and get ready for work. I would grab my keys, purse, and work bag and head out the door. Oops! I forgot. I would reenter my apartment and grab my cell phone and most importantly...can't forget this...my mask. The mask I wore day after day to cover my real face. My face that had tear swollen eyes and a frown. The mask helped me to function somewhat so that I could handle business....all my personal matters had to wait. I would come home crawl on the couch and just lay there. I ignored phone calls from my friends,  I wasn't interested in doing things that I really liked doing before the breakup occurred. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to talk period. I isolated myself and I can't even tell you how much the devil LOVES when you do that because then he can torture you as much as he wants! According to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, there's no distinct cause for suicide, but depression is the most common mental condition associated with it. In most cases of suicide or suicidal ideation the depression hasn't been diagnosed or treated. I thought about going to to get help, but the big questions were...FROM WHERE? FROM WHO??? I couldn't possibly talk to family about this because they wouldn't understand and I felt in part it was their fault. I couldn't talk to my friends because it looks like Juanita has it altogether! How would they look at me if they saw me falling apart like this?? I couldn't see a therapist because I AM A THERAPIST so no, no, no...I had to work this thing out on my own.

One morning I woke up crying. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom. I continued crying uncontrollably. All of a sudden I heard this thought:

"Remember that bottle of Tylenol that you bought the other day?

It's in your purse in the living room. Go get it."

As I stared to take my first step out of the bathroom, my legs wouldn't move. Literally, I couldn't move! Then I heard a voice say:

"Let it all out Juanita, it's alright. Just let me hold you,

and you just get it all out."

I couldn't process it at the time, but I know now that the first thought was the devil and the second thought was God. This is a real example of what spiritual warfare looks like! The breakup with A happened and the devil chose this day to press that button and watch me die BUT GOD! God intervened and disarmed that bomb that was ticking inside of me with His unconditional love! Not the false version that I had been taught but REAL LOVE!!! After about 20 minutes of heavy and intense crying, I could feel my legs move again. God trusted me not to hurt myself and I could feel Him in the spirit as He let go of me. I walked into my living and got the pills from my purse. I shook my head, The devil thought he had me...heck, he almost did have me. I immediately registered for counseling the next day and worked with my therapist for a year and a half. She was truly a godsend and she helped me so much!!!

I'm now 32 years old. I've been stressed and frustrated at times but I haven't had one suicidal thought since that incident (praise God). I value my life...so I chose life. I hope this post encourages anyone who is struggling with suicide. I need you to know that God loves you! If your struggling with trying to find reasons to live just think of the only one that really matters...God's love for you! The devil doesn't care about you! That's why he can suggest suicide to you because you don't matter to him! But...do you know what God thinks of you? Do you?? There are so many scriptures in the bible about how much God loves you and thinks about YOU:

"How precious are your thoughts about me O God. They cannot be numbered!

I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up, you are still with me!"

~Psalm 139: 17-18 (NLT)

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD,

thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)

Please click on the links below to educate yourself on the warning signs and prevention of suicide. Use this information not just for yourself but for others. Have the courage to have a conversation with someone who knows how to mask their suffering like I did day after day. A phone call, a hug, or a knock on the door could be the action you do that saves a persons life.

American Foundation of Suicide Prevention - Risk Factors of Suicide

Psychology Today - 6 Reasons Why

If you need to talk to someone NOW please call the National Suicide Lifeline for free and confidential help:

1-800-273-8255

(Available 24 hours a day)

9 Years

I'm very happy about this post because it's about something that means a lot to me.

I remember the day that I decided that I didn't want to have sex anymore until I was married. I was so unhappy...depressed actually. I was tired of my unsatisfying and purposeless sexual interactions. I felt like I was loosing myself. With each interaction I was giving a piece of myself away and the next thing I knew...I had nothing left. I was used up and lost. I remember two instances in particular:

I met my ex-boyfriend "S" in my sophomore year of high school. We were young, didn't have much responsibility, and had tons of time to spend together. When we began our relationship everything was great....until he began asking me about having sex. I was 16 at the time and I was a virgin. For a whole year S asked and asked and asked me about having sex. My response to him would always be the same, "I don't know if I'm ready for that right now. Maybe when I turn 18 I'll be ready." After a while though I began to feel the pressure. I went in search for an answer. I asked a minister at the church that I was attending why the bible says not to have sex outside of being married. The minister basically told me to not question God and to just do what He says. To this day, that was the worst advice I've ever received from someone and this started the slippery slope. After having this awkward and unhelpful conversation with the minister, I went home even more confused than before. When S asked me about sex for the 5,472nd time I thought to myself, "Why not?" Up until this point I hadn't heard of any real reason not to have sex, so what was the harm? S was a virgin too so I figured this would be a cool experience for the both of us. After we had sex I didn't feel any different. To be honest, I don't even remember the encounter which is sad because your first time should not be unforgettable or an encounter that you try to force yourself to forget. Anyway, fast forward a few years. S and I are sophomores in college now. I find out while sitting in class that S was cheating on me. Fast forward, I find out that S had been cheating on me with not just one girl but several. I also found out that he lied about being a virgin! He lied about so many things. My virginity was gone...I could never get it back. It was stolen from me by a lying cheater. I was devastated.

In 2008 I traveled to Florida to do my first out of state photo shoot. I was excited and nervous to fly out on my own to do something that I'd never done. To my surprise a guy (I'll call him "C") that I was introduced to by a friend had flown down to Florida to visit his family right before I did. While he was there, I was in Michigan so I when I had flown down he had just returned to Michigan. We had just missed each other by a day or two. When we were initially introduced we had taken casual interest in one another and we started hanging out and talking on the phone. When C found out that I was in Florida, he called me. We were both shocked and disappointed that we had missed each other. A few days later, C called me and asked how things were going in Florida. I told him the area that I was staying in and some things that I had done. The next day I was surprised to hear that C had flown back down to Florida to see me! I was staying in a motel and when C met me at the door I was speechless! I felt so special! A guy had taken a flight just to come and see lil ol' me! I jumped into his arms and we shared mutual smiles and laughs. I called my friend (who had introduced us) and screamed about what had just happened. After ending my call, I turned around and asked C what he wanted to do. In my mind I'm thinking watching a movie or going out to dinner, but no, I was sadly mistaken. I was bubbling over with anticipation for the potential activities for the evening. Well, my bubble was burst big time when I saw C smirk and put his hand in his pocket. As I looked at his hand, I saw C pull  a gold square out of his pocket....a condom. I shuttered inside. I thought I was special...special enough for a guy to take a flight...special enough to spend time with...but in that moment the message that I received was that I wasn't special enough. As soon as C's eyes lined up with mine after we both looked up from his pocket, I felt tears on my cheeks. C didn't fly down to Florida to see me...he flew down for a good old fashion booty call. I told C to leave, I just couldn't believe this was happening. C returned to my room a few hours later. When I opened the door, C's face looked confused like he didn't know how to read my facial expression. He didn't know if me opening the door was a good or a bad thing. With few words I gestured C to come into the room. Before he could speak I told him that we could have sex. My attitude about what I had just said was flat and because of this contradiction he asked me if I was sure about what I had said. I shook my head yes, I mean that's what he came down here for right?? Obviously I wasn't special enough to take out on a date or have a fun conversation with so why not just give the man what he wants?? This message had been repeated and reinforced to me time and time again, "Juanita, you're good enough to have sex with but that's it." I cut off all the lights in the room and we proceeded to have sex. I looked out of the motel window and I felt tears streak the side of my face. I sniffed quietly as I cried in silence and C asked me if I were ok and if he should stop. At that point it didn't even matter to me. When it was over I had nothing else to say to C. He gathered his things and left. We never spoke or saw each other again after that.

These two accounts along with others helped me to realize that I was not enjoying sex...AT ALL. It took me a few years to realize that as long as I did sex my way, I would never enjoy it:

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are

outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who

is in you, whom you have received from God?

You are not your own; you were bought at a price.

Therefore honor God with your bodies."

~I Corinthians 6: 18-20 (NIV)

I learned many hard lessons having sex outside of the will of God. The good thing that came out of this is that...I learned from these lessons. I made the decision to be celibate in August of 2008 and I haven't looked back since. This month I'm happy to celebrate 9 years of celibacy!!!! I have learned so much about myself on this journey. I want to encourage YOU today. If you're reading this post and are contemplating celibacy, I want you to make the informed decision to do so, not because I'm asking you but because that's what God requires from you (if you're unmarried). 

Celibacy reminds me every single day that I deserve the BEST man that God has to offer. I learned the hard way about what happens when I choose for myself and I want to break that hurtful cycle. Celibacy should not be looked at as a punishment or a life sentence rather it should be CELEBRATED! My great friend Carmen Jackson actually encouraged me to have a big celebration for my celibacy anniversary. It was at that point that I realized that I never really acknowledged celibacy in either a negative or positive way. Up until recently, celibacy was just something that I worked hard to "get through" each year but now I realize I don't have to just get through...I can enjoy this part of my journey!! Do you know what keeps me going?...two things. My motivation to keep walking this walk is knowing that I'm living a life that is pleasing to God! Another motivator is an image that I hold in my mind about the look in my future husbands eyes when we're standing across from each other at the altar I tell him how happy I am to give myself to him for the rest of my life, in every way. For him to know that I disciplined myself for years in order to prepare for a special, intimate, and God ordained encounter with him and only him will cause us both to be elated to the fullest!

I need you all to understand that we live in a day where sex has a major influence on the way we think and behave. A lot of people are controlled by their flesh and sexual desires are constantly being reinforced by the world's messages of, "Doing whatever with whoever whenever is perfectly OK!" Think about it...music, television, books, magazines...sex is EVERYWHERE but it's very rare that you'll see it connected with marriage.

I'm not in any way saying that being married is all about having sex because it most definitely is NOT. There are a lot of Christians who are excited about marriage for the wrong reasons. Just getting married to have spiritual authorization to have sex is not enough to sustain the marriage itself. I think that's why celibacy is so important. Celibacy has opened my eyes to the bigger picture of marriage and what it really means. I'm super excited at the thought of being intimate with my future husband (I mean after all it has been 9 years haha) BUT I also know that sex can't cook a meal, pay a bill, clean a home, or fix every argument. Celibacy challenges me to prepare for my husband in other important ways...ways that will KEEP MY MARRIAGE and to be honest sex can't keep a marriage.

The thing that is unique (and difficult) about people who have already experienced sex and made the decision to be celibate is that your body will always have cravings for sex. It's up to you to make sure that you keep your flesh under control. You don't want to block your blessings because your words and your actions are contradicting each other:

"I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should.

Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might 

be disqualified."

~I Corinthians 9:27 (NLT)

This verse is saying that you MUST train your flesh to obey the word of God and resist the devil. Athletes spend countless hours training in order to prepare their bodies to endure the physical brutality of various sports. Just like the physical, you must also spend countless hours training your flesh in prayer, fasting, tithing, knowing the bible, and being obedient so that you can endure the spiritual brutality that comes when you turn away from what the world is doing. 

"It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should

avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn

to control your own body in a way that is holy and

honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans,

who do not know God"

~I Thessalonians 4: 3-5 (NIV)

Today I celebrate 9 years of celibacy. I celebrate 9 years of discipline. I celebrate 9 years of glorifying God by treating my body like a holy temple. I celebrate 9 years of preparing for my wonderful future husband who I believe is closer to me than ever before. I celebrate 9 years of trusting God and His ways even though my body doesn't always understand. I celebrate 9 years of good days and bad days. Today I celebrate and continue the journey.

I absolutely LOVE this poem! It sums up everything about my celibacy journey and only increases my faith in waiting for my future husband. 

Enjoy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igCj3jsbcqs

Life Isn't A Movie

Recently I went to see a movie titled "Girls Trip" starring Regina Hall, Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett-Smith, and Tiffany Haddish. The movie (without giving it away) is essentially about four close girlfriends who drifted apart over time and decided to reunite for a fun girls trip to New Orleans. I thought the movie was HILARIOUS and I actually saw it twice! This post is not about a review of the movie rather a concept that I've seen time and time again when it comes to movies like this. Now when I say "movies like this" I mean romance movies and romantic comedies. Girls Trip is not a romantic comedy per se BUT there was a small focus on romance. 

In general though, with movies in this category, the story line goes the same way almost every time. A woman is unhappy in a bad relationship and while she contemplates whether to stay or to go the perfect guy is just there...waiting on her to choose him. After a sudden epiphany, the woman ends things with the "bad guy" and she immediately starts a new relationship with the "good guy" and they live happily ever after (happy sigh). Not every romantic movie follows this storyline BUT a lot of them do. In essence, the movies who do portray this storyline give women a false reality of how to prepare for the right relationship. It's very rare that I've seen movies where a woman decides to end a bad relationship and then takes time to be alone to recover and be healed from what she exited out of. Typically it's only AFTER she gets into this new happy relationship that she begins to work on herself and turn her life around:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkUvBCW-tS4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcZJYzaIwdI

I've seen both of the above rom-coms (romantic comedies) and they both follow the storyline I described above in creatively different ways. In both of these films unhappy women quickly find themselves in new loving relationships after being by themselves for about five minutes (lol) and that's just not the way things go in the real world. I guess that's why movies like these are made because maybe the truth of how things really go with relationships is just too hard or depressing to deal with and people just want to see how things would go in a perfect world. I don't think that there's anything wrong with getting a break from the reality that we have to live and endure every single day. Hobbies, vacations, and storytelling help us to break away even if it's just for a few hours. 

Here's the thing though...sometimes we as women unconsciously expect life to be like the movies. We expect that the men that we meet will sweep us off our feet with the most romantic words and gestures. We expect to run into the perfect guy right before we break up with the problem guy. We expect there to be no gap in time when leaving one relationship and entering into another. We expect all endings to be happy and everything to just...work out. Well, I'm here to tell you...LIFE ISN'T A MOVIE. Now don't get me wrong, movies are a unique art form, they capture and illustrate ideas of the mind in ways that are magical. The issue here is not movie story lines...not at all. The issue is having illogical expectations based on a story...because that's all movies are...visual stories.

The reality is that the perfect guy isn't waiting around for you to decide who you want to be with. There is no such person as the perfect guy. So when ending a negative relationship, it will be up to you to take the time that you need to get yourself ALL THE WAY together before entering into a new relationship. A lot of times relationships fail because people don't take the time to heal from a previous negative relationship. The journey to becoming whole before entering into a new relationship isn't often shown in movies and I think this is because it would make the movie way too long haha. It's easier to just show the problem and the promise while leaving most, if not all, of the process out of the script. I think that's what we do sometimes, we skip out on the process and try to go straight to the promise in our own way and then we get upset when things don't work out like it did in the movies. I remember when this movie came out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEQBSvtt3xQ

"Two Can Play That Game" is about a intelligent, driven, strong woman who tries to control her relationship with a specific set of rules to punish her partner for making a mistake. I know I wasn't the only woman to write these rules down and try to implement them in real life! Needless to say these rules didn't produce the heartfelt happy ending as it did for Shante (played by Vivica Fox) in this film.

I find that certain movies help to validate my experience as a single woman and that makes me feel good because it means that someone else has had these experiences too. Meagan Good-Franklin directed and produced a great movie called "Love by the 10th Date" and this movie reflected various aspects of the struggles of being in relationships or just trying to get one to start:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HT10PJkpjJ0

I want to you to study these scriptures:

"The human heart is the most deceitful of all things,

and desperately wicked.

Who really knows how bad it is?"

~Jeremiah 17: 9 (NLT)

"Guard your heart above all else,

for it determines the course of your life."

~Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

When the bible talks about the heart, it's not talking about the organ that pumps blood throughout our bodies. The heart in a biblical context is referring to your emotions, intellect, feelings, and spirit. The reason why I'm talking about your heart is because if you're not in control of your heart you will be deceived by your own thoughts and emotions making you believe that something is true when in reality...it's not. The heart is a source knowledge, feeling/emotion, and volitional activity. Always make sure to pray about your heart so that you can enjoy life for what it is and not what you think it should be based on what you saw in a movie.

Ladies look, there's NOTHING WRONG with seeing a movie that makes you feel good by giving you a mental vacation. The best movies are the ones that help you to laugh when the reality of life makes you want to cry (or kill somebody lol). When watching romantic movies always keep your thoughts and feelings in check! Don't walk into the world thinking that the movie is still on play. 

Thinking about a PhD??? (Part II)

Ok so in Part I of this post, I shared a portion of my testimony about getting admitted into a PhD program. In this post I will be walking you through the basics of applying to a doctorate program. So lets get to it!

I have to say that growing up I was NOT prepared for college. No one in my family ever talked to me about the importance of getting a college education. No one motivated me to push beyond high school. My schools didn't emphasize college either (I know isn't that crazy??). It wasn't until I entered into doctoral studies and comprised a presentation in one of my classes on black culture that I understood that society has set up minorities to fail in several aspects. Poor educational systems and lack of funding for inner city schools are examples of how many children in the black community are programmed to believe that college is not something to aim for. I can only speak from my experience as a young black girl from the eastside of Detroit in the 90's. In high school, my counselor never talked to me about the purpose or importance of the ACT (American College Test) so I didn't take it seriously. I took it and got a score of 15 which isn't great at all. I barely heard of the SAT (Scholastic Assessment Test) so I never took it. That's how I know God has been with me through this ENTIRE process because the world didn't care if I made it to college or not.

As a black woman, it was only when I decided to apply for graduate school that I saw the racial divide in the classroom. It was rare that I saw another black student in my class or even within the faculty unless they were in the Africana/African-American studies department. Remember, I was a psychology major. I realized fast that I was different in this field and everywhere I looked reflected my differences. Even though my university promoted diversity, I was still the only black person in my master's class. To look around and not see one person who you can understand your ethnic/cultural experience as a student is disappointing, but I couldn't let that stop me. I guess I really noticed the racial differences because unlike undergraduate classes where a classroom can be as large as 100+ students, graduate classes are much smaller, and they continue to get smaller the higher you go up the academic ladder. My master's class started off with 12 students (but only five of us completed the program). At the PhD level, there are only four students in my class including me. In my program now I'm not the only woman of color but I am the only black student.

The purpose of this post is to show you how to apply to a PhD program, if this is something that you have been going back in forth in your mind about. I want to dispel any myths about the doctorate degree that might be intimidating you from applying. Most of all I just want people to know especially minorities that YOU CAN get a PhD! YOU CAN! I know that society has sent a message that minorities don't quite fit in this domain of education but I am a living testimony that if you want it to happen...GOD CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN FOR YOU! You are intelligent enough and capable enough of having PhD behind your last name!

• WHAT SHOULD I GET MY DOCTORATE IN?
• There are so many areas to explore with a PhD! A PhD stands for Doctorate of Philosophy and you can earn a PhD in any discipline except medicine. The key to choosing the right area is to look within yourself. For me, I had to ask myself, "What is my purpose? What work am I here to do? Who am I here to help? What area(s) would I like to study and work in for the rest of my life?" For me, those areas are counseling and education. God showed me my purpose when I was very young so every college course I took had to do with psychology and counseling. Everyone's path isn't like that and that's ok. I would suggest that you begin thinking about this sooner than later though. If you have a bachelor's degree, you can be admitted straight into a PhD program (depending on the institution) and you can attain a Master's along the way by completing a thesis or certain exams. If you already have earned your master's degree, you can continue your doctoral studies in that same area or an area that is closely related (for example I switched my focus from psychology to counseling however since these areas are so closely related it was fairly simple to cross over). If you pick an area that is not closely related, most institutions require additional coursework to be completed before being admitted into a specific doctorate program. Lastly, and probably most importantly DO NOT I repeat DO NOT choose to pursue a PhD because you want to make tons of money! I know professionals that chose a paycheck over their purpose and they HATE going to work everyday. I'm not saying that money isn't an important factor but it shouldn't be the only factor that you look at.

• WHAT PROGRAM SHOULD I CHOOSE?
• When choosing the right doctorate program for you it will be important that you take time to DO YOUR RESEARCH!!! Take into consideration location. Are you willing or able to relocate to another state or two hours away from where you live now? Look at faculty research interests. Does any faculty member have similar research interests as you or new research interests that attract you? Look at the courses listed for the program. Look at the length of the program. Are you willing and able to commit to what is required?? Make sure to visit the campus and check out the environment and schedule an appointment to speak with an advisor. 

• SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!
• I know for me, I refused to take out any other loans for my education. I already had accrued loan debt from my bachelor's and master's degrees. I knew that going forward into my PhD I wanted it to be DEBT FREE. What most don't know about PhD programs is that a lot of them are FULLY FUNDED. When researching programs, look to see how they will fund your education. Being fully funded means receiving a monthly stipend for your living expenses and a tuition waiver. Some institutions also offer health insurance. In exchange for funding, students work for the university as graduate assistants doing both teaching and research. Full funding is the primary reason why PhD programs are so competitive. Typically PhD programs only admit a very small number of students because of the limited amount of funding. Also look for other sources of funding such as minority scholarships, fellowships, and research awards. If a university is not clear or does not provide full funding for your PhD you should consider applying elsewhere (click on link below): 

https://www.profellow.com/fellowships/how-to-fully-fund-your-phd/

• WHAT DO I NEED TO APPLY?
• In order to apply to a PhD program you must make sure that you read and provide all of the required materials. Its helpful to make a checklist to make sure that you don't miss anything. Most applications require the same materials. The link below is from Stanford University in California however I followed the same procedure when applying in Michigan:

https://ed.stanford.edu/admissions/application-reqs/phd

• Make sure to take the Graduate Record Exam or GRE for short. Your GRE scores need to be submitted directly to the universities that you are applying to. The GRE is like the ACT and SAT that is taken in high school. It is a standardized assessment test that is taken for entrance into graduate school. The GRE is used by many graduate schools to determine an applicant's eligibility for grad studies (click the link below to read more about the GRE):

https://www.petersons.com/graduate-schools/gre-test-description.aspx

• WHEN SHOULD I APPLY?
• Most doctorate programs only admit once a year, typically December first. It will be important to make sure that you verify program deadlines to make sure that you get all of your materials submitted on time. Make sure that you give yourself plenty of room. For example, when I was applying to grad school two of my recommendation writers submitted their letters later than I expected. It was only because I requested the letters earlier than I needed to that the letters were submitted on time. Always account for the unexpected. Create a timeline for yourself:

https://www.princetonreview.com/grad-school-advice/application-timeline 

I hope this information helps and encourages you. Dare to go for your doctorate!!! I want to be the first in congratulating you on your admission FUTURE DOCTOR!

Thinking about a PhD??? (Part I)

As a first generation black female college student, I never thought I would've gotten this far in my education. When I look back at how far God has led me, I remember God has always reminded me of my destiny of being a doctor. When I was 9 years old, I used to dress up in a nurse uniform and go to "work" lol. Work was me going to the basement aka the hospital, lining up all of my stuffed animals aka my patients, and making registration forms to get them all checked in to be seen by the doctor. I would be in that basement for hours...just me and my patients lol so cute right?? My destiny was confirmed again when I was 17. I was a junior in high school, taking my intro to psychology elective course with Mr. Johnson. I loved every class and I was so excited to learn such interesting things about human thought, emotion, and behavior. During that semester I knew that I wanted to be a psychologist. With the confirmation I received in Mr. Johnson's class I knew what path I wanted to take in college. I knew my major before I even applied for college! I attended an on-site admissions event at my high school in my senior year and was admitted to Wayne State University starting in the Fall of 2003. I walked on campus KNOWING what I was there for. I didn't need time to think about it or figure it out...I knew my academic path. God knew that I didn't have time to waste so He made sure to start ordering my steps when I was 9. My boyfriend at the time was very confused about what he wanted to do and wasted months taking classes, switching majors, and essentially wasting time. We had broken up in my sophomore year and I was devastated! I now understand that God was removing him out of my life because he was a distraction and I needed to stay on course to becoming a doctor!

After graduating with my masters degree from Wayne State in 2013 (my masters is in counseling psychology), I took a few years off to work. I didn't see the job that I was employed with at the time as the job that I would retire from. I began to feel in my spirit that this job didn't line up with my destiny. I needed to get back on one accord with my purpose. I had become so comfortable with my horrible job that God had to make things very UNcomfortable for me. After being promoted to supervisor at my job I began to think that things were getting better, and the urgency that I felt before to leave began to fade away. I had the big office, my name on the door and everything but things still continued to get worse. Nothing I tried to do (and Lord knows I tried) made anything any better. As soon as I put out one fire, 5 other fires would break out and God told me, "If you're trying THIS HARD to make this work, it must not be meant to work. Let it go." That's when I was faced with the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life...the decision to quit my job. When this decision had come, I was in my doctorate program for 2 months. I was trying to go to school full time and still work a full time management position. I was overworked and stressed! God again told me to let the job go and focus on school full time. I knew why I was being stubborn in quitting. I didn't want to quit because I knew what I had to sacrifice...I knew the cost...and I was afraid. This reminds me of when Jesus first called His disciples to follow Him:

"When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon,

Now go out to where it is deeper, and let down your

nets to catch some fish."

~Luke 5:4 (NLT)

I encourage you to read all of chapter 5 but basically when Jesus began recruiting the men that would be His disciples, He called them to do things that they weren't used to. In this verse when God speaks to Simon telling Him to cast his nets into the water again, Simon had been fishing all night and hadn't caught any fish. He explained this to Jesus:

"Master, Simon replied, we worked hard all last night

and didn't catch a thing. But if you say so, I'll let the

nets down again. And this time their nets were so full

of fish they began to tear! A shout for help brought

their partners in the other boat, and soon both

boats were filled with fish and on the verge of sinking."

~Luke 5: 5-7 (NLT)

I could only imagine what Simon must have thought when God instructed him to cast his nets back into the water. The important thing to see here is that even though Simon knew what the past results were he was OBEDIENT and did what God said ANYWAY. Look what happened after He followed God's instruction...Simon's net was filled with so many fish that he had to get help from another fisherman just to get the fish into his boat! Not only that but there was so much OVERFLOW of fish that the fisherman who came to help Simon also had his boat filled with fish! They had so much fish that their boats almost sank! WOOOOOW! This reminds me of when I first applied for my doctorate. Many people think that me getting admitted was so easy but it wasn't...not at all. When I first applied for my doctorate I was REJECTED!! That's right, I received 4 rejection letters in the mail. Not to mention that my GRE (Graduate Record Exam) scores were in the LOWEST percentile (I'll explain the GRE in Part II of this post). Basically the GRE is an exam that you take when you apply for a degree higher than a bachelors, at that point you're entering into graduate level study or grad school. 

Getting the first rejection letter was ok because I figured I had 3 more chances to get a yes so one no was ok. As the rejections continued to come, I got more and more discouraged. I thought that I wasn't smart enough to get a PhD...that had to be it right?? I remember getting one of the letters and pulling into a parking lot on my lunch break and just crying with my head on the steering wheel. I thought for sure that at least one of the schools would've said yes. I remember coming back in from a trip and the last letter was in my mailbox. Excited, I ran upstairs and called my boyfriend and told him to come over. He came over and I told him to turn on the camera as I read the letter (I wanted a victory video). When I opened the letter on camera, without reading it I saw that there were only 2 sentences which was way to short for a congratulations letter. I didn't get in. That was my last chance I thought. Now I had no plan, had to return back to the job that I couldn't stand, and rethink my future. Shortly after the last rejection letter, I broke up with my boyfriend (who I thought I was going to marry). I broke up with him because God told me to (and I knew that I needed to). God told me on that day that if I didn't leave him He wouldn't be able to help me. Help me with what?...I wasn't sure. I did what God had instructed me to do, as hard as it was, I was obedient. I understood much later that God again was removing the wrong people out of my life so that I could continue my course to fulfilling my destiny. My destiny is what God wanted to help me with and as long as the wrong people were in my atmosphere His hands were tied. Sidenote: Just know that where God is taking you...everyone won't be able to walk beside you.

So after the rejections and the breakup it felt like my world was turned completely upside down! This is the point where I was promoted on my job and I felt like things were getting a little better. After a little while, God used my coworker to remind me about applying for my PhD again. Almost one year had passed and I wasn't sure if I wanted to feel that rejection again...it took enough for me to get through it the first time. As God instructed Simon, He also instructed me to again cast my nets into the water. Just like Simon I explained to God that my GRE scores were the lowest of the low and I had already been rejected multiple times BUT if He wanted me to apply again I would. God instructed me to apply to only 2 schools. I applied to the schools, prayed, and didn't think anything more about it. About two months later I received an email from one of the schools asking me to come in for an interview. An interview doesn't mean that I was accepted but I was thrilled anyway! I EXPECTED a great result! Shortly after I received the email, a letter came in the mail from the other school that I applied to. I didn't get in. I wasn't even disappointed, I just threw the letter away and figured hey, that must not have been the school that God wanted me to go to. During this process I prayed to have peace and that's what God gave me. Even with a rejection letter in my hand...I had peace (click the links below) These videos were recorded Jan/Feb 2016:

Faith On Tape

Keeping The Faith

I prepared for my interview. I didn't have time to have a breakdown over that rejection letter. I had to focus on what was ahead! I went to the mall and searched for the perfect ensemble. Garments that screamed DOCTOR! After finding the perfect most professional outfit, I went back home and I prayed. I prayed all the way to the interview. I prayed while I waited to be called and then....it was my turn. After the interview I went home excited. I knew I had done well in the interview and I EXPECTED to be accepted into that program. Seven hours later I received a phone call from that school and the first word I heard was: CONGRATULATIONS! I almost dropped the phone! The professor who called, warmly welcomed me into the program and after I hung up, tears of joy began to stream down my face. In less than 24 hours God gave me an answer! The acceptance letter came in the mail about two weeks after that call. I will never forget this miracle...never (click on link below):

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Now I'm entering into my second year as a PhD student (my doctorate will be in counseling education) and I have enjoyed every moment of this journey of scholarship, leadership, and growth. I've seen myself grow as a professional, as a person, and as a child of God. If you're thinking about a PhD I highly encourage you to step out on faith and go for it! APPLY! The process of me applying for my doctorate discouraged me, disappointed me, and almost made me give up on my dreams BUT I didn't allow the process to kill me spiritually...I allowed it to make me stronger. In Part II of this post I will talk more concretely about the process of application and show you how to look for the right program, how to find money to pay for your PhD, and describe what it will take to endure this process. Start seeing yourself as a doctor and God will lead you down the path to becoming one. Just remember that on this journey to YOUR doctorate, it will be very important to not go your own way...God knows how to get you to your PhD...follow HIS directions.

Just Say His Name

This particular week has been pretty tough for me. This week I have been doing a deep level of reflection about things that have confused me. Last week I went on a date. My first date in I don't know how long. I had been communicating with a particular man for a brief amount of time by phone and soon after a rapport had been established we had decided to meet in person for dinner. I was so excited about this date because I rarely go out on dates. My life seems to be consumed with working three jobs, two part time jobs, and one full time job as a doctoral student. In my life I don't often enter social circles or domains in which I meet men. I usually spend a lot of time in the library buried in research, articles, and homework. I do my best to make sure that my life has balance, so I make sure to spend time with my friends and family and I don't wait for the time rather I make the time to do so (let's be real...if I waited for the time...I'd never have it).

So back to this date. When the opportunity presented itself for me to go out with this man I was excited. As soon as I got off work I sped home to get ready. It almost felt like I was getting ready for prom or something. I'm surprised that my mom didn't take pictures of me before I left my house haha! Based on our conversations, this man seemed like the perfect catch! Prestigious job, financially stable, funny, driven, and attractive. I liked that he made sure to communicate with me consistently and always made time to check on me each day. Meeting him in person was amazing. We spent the night engaged in great and purposeful conversation while enjoying the best Italian meal I've ever had! I admit that a part of me began to become a little afraid because I didn't want this night to end! I felt fear because this man and this night seemed way too good to be true. Just know that in some scenarios if things seem too good to be true...they probably are. The man, let's see I'll call him "DJ", suggested that I ask him three questions to which he would answer them honestly. On the spot I thought of so many potential questions that I ironically couldn't think of a single one to ask! I was taken aback by his willingness to be so open. So of course I asked DJ about his relationship with God and he stated that, "I believe in God, but I just have questions." Now I was not turned off by this response. After hearing about some of his experiences I could understand why he would have questions but at the same time I didn't hear about him actively putting forth the effort to get answers. I spoke from a genuine place in describing my relationship with God and encouraged Him to spend time with God so that he could get to know how awesome God is for himself. I also asked him if he would have a problem with me being celibate. I told him that I had been celibate for 9 years and had no intentions on having sex until I was married. DJ replied by saying that he would not have a problem with this at all. I also asked about the last time he had sex and he stated that it had been 2 months. All I could hear in the back of my brain was LOUD sounding alarms. In the moment I did not pay attention to the alarms, but make no mistake, I did hear them. After some more laughs and conversation the night ended and I smiled all the way back to my car. I texted 2 of my girlfriends with "!!!"

After the date I didn't hear from DJ again. A week had passed and I heard nothing. I called and texted a few days after the date with no response. I became discouraged and disappointed. I immediately began to reexamine everything. Communication was consistent before the date, the date went great, but after the date...nothing. I immediately began to point the finger at myself and I asked God, "What did I do wrong? What is it about me that caused him not to respond back?" In this moment I need you to pay attention because God reminded me of something very important:

"My dear daughter. Do you not remember what you asked of me

before you entered the restaurant that night?? I honored your 

request because I honor you. It's not you. It's not about what you said,

rather about WHO you said. You mentioned my name and in the 

presence of my name anyone or anything that aims to do you harm

will be cut off from you."

I had to sit with this and reflect. God was right. The night of the date before I entered the restaurant I said a prayer and I always say this prayer when I begin a new interaction with a man. The prayer goes like this:

"Lord, I am asking you today to be with me and protect me. 

I have no idea the real intentions of this man but I pray Lord

that if this man is NOT my husband or any person that you 

want me associating with that you REMOVE HIM from my life. If you see

fit to remove this man I will ask no questions. I may be disappointed

but I will ask no questions because I know you know what's 

best for me. Amen."

Now the thing about this prayer is that God has honored it EVERY SINGLE TIME I have prayed it. No really...EVERY SINGLE TIME. The last 3 men that I have interacted with either by phone or in person over the last 12 months who I wanted to date, I said this prayer and they were removed INSTANTLY. In each case I became disappointed and discouraged and God had to remind me of what I ASKED Him to do. In my reflections these experiences have confirmed the mighty power of prayer. If you ask God to do something, He will do it! God explained to me that sometimes His protection is more valuable that His provision. I'm glad that God is protecting me:

"The righteous person faces many troubles, 

but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous;

not one of them is broken!"

~Psalm 34: 19-20

I could feel the devil twisting my arm in the spirit. The pain of disappointment, hopelessness, and fear was becoming unbearable! Right when I was about to tap out and give up God cheered me on! He gave me a visual and a scripture:

"Let us not become weary in doing good,

for at the proper time we will reap a 

harvest if we do not give up."

~Galatians 6:9 (NIV)

I love the way that God loves me. He truly is a good good Father. He would rather me hurt a little in the short run than hurt a lot in the long run. He looks and listens to everyone that I encounter and if they are not for me and if they threaten my purpose He keeps them away. As a christian single woman I get that I am rare and most of the men that I will meet will not be able to rise to the challenge in order to earn my heart. I get it and I accept it. Just because DJ couldn't cut it doesn't mean that I should give up waiting for the man who can. Be encouraged out there and remember that your obedience and sacrifice will reward you in ways far beyond meeting your husband. The picture is so much BIGGER than you think. In the meantime, ALWAYS pray when it comes to men. Just say the name JESUS when you are out on dates and watch Him take out the trash. God wants you to elevate to new experiences...not repeat old ones.

All You Have To Do Is Ask

The other day I wrote a post on face book and this is what it said:

From the feedback that I received on this post I noticed that a lot of single women are praying about their future husbands in a vague manner. I can speak from my personal experience with this. As an adult woman hoping to be married some day soon I realized that I have been praying for my husband incorrectly! When I pray to God about the man that I would like to marry, I never mention anything specific about him. I mention nothing about his looks, nothing about his character, and nothing about the vision or the mission of our marriage. My prayers would go something like this:

"Dear God, I just want to say a prayer on behalf of my 

husband. I don't know where he is but You do. I know 

that he is fighting some of the same obstacles that I am

and I pray God that you protect him so the he can find

his way to me. Keep him covered under your blood Lord.

Keep him strong and allow him to feel my heartbeat in the

spirit. I trust that you know what's best for me Lord. Let your

will be done. Amen."

There are some things that can be greatly improved with this prayer. This is why it is so important for me to learn more about prayer and the power that prayer has. I admit that I do not know everything I should in regards to prayer but that is something that I am working to change. I know that the devil is hoping that I continue to have a lack of knowledge in this area. In educating myself more about prayer I see how much I have underestimated what it can do. 

In the Bible you can see that prayer has allowed people to overcome their enemies:

"As the enemy came down toward him, Elisha prayed to the LORD,

"Strike this army with blindness." So He struck them with 

blindness, as Elisha had asked."

~II Kings 6:18 (NIV)

Defeat death:

"Then he cried out to the Lord, "Lord my God, have you brought tragedy even on this widow I 

am staying with, by causing her son to die?" Then he stretched himself out on the 

boy three times and cried out to the Lord, "Lord my God, let this boy's life return to him!"

The Lord heard Elijah's cry, and the boy's life returned to him,

and he lived."

~I Kings 17: 20-22 (NIV)

Bring forth healing:

"And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well;

the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be

forgiven."

~James 5:15 (NIV)

and give wisdom:

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives

generously to all without finding fault, and it will be 

given to you."

~James 1:5 (NIV)

I could go on and on but the point is that all throughout the Bible there are numerous accounts of the power of prayer! So, if prayer is so powerful, why do we as single christian women apply this power to everything else that we desire in our hearts........except our Godly husbands??? As stated in my Facebook post God asks me this question directly as I'm in the drive through line at Burger King at 12:18am. It took nothing for me to request WHAT I wanted and HOW I wanted it and I EXPECTED to receive it just like I had asked. However, when it comes to my husband I speak hesitantly and really what I am saying is, "God just do whatever. I trust you." Now here's the thing, we are SUPPOSED to let God be God in our lives and we are SUPPOSED to trust Him...that's not the problem. God knows exactly what and who He wants to bless us with but when we take the initiative to come to Him and ASK, that shows God a certain level of faith on our part. The problem comes in when we trust in God for what we want but WE DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN WHAT WE WANT!!

Life experiences have a way of making us afraid to expect and as a result we water down our prayers out of fear that they will not be answered. My educational background is in psychology and counseling so I would like to use an example from my studies (stay with me, I'm going somewhere with this):

Classical conditioning was a notable psychological discovery made by a Russian physiologist named Ivan Pavlov. Classical conditioning is a type of learning that is based on an association between two stimulants paired together over and over again. Eventually because of the pairing of the two stimulants, the presence of only one of the stimulants will produce a conditioned response. 

Pavlov used dogs in his experiments to examine learning. A bell was used as the neutral stimulus (which is also called a conditioned stimulus or CS). In this case neutral means that the dogs had no reason to respond to the bell...not at first anyway. Food was also used in the experiments, and whenever food was presented to the dogs they responded by salivating (this is called an unconditioned response or UR). Unconditioned in this case means that the response is occurred naturally. When he gave the dogs food he rang the bell at the same time. Over and over he repeated the pairings of the food and the bell. So ultimately when the bell rang without the presence of the food the dogs responded by salivating, this response is called a conditioned response (or CR) because the dogs learned to associate the bell with the presence of food therefore giving the same response as they did for the food.

So how can we apply this to our Christian walk, prayer, and our Godly mates? Well let us continue...(I told you we were going somewhere). 

Let our CS be a man (the wrong man). Right now things are new and fun and so we have no reason to respond in any negative way to the man....not at first anyway; in the beginning we consider him neutral (and nice). Now, lets say that our UR is feeling unhappy. So over time we enter into a relationship where this wrong man is repeatedly paired with our feelings of unhappiness. Over time you exit the relationship BUT when any man approaches you (more specifically the right man) you give the same conditioned response of unhappiness even without the presence of the wrong man.

I'm using classical conditioning to kind of show how we can become conditioned to give the same response in situations that are different. Our painful and traumatic past experiences with men teach us to either not expect OR expect the same. In these instances our faith suffers greatly. Having no or low expectations isn't good because it means that you are not anticipating positive change. People normally set no or low expectations to avoid the effects of disappointment. Ladies, don't let fear cause you to forfeit your future husband. First you have to know what you want in a husband before God can bless you with one. You have to have a vision and you have to BELIEVE in the man that you are praying to God for! Most important, your attitude about your experiences have to change because if they don't they will continue to hold you hostage and you will sabotage yourself from being happy with they right guy. The only way to get an understanding of your husband in order to know what to specifically pray for, is to get to know God. God is our husband above ANY man. He is the one that loves us, takes care of us, and protects us. He places the seed of faith within us so that we can birth great things!!! It seems like women consider God to be EVERYTHING but a spouse. He is EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that you need Him to be!! Entering into this marriage in heaven will allow you to be kept for the marriage that He will ordain for you on earth.

So ladies I encourage you to say YES to God's proposal of marriage! Everyday women wait for a man to get down on his knee to profess his love but God got nailed to a cross to profess His love for the entire world! No man will do that for you!!! So again I encourage you to say yes to a life of happiness with the One who has loved you from the beginning.

"For your Maker is your husband
the LORD almighty is his name
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth."
~Isaiah 54:5

When it comes to your earthly husband you have to know he, like you, is hidden in God and the only way to understand the man that he is, is by first understanding the One who created him. Stay encouraged in your wait. Don't be afraid to expect God to bless you with an AMAZING man of God. Be BOLD and SPECIFIC in your prayers for him. Remain close and in love with God and He will make the vision of your husband clear. And always remember, settling is NEVER an option.