Walk Like A Wife

When we're born, our parents revel and rejoice in the moment when we take our first steps. They rush to get their phone or video camera as they cheer us on as we wobble our way across the floor. With each shaky step we become stronger and stronger over time and before we know it we're not just walking but we're running! We were taught to walk and were supported and soothed each time we fell.

Even though babies are taught by their parents/caregivers to walk and talk, I find that a lot of children are not taught about how to prepare for life. I can only speak from my personal experiences and the experiences of those who have shared their stories with me. I'm not in any way saying that all children lack preparation for life, but many children do. As a child growing up I wasn't encouraged to help in the kitchen and learn how to cook. I didn't really know anything about how to make a house a home. I wasn't taught about how to save and spend money wisely. I didn't know anything about taxes or how to fill out a W2 correctly when I got my first job. I wasn't taught how to take care of a car (basic maintenance). I wasn't taught about sex and relationships with boys/men. I learned a lot more from my mistakes than from my parents. In no way am I blaming my parents for what they didn't teach me...even though I used to. To be honest, I resented my parents when I got much older for all the things that I had to learn the hard way because I felt so unprepared. God had to purge my heart of that resentment and He opened my eyes to show me two things: (1) My parents weren't taught a lot of things either so they did their best with what they were given. (2) God revealed that I would be the person to break the generational cycle of "the blind leading the blind". I'm glad that God was patient with me as I worked through the issues I had with my parents. It took several years for me to understand that I wasn't the only one suffering from lack of teaching and support but my mother and father were victims of the same thing. Teaching your children important life lessons is important, even if those lessons are taught from your mistakes. There are too many people in this world making careless and unnecessary mistakes due to lack of knowledge:

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge..."

~Hosea 4:6 (KJV)

One thing that we must understand is that everything that wasn't taught to us, we can still learn. Yes, it's unfortunate that the individuals who were supposed to teach us the most important lessons didn't but you can't get stuck there. So many people, myself included, create a pit out of their own pity. I'm here to encourage you to reach out your hand so that God can pull you out of that pit TODAY!

"Because he loves me, says the LORD, I will rescue him;

I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call on me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble,

I will deliver him and honor him."

~Psalm 91: 14-15 (NIV)

At the age of 32, God is teaching me a very important lesson: How to walk like a wife. Like I've stated in this post and previous posts, I had very poor examples of love and relationships in my home growing up and in my family in general. I couldn't use this environment as study material in becoming a spouse and God knew this. Just because I couldn't use my environment as study material, that didn't mean that God couldn't use it as teaching material. This is why God is the most AMAZING teacher!!! God placed a seed in my spirit, a seed of curiosity that made me so thirsty that the only way I could satisfy it was to seek ways to understand human behavior so that I could help repair in others what was broken in me. Helping others as a counselor helped me to see how much potential I had to make a difference in not just the lives of other people but in my own life as well!

As a counselor I have been able to provide treatment to couples in need of help. In helping these couples I had to seek God and educate myself on the best methods to address common issues that were uniquely expressed within each couple. Each session for them was also a lesson for me. Even though couples looked to me for help, they had no idea how much they were helping me. My office dubbed as a classroom and from that I learned great and insightful lessons dealing with communication, submissiveness, sex, support, and family life. One of the biggest lessons that I learned doing marriage counseling was the high level of damage that can occur when unresolved individual issues are brought into a marriage making them marital issues. I of course had the academic training and experience to do my job competently but because I'm also a woman of God an extra component was added that allowed me to learn in ways that my previous training and experience couldn't have taught me.

Below are 5 things that you as a single woman should be doing to prepare yourself for marriage if that is your desire:

1. SEE LIKE A WIFE

You have to have a vision of your marriage ladies. I'm not just talking about envisioning your wedding ceremony and honeymoon. I'm challenging you to think DEEPER than that! Your ceremony will be very beautiful to say the least BUT marriage is more than just the ceremony and the honeymoon. What do you see BEYOND that? As a future wife you need to begin praying for the vision for your ministry aka your marriage because believe it or not marriage IS a ministry. Your union will impact those around you. Your marriage will cause others to either be inspired to follow the example of your relationship OR it will cause others to look for a better example. You have to have a vision for the man that you hope to marry. I've had many visions of my future husband without seeing his face and this is because God blesses me with seeing his CHARACTER before allowing me to see physical features. Just through dating, speaking with, and observing different men, I know what kind of man my husband is and is NOT. Ladies, too many of you have visions for a ceremony but have NO idea what type of man you should be marrying and that's a big problem. Also, if your desire is to be a wife...you have to SEE YOURSELF AS A WIFE! I know you're single but when you look in the mirror you should see a wife...not a woman wanting to be a wife. If you don't see yourself as a wife, no man will.

2. THINK LIKE A WIFE

Every decision you make as a single woman will effect your husband....really. Who you choose to date, what men you choose to associate with, who you choose to sleep with (if you haven't please read my post "9 Years" it's about celibacy), who you choose to spend time with...ALL of these kinds of choices will either progress or prolong your introduction to your husband. You have to think like a wife meaning that you have to exercise wisdom and discernment when interacting with men so that you're not wasting time with the wrong man! As a future wife, I know that any man that wants me just for my body ISN'T my husband and I no longer need to talk or go out with him. As a future wife I know that I shouldn't be entertaining men because I'm bored with waiting on my husband to show up. What if my husband did show up and he saw me sitting at a restaurant with another man?! He wouldn't approach me and now I've added an unnecessary chapter to my love story that was never meant to be there. MODIFY YOUR MIND FOR MARRIAGE. Wives are always thinking of others and helping others. Think about it, they're either serving their husbands or their children. Wives are dedicated to helping others. As a future wife waiting on your husband who are you helping in the meantime? Whether it be clients at your job, friends, or doing work in your community....you should be helping someone! Believe it or not, your day to day experiences may seem unrelated to marriage but they're actually training you for marriage more than you think.

3. SPEAK LIKE A WIFE

When I go out on dates I always speak the language of the long term, meaning I talk about the future and what I desire for my future. Women who just want to be girlfriends often speak the slang of the short term, meaning only talking about the present and taking each day as it comes. Women with a girlfriend mentality are ok with "just seeing where things go" but women who know they are wives have a destination in mind. As a future wife, you must be bold in speaking your truth about what you desire. Too many times women water down aspects of what they want when going out with men because they think that they're asking for too much when really they're just asking the wrong man for things that they can't provide. We sometimes water down our truth when it comes to asking our heavenly Father for what we want (please read my previous post "All You Have to do is Ask). We feel that if we ask God for a man that loves Him just as much as we do, a man who's celibate like we are, a man that will lead, a man that will provide, a man who will be a great father, a man that prays, a man who's romantic that it'll be too much. We play it safe and just ask God for a "good" man because we don't really expect God to come through and bring us a man like that. But a wife knows that she can ask anything of her husband and he will provide it because he loves her that much. The Bible says:

"For your maker is your husband, The Lord of hosts is his name..."

~Isaiah 54:5 (NKJV)

So since God is our husband, we can ask Him anything concerning our earthly husbands and He will come through! Speaking like a wife also means praying and interceding for your future husband, he's going through challenges too on his way to finding you and he needs prayer! If you're able to have his back in the spiritual just think of all the ways you can support him when he arrives and begins to share his dreams with you!

4. COMMIT LIKE A WIFE 

When a person commits to something or someone it means that they carry out a promise, they make a pledge, and they dedicate themselves fully. This what you will be doing when you say "I do." But as a future wife in training you must learn how to commit to your future husband NOW. What do you promise to do? I made a promise to not give up on my husband finding me no matter how frustrated, sad, or impatient I became. This promise hasn't been easy to keep but I'm COMMITTED to it. I just made a new promise to my husband the other day in prayer that I will do works of faith to keep my faith strong and to keep it alive because everyday doubt tries to kill my faith. I'm committed to protecting my faith because without it I won't meet my husband and most importantly I won't be able to please God!

"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God

must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who 

diligently seek Him."

~Hebrews 11:6 (NKJV)

5. WALK LIKE A WIFE

As a future wife you must walk like a wife every day. Walk it out girl! The past few months I've noticed that people have been complimenting me on my "glow".  People have told me time and time again that they've noticed something different in my presence and that whatever it is it's beautiful! I realized that the beauty that other people are seeing is joy. I have joy about what God is doing in my life. I have joy because the blessings that I have been given only prove that my husband is awesome! I'm confident that I don't have to compromise myself for a ring. I no longer tolerate disrespect and foolishness when it comes to men. I've gained so much of my time back because everyday I choose not to waste it! Ladies I encourage you to walk with your head and your standards held high! Now you might not feel joyful everyday and that's ok but know that your tears are temporary:

"For his anger is but for a moment, his favor is for life;

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes 

in the morning."

~Psalm 30:5 (NKJV)

Walk like a wife! Not a girlfriend, not a side chick, not a good time girl, not the main chick....but A WIFE!!! Think about this ladies as a final thought: When your husband finds you, he will be a husband NOT a boyfriend. He will have completed his training...will you stay the course and complete YOUR training? Your husband will be looking for a WIFE...so start acting like one.

Pastor John Gray - He Who Finds A Wife

Life or Death

In 2013, God placed a special seed within my womb. The seed was a vision.....for a film. The film was titled, "The Chain-Breaker Project". Over the next several months, I began to feel the joy and pains of the kicking of this baby. Maybe I'll write a post about the evolution and birthing of this film another time but the concept of this vision is very key to this post. When God gave me the vision of the film, He explained that I had to illustrate the invisible. God provided me with the strength to show what most people don't have the courage to show...their suffering.

In the film as the main character, I wore heavy metal chains that everyone else could see but me...all I felt was the weight and the pain of those chains. The chains represented different things that I was struggling with on the inside. Things like depression, childhood trauma, lies, broken heart, violence, shame, worry, fear, low self-esteem, soul ties/sex, and various other things that a person can suffer with including............suicide. A point that I didn't get to illustrate in the film was the fact that spiritual chains like the ones I just listed are not placed on us as adults rather as children. The devil is extremely smart. He knows that in order to hit us where it really hurts he has to plant a seed and help it to grow.

(The Chain-Breaker Project 2014, in this scene an angel

is freeing the main character from her chains)

As a child I didn't know what suicide was but when I look back on my childhood the signs were definitely there. As a counselor with an extensive background in psychology I can cleary see that suicide had been following me for a long time, it's just majority of that time I didn't know it. Like I said before, the devil is very smart...he had to wait for the right moment to try to kill me...by convincing me to kill myself. I remember when I was in the 4th or 5th grade I took a razor and slid it across my leg. I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt myself, I just wanted to see what it felt like. I didn't even break the skin, just the thought of cutting myself was too scary. I never touched a razor blade again after that. Remember when I said that the devil is smart? Well this is what I mean. Like I said, I didn't have any intentions of harming myself but the seed…the chain of suicide was intentionally placed within me at a young age. Over time, as I grew up my environment helped that suicidal seed within me grow and the chains became heavier. I say chains (plural) because nothing negative ever acts alone, there are always other negative things that develop. As a child and teenager I grew up witnessing a lot of abuse in my home…physical, emotional, and substance. My home environment provided a very poor example of how love functions and so my escape was hanging out in the streets until the early morning hours with the wrong people. When I would get back home, everyone would be sleep, so I would get a brief break from the chaos. 

Even though the example of love that I had was poor, it was the only example I had to go on. I used this example to "find" the love I was missing at home. Isn't that ironic, a lost girl trying to find something that she doesn't even understand and couldn't recognize. It didn't take long to find what I was so desperately looking for. I found love. I found tainted, false, and twisted versions of it in fake friendships and dead romantic relationships. These negative experiences along with the negative experiences I suffered at home helped that seed to not only grow but to take root which meant that it would be harder to rip out of me!!

I felt like my life was no longer worth living when I was 22 years old. I had gotten involved in a string of horrible situationships with men (because I was imitating my poor example of love) and my heart was so broken that I thought it was unfixable. At this point the devil could have pressed the detonate button on that bomb that was inside me…but it wasn't the right time…not yet. The seed had grown from suicidal curiosity to suicidal ideation.

Even though I had thought about suicide a few times during some stressful points in my life, it wasn't until I was 30 that my life really took a turn. The seed had grown and matured. Innocent curiosity of a child transformed into the intentional ideation of a young adult which then transformed in to the plan of an adult who had declared enough was enough! In a previous post I wrote titled, "Get Ready to Graduate" I talked about my last romantic relationship. My ex, "A" had hurt me so badly that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. From a child up until age 30 I had seen and suffered so much hurt, that the blow of this breakup caused my spirit to snap! I couldn't take another person lying to me, abusing me, not caring about me, and not loving me. No one seemed to care about how their actions affected me! I felt so alone!

Each morning I would get up and get ready for work. I would grab my keys, purse, and work bag and head out the door. Oops! I forgot. I would reenter my apartment and grab my cell phone and most importantly...can't forget this...my mask. The mask I wore day after day to cover my real face. My face that had tear swollen eyes and a frown. The mask helped me to function somewhat so that I could handle business....all my personal matters had to wait. I would come home crawl on the couch and just lay there. I ignored phone calls from my friends,  I wasn't interested in doing things that I really liked doing before the breakup occurred. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to talk period. I isolated myself and I can't even tell you how much the devil LOVES when you do that because then he can torture you as much as he wants! According to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, there's no distinct cause for suicide, but depression is the most common mental condition associated with it. In most cases of suicide or suicidal ideation the depression hasn't been diagnosed or treated. I thought about going to to get help, but the big questions were...FROM WHERE? FROM WHO??? I couldn't possibly talk to family about this because they wouldn't understand and I felt in part it was their fault. I couldn't talk to my friends because it looks like Juanita has it altogether! How would they look at me if they saw me falling apart like this?? I couldn't see a therapist because I AM A THERAPIST so no, no, no...I had to work this thing out on my own.

One morning I woke up crying. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom. I continued crying uncontrollably. All of a sudden I heard this thought:

"Remember that bottle of Tylenol that you bought the other day?

It's in your purse in the living room. Go get it."

As I stared to take my first step out of the bathroom, my legs wouldn't move. Literally, I couldn't move! Then I heard a voice say:

"Let it all out Juanita, it's alright. Just let me hold you,

and you just get it all out."

I couldn't process it at the time, but I know now that the first thought was the devil and the second thought was God. This is a real example of what spiritual warfare looks like! The breakup with A happened and the devil chose this day to press that button and watch me die BUT GOD! God intervened and disarmed that bomb that was ticking inside of me with His unconditional love! Not the false version that I had been taught but REAL LOVE!!! After about 20 minutes of heavy and intense crying, I could feel my legs move again. God trusted me not to hurt myself and I could feel Him in the spirit as He let go of me. I walked into my living and got the pills from my purse. I shook my head, The devil thought he had me...heck, he almost did have me. I immediately registered for counseling the next day and worked with my therapist for a year and a half. She was truly a godsend and she helped me so much!!!

I'm now 32 years old. I've been stressed and frustrated at times but I haven't had one suicidal thought since that incident (praise God). I value my life...so I chose life. I hope this post encourages anyone who is struggling with suicide. I need you to know that God loves you! If your struggling with trying to find reasons to live just think of the only one that really matters...God's love for you! The devil doesn't care about you! That's why he can suggest suicide to you because you don't matter to him! But...do you know what God thinks of you? Do you?? There are so many scriptures in the bible about how much God loves you and thinks about YOU:

"How precious are your thoughts about me O God. They cannot be numbered!

I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up, you are still with me!"

~Psalm 139: 17-18 (NLT)

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD,

thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)

Please click on the links below to educate yourself on the warning signs and prevention of suicide. Use this information not just for yourself but for others. Have the courage to have a conversation with someone who knows how to mask their suffering like I did day after day. A phone call, a hug, or a knock on the door could be the action you do that saves a persons life.

American Foundation of Suicide Prevention - Risk Factors of Suicide

Psychology Today - 6 Reasons Why

If you need to talk to someone NOW please call the National Suicide Lifeline for free and confidential help:

1-800-273-8255

(Available 24 hours a day)

9 Years

I'm very happy about this post because it's about something that means a lot to me.

I remember the day that I decided that I didn't want to have sex anymore until I was married. I was so unhappy...depressed actually. I was tired of my unsatisfying and purposeless sexual interactions. I felt like I was loosing myself. With each interaction I was giving a piece of myself away and the next thing I knew...I had nothing left. I was used up and lost. I remember two instances in particular:

I met my ex-boyfriend "S" in my sophomore year of high school. We were young, didn't have much responsibility, and had tons of time to spend together. When we began our relationship everything was great....until he began asking me about having sex. I was 16 at the time and I was a virgin. For a whole year S asked and asked and asked me about having sex. My response to him would always be the same, "I don't know if I'm ready for that right now. Maybe when I turn 18 I'll be ready." After a while though I began to feel the pressure. I went in search for an answer. I asked a minister at the church that I was attending why the bible says not to have sex outside of being married. The minister basically told me to not question God and to just do what He says. To this day, that was the worst advice I've ever received from someone and this started the slippery slope. After having this awkward and unhelpful conversation with the minister, I went home even more confused than before. When S asked me about sex for the 5,472nd time I thought to myself, "Why not?" Up until this point I hadn't heard of any real reason not to have sex, so what was the harm? S was a virgin too so I figured this would be a cool experience for the both of us. After we had sex I didn't feel any different. To be honest, I don't even remember the encounter which is sad because your first time should not be unforgettable or an encounter that you try to force yourself to forget. Anyway, fast forward a few years. S and I are sophomores in college now. I find out while sitting in class that S was cheating on me. Fast forward, I find out that S had been cheating on me with not just one girl but several. I also found out that he lied about being a virgin! He lied about so many things. My virginity was gone...I could never get it back. It was stolen from me by a lying cheater. I was devastated.

In 2008 I traveled to Florida to do my first out of state photo shoot. I was excited and nervous to fly out on my own to do something that I'd never done. To my surprise a guy (I'll call him "C") that I was introduced to by a friend had flown down to Florida to visit his family right before I did. While he was there, I was in Michigan so I when I had flown down he had just returned to Michigan. We had just missed each other by a day or two. When we were initially introduced we had taken casual interest in one another and we started hanging out and talking on the phone. When C found out that I was in Florida, he called me. We were both shocked and disappointed that we had missed each other. A few days later, C called me and asked how things were going in Florida. I told him the area that I was staying in and some things that I had done. The next day I was surprised to hear that C had flown back down to Florida to see me! I was staying in a motel and when C met me at the door I was speechless! I felt so special! A guy had taken a flight just to come and see lil ol' me! I jumped into his arms and we shared mutual smiles and laughs. I called my friend (who had introduced us) and screamed about what had just happened. After ending my call, I turned around and asked C what he wanted to do. In my mind I'm thinking watching a movie or going out to dinner, but no, I was sadly mistaken. I was bubbling over with anticipation for the potential activities for the evening. Well, my bubble was burst big time when I saw C smirk and put his hand in his pocket. As I looked at his hand, I saw C pull  a gold square out of his pocket....a condom. I shuttered inside. I thought I was special...special enough for a guy to take a flight...special enough to spend time with...but in that moment the message that I received was that I wasn't special enough. As soon as C's eyes lined up with mine after we both looked up from his pocket, I felt tears on my cheeks. C didn't fly down to Florida to see me...he flew down for a good old fashion booty call. I told C to leave, I just couldn't believe this was happening. C returned to my room a few hours later. When I opened the door, C's face looked confused like he didn't know how to read my facial expression. He didn't know if me opening the door was a good or a bad thing. With few words I gestured C to come into the room. Before he could speak I told him that we could have sex. My attitude about what I had just said was flat and because of this contradiction he asked me if I was sure about what I had said. I shook my head yes, I mean that's what he came down here for right?? Obviously I wasn't special enough to take out on a date or have a fun conversation with so why not just give the man what he wants?? This message had been repeated and reinforced to me time and time again, "Juanita, you're good enough to have sex with but that's it." I cut off all the lights in the room and we proceeded to have sex. I looked out of the motel window and I felt tears streak the side of my face. I sniffed quietly as I cried in silence and C asked me if I were ok and if he should stop. At that point it didn't even matter to me. When it was over I had nothing else to say to C. He gathered his things and left. We never spoke or saw each other again after that.

These two accounts along with others helped me to realize that I was not enjoying sex...AT ALL. It took me a few years to realize that as long as I did sex my way, I would never enjoy it:

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are

outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who

is in you, whom you have received from God?

You are not your own; you were bought at a price.

Therefore honor God with your bodies."

~I Corinthians 6: 18-20 (NIV)

I learned many hard lessons having sex outside of the will of God. The good thing that came out of this is that...I learned from these lessons. I made the decision to be celibate in August of 2008 and I haven't looked back since. This month I'm happy to celebrate 9 years of celibacy!!!! I have learned so much about myself on this journey. I want to encourage YOU today. If you're reading this post and are contemplating celibacy, I want you to make the informed decision to do so, not because I'm asking you but because that's what God requires from you (if you're unmarried). 

Celibacy reminds me every single day that I deserve the BEST man that God has to offer. I learned the hard way about what happens when I choose for myself and I want to break that hurtful cycle. Celibacy should not be looked at as a punishment or a life sentence rather it should be CELEBRATED! My great friend Carmen Jackson actually encouraged me to have a big celebration for my celibacy anniversary. It was at that point that I realized that I never really acknowledged celibacy in either a negative or positive way. Up until recently, celibacy was just something that I worked hard to "get through" each year but now I realize I don't have to just get through...I can enjoy this part of my journey!! Do you know what keeps me going?...two things. My motivation to keep walking this walk is knowing that I'm living a life that is pleasing to God! Another motivator is an image that I hold in my mind about the look in my future husbands eyes when we're standing across from each other at the altar I tell him how happy I am to give myself to him for the rest of my life, in every way. For him to know that I disciplined myself for years in order to prepare for a special, intimate, and God ordained encounter with him and only him will cause us both to be elated to the fullest!

I need you all to understand that we live in a day where sex has a major influence on the way we think and behave. A lot of people are controlled by their flesh and sexual desires are constantly being reinforced by the world's messages of, "Doing whatever with whoever whenever is perfectly OK!" Think about it...music, television, books, magazines...sex is EVERYWHERE but it's very rare that you'll see it connected with marriage.

I'm not in any way saying that being married is all about having sex because it most definitely is NOT. There are a lot of Christians who are excited about marriage for the wrong reasons. Just getting married to have spiritual authorization to have sex is not enough to sustain the marriage itself. I think that's why celibacy is so important. Celibacy has opened my eyes to the bigger picture of marriage and what it really means. I'm super excited at the thought of being intimate with my future husband (I mean after all it has been 9 years haha) BUT I also know that sex can't cook a meal, pay a bill, clean a home, or fix every argument. Celibacy challenges me to prepare for my husband in other important ways...ways that will KEEP MY MARRIAGE and to be honest sex can't keep a marriage.

The thing that is unique (and difficult) about people who have already experienced sex and made the decision to be celibate is that your body will always have cravings for sex. It's up to you to make sure that you keep your flesh under control. You don't want to block your blessings because your words and your actions are contradicting each other:

"I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should.

Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might 

be disqualified."

~I Corinthians 9:27 (NLT)

This verse is saying that you MUST train your flesh to obey the word of God and resist the devil. Athletes spend countless hours training in order to prepare their bodies to endure the physical brutality of various sports. Just like the physical, you must also spend countless hours training your flesh in prayer, fasting, tithing, knowing the bible, and being obedient so that you can endure the spiritual brutality that comes when you turn away from what the world is doing. 

"It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should

avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn

to control your own body in a way that is holy and

honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans,

who do not know God"

~I Thessalonians 4: 3-5 (NIV)

Today I celebrate 9 years of celibacy. I celebrate 9 years of discipline. I celebrate 9 years of glorifying God by treating my body like a holy temple. I celebrate 9 years of preparing for my wonderful future husband who I believe is closer to me than ever before. I celebrate 9 years of trusting God and His ways even though my body doesn't always understand. I celebrate 9 years of good days and bad days. Today I celebrate and continue the journey.

I absolutely LOVE this poem! It sums up everything about my celibacy journey and only increases my faith in waiting for my future husband. 

Enjoy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igCj3jsbcqs

Life Isn't A Movie

Recently I went to see a movie titled "Girls Trip" starring Regina Hall, Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett-Smith, and Tiffany Haddish. The movie (without giving it away) is essentially about four close girlfriends who drifted apart over time and decided to reunite for a fun girls trip to New Orleans. I thought the movie was HILARIOUS and I actually saw it twice! This post is not about a review of the movie rather a concept that I've seen time and time again when it comes to movies like this. Now when I say "movies like this" I mean romance movies and romantic comedies. Girls Trip is not a romantic comedy per se BUT there was a small focus on romance. 

In general though, with movies in this category, the story line goes the same way almost every time. A woman is unhappy in a bad relationship and while she contemplates whether to stay or to go the perfect guy is just there...waiting on her to choose him. After a sudden epiphany, the woman ends things with the "bad guy" and she immediately starts a new relationship with the "good guy" and they live happily ever after (happy sigh). Not every romantic movie follows this storyline BUT a lot of them do. In essence, the movies who do portray this storyline give women a false reality of how to prepare for the right relationship. It's very rare that I've seen movies where a woman decides to end a bad relationship and then takes time to be alone to recover and be healed from what she exited out of. Typically it's only AFTER she gets into this new happy relationship that she begins to work on herself and turn her life around:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkUvBCW-tS4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcZJYzaIwdI

I've seen both of the above rom-coms (romantic comedies) and they both follow the storyline I described above in creatively different ways. In both of these films unhappy women quickly find themselves in new loving relationships after being by themselves for about five minutes (lol) and that's just not the way things go in the real world. I guess that's why movies like these are made because maybe the truth of how things really go with relationships is just too hard or depressing to deal with and people just want to see how things would go in a perfect world. I don't think that there's anything wrong with getting a break from the reality that we have to live and endure every single day. Hobbies, vacations, and storytelling help us to break away even if it's just for a few hours. 

Here's the thing though...sometimes we as women unconsciously expect life to be like the movies. We expect that the men that we meet will sweep us off our feet with the most romantic words and gestures. We expect to run into the perfect guy right before we break up with the problem guy. We expect there to be no gap in time when leaving one relationship and entering into another. We expect all endings to be happy and everything to just...work out. Well, I'm here to tell you...LIFE ISN'T A MOVIE. Now don't get me wrong, movies are a unique art form, they capture and illustrate ideas of the mind in ways that are magical. The issue here is not movie story lines...not at all. The issue is having illogical expectations based on a story...because that's all movies are...visual stories.

The reality is that the perfect guy isn't waiting around for you to decide who you want to be with. There is no such person as the perfect guy. So when ending a negative relationship, it will be up to you to take the time that you need to get yourself ALL THE WAY together before entering into a new relationship. A lot of times relationships fail because people don't take the time to heal from a previous negative relationship. The journey to becoming whole before entering into a new relationship isn't often shown in movies and I think this is because it would make the movie way too long haha. It's easier to just show the problem and the promise while leaving most, if not all, of the process out of the script. I think that's what we do sometimes, we skip out on the process and try to go straight to the promise in our own way and then we get upset when things don't work out like it did in the movies. I remember when this movie came out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEQBSvtt3xQ

"Two Can Play That Game" is about a intelligent, driven, strong woman who tries to control her relationship with a specific set of rules to punish her partner for making a mistake. I know I wasn't the only woman to write these rules down and try to implement them in real life! Needless to say these rules didn't produce the heartfelt happy ending as it did for Shante (played by Vivica Fox) in this film.

I find that certain movies help to validate my experience as a single woman and that makes me feel good because it means that someone else has had these experiences too. Meagan Good-Franklin directed and produced a great movie called "Love by the 10th Date" and this movie reflected various aspects of the struggles of being in relationships or just trying to get one to start:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HT10PJkpjJ0

I want to you to study these scriptures:

"The human heart is the most deceitful of all things,

and desperately wicked.

Who really knows how bad it is?"

~Jeremiah 17: 9 (NLT)

"Guard your heart above all else,

for it determines the course of your life."

~Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

When the bible talks about the heart, it's not talking about the organ that pumps blood throughout our bodies. The heart in a biblical context is referring to your emotions, intellect, feelings, and spirit. The reason why I'm talking about your heart is because if you're not in control of your heart you will be deceived by your own thoughts and emotions making you believe that something is true when in reality...it's not. The heart is a source knowledge, feeling/emotion, and volitional activity. Always make sure to pray about your heart so that you can enjoy life for what it is and not what you think it should be based on what you saw in a movie.

Ladies look, there's NOTHING WRONG with seeing a movie that makes you feel good by giving you a mental vacation. The best movies are the ones that help you to laugh when the reality of life makes you want to cry (or kill somebody lol). When watching romantic movies always keep your thoughts and feelings in check! Don't walk into the world thinking that the movie is still on play.