In 2013, God placed a special seed within my womb. The seed was a vision.....for a film. The film was titled, "The Chain-Breaker Project". Over the next several months, I began to feel the joy and pains of the kicking of this baby. Maybe I'll write a post about the evolution and birthing of this film another time but the concept of this vision is very key to this post. When God gave me the vision of the film, He explained that I had to illustrate the invisible. God provided me with the strength to show what most people don't have the courage to show...their suffering.
In the film as the main character, I wore heavy metal chains that everyone else could see but me...all I felt was the weight and the pain of those chains. The chains represented different things that I was struggling with on the inside. Things like depression, childhood trauma, lies, broken heart, violence, shame, worry, fear, low self-esteem, soul ties/sex, and various other things that a person can suffer with including............suicide. A point that I didn't get to illustrate in the film was the fact that spiritual chains like the ones I just listed are not placed on us as adults rather as children. The devil is extremely smart. He knows that in order to hit us where it really hurts he has to plant a seed and help it to grow.
(The Chain-Breaker Project 2014, in this scene an angel
is freeing the main character from her chains)
As a child I didn't know what suicide was but when I look back on my childhood the signs were definitely there. As a counselor with an extensive background in psychology I can cleary see that suicide had been following me for a long time, it's just majority of that time I didn't know it. Like I said before, the devil is very smart...he had to wait for the right moment to try to kill me...by convincing me to kill myself. I remember when I was in the 4th or 5th grade I took a razor and slid it across my leg. I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt myself, I just wanted to see what it felt like. I didn't even break the skin, just the thought of cutting myself was too scary. I never touched a razor blade again after that. Remember when I said that the devil is smart? Well this is what I mean. Like I said, I didn't have any intentions of harming myself but the seed…the chain of suicide was intentionally placed within me at a young age. Over time, as I grew up my environment helped that suicidal seed within me grow and the chains became heavier. I say chains (plural) because nothing negative ever acts alone, there are always other negative things that develop. As a child and teenager I grew up witnessing a lot of abuse in my home…physical, emotional, and substance. My home environment provided a very poor example of how love functions and so my escape was hanging out in the streets until the early morning hours with the wrong people. When I would get back home, everyone would be sleep, so I would get a brief break from the chaos.
Even though the example of love that I had was poor, it was the only example I had to go on. I used this example to "find" the love I was missing at home. Isn't that ironic, a lost girl trying to find something that she doesn't even understand and couldn't recognize. It didn't take long to find what I was so desperately looking for. I found love. I found tainted, false, and twisted versions of it in fake friendships and dead romantic relationships. These negative experiences along with the negative experiences I suffered at home helped that seed to not only grow but to take root which meant that it would be harder to rip out of me!!
I felt like my life was no longer worth living when I was 22 years old. I had gotten involved in a string of horrible situationships with men (because I was imitating my poor example of love) and my heart was so broken that I thought it was unfixable. At this point the devil could have pressed the detonate button on that bomb that was inside me…but it wasn't the right time…not yet. The seed had grown from suicidal curiosity to suicidal ideation.
Even though I had thought about suicide a few times during some stressful points in my life, it wasn't until I was 30 that my life really took a turn. The seed had grown and matured. Innocent curiosity of a child transformed into the intentional ideation of a young adult which then transformed in to the plan of an adult who had declared enough was enough! In a previous post I wrote titled, "Get Ready to Graduate" I talked about my last romantic relationship. My ex, "A" had hurt me so badly that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. From a child up until age 30 I had seen and suffered so much hurt, that the blow of this breakup caused my spirit to snap! I couldn't take another person lying to me, abusing me, not caring about me, and not loving me. No one seemed to care about how their actions affected me! I felt so alone!
Each morning I would get up and get ready for work. I would grab my keys, purse, and work bag and head out the door. Oops! I forgot. I would reenter my apartment and grab my cell phone and most importantly...can't forget this...my mask. The mask I wore day after day to cover my real face. My face that had tear swollen eyes and a frown. The mask helped me to function somewhat so that I could handle business....all my personal matters had to wait. I would come home crawl on the couch and just lay there. I ignored phone calls from my friends, I wasn't interested in doing things that I really liked doing before the breakup occurred. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to talk period. I isolated myself and I can't even tell you how much the devil LOVES when you do that because then he can torture you as much as he wants! According to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, there's no distinct cause for suicide, but depression is the most common mental condition associated with it. In most cases of suicide or suicidal ideation the depression hasn't been diagnosed or treated. I thought about going to to get help, but the big questions were...FROM WHERE? FROM WHO??? I couldn't possibly talk to family about this because they wouldn't understand and I felt in part it was their fault. I couldn't talk to my friends because it looks like Juanita has it altogether! How would they look at me if they saw me falling apart like this?? I couldn't see a therapist because I AM A THERAPIST so no, no, no...I had to work this thing out on my own.
One morning I woke up crying. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom. I continued crying uncontrollably. All of a sudden I heard this thought:
Even though I had thought about suicide a few times during some stressful points in my life, it wasn't until I was 30 that my life really took a turn. The seed had grown and matured. Innocent curiosity of a child transformed into the intentional ideation of a young adult which then transformed in to the plan of an adult who had declared enough was enough! In a previous post I wrote titled, "Get Ready to Graduate" I talked about my last romantic relationship. My ex, "A" had hurt me so badly that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. From a child up until age 30 I had seen and suffered so much hurt, that the blow of this breakup caused my spirit to snap! I couldn't take another person lying to me, abusing me, not caring about me, and not loving me. No one seemed to care about how their actions affected me! I felt so alone!
Each morning I would get up and get ready for work. I would grab my keys, purse, and work bag and head out the door. Oops! I forgot. I would reenter my apartment and grab my cell phone and most importantly...can't forget this...my mask. The mask I wore day after day to cover my real face. My face that had tear swollen eyes and a frown. The mask helped me to function somewhat so that I could handle business....all my personal matters had to wait. I would come home crawl on the couch and just lay there. I ignored phone calls from my friends, I wasn't interested in doing things that I really liked doing before the breakup occurred. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to talk period. I isolated myself and I can't even tell you how much the devil LOVES when you do that because then he can torture you as much as he wants! According to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, there's no distinct cause for suicide, but depression is the most common mental condition associated with it. In most cases of suicide or suicidal ideation the depression hasn't been diagnosed or treated. I thought about going to to get help, but the big questions were...FROM WHERE? FROM WHO??? I couldn't possibly talk to family about this because they wouldn't understand and I felt in part it was their fault. I couldn't talk to my friends because it looks like Juanita has it altogether! How would they look at me if they saw me falling apart like this?? I couldn't see a therapist because I AM A THERAPIST so no, no, no...I had to work this thing out on my own.
One morning I woke up crying. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom. I continued crying uncontrollably. All of a sudden I heard this thought:
"Remember that bottle of Tylenol that you bought the other day?
It's in your purse in the living room. Go get it."
As I stared to take my first step out of the bathroom, my legs wouldn't move. Literally, I couldn't move! Then I heard a voice say:
"Let it all out Juanita, it's alright. Just let me hold you,
and you just get it all out."
I couldn't process it at the time, but I know now that the first thought was the devil and the second thought was God. This is a real example of what spiritual warfare looks like! The breakup with A happened and the devil chose this day to press that button and watch me die BUT GOD! God intervened and disarmed that bomb that was ticking inside of me with His unconditional love! Not the false version that I had been taught but REAL LOVE!!! After about 20 minutes of heavy and intense crying, I could feel my legs move again. God trusted me not to hurt myself and I could feel Him in the spirit as He let go of me. I walked into my living and got the pills from my purse. I shook my head, The devil thought he had me...heck, he almost did have me. I immediately registered for counseling the next day and worked with my therapist for a year and a half. She was truly a godsend and she helped me so much!!!
I'm now 32 years old. I've been stressed and frustrated at times but I haven't had one suicidal thought since that incident (praise God). I value my life...so I chose life. I hope this post encourages anyone who is struggling with suicide. I need you to know that God loves you! If your struggling with trying to find reasons to live just think of the only one that really matters...God's love for you! The devil doesn't care about you! That's why he can suggest suicide to you because you don't matter to him! But...do you know what God thinks of you? Do you?? There are so many scriptures in the bible about how much God loves you and thinks about YOU:
"How precious are your thoughts about me O God. They cannot be numbered!
I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up, you are still with me!"
~Psalm 139: 17-18 (NLT)
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD,
thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."
~Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)
Please click on the links below to educate yourself on the warning signs and prevention of suicide. Use this information not just for yourself but for others. Have the courage to have a conversation with someone who knows how to mask their suffering like I did day after day. A phone call, a hug, or a knock on the door could be the action you do that saves a persons life.
If you need to talk to someone NOW please call the National Suicide Lifeline for free and confidential help:
1-800-273-8255
(Available 24 hours a day)
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