The Power of Rest

I took this photo while in New Orleans for my birthday earlier this year. 

A wonderful time of rest, relaxation, and rejuvenation!

So I just completed another semester of doc studies. I'm exhausted mentally, spiritually, and physically. This semester challenged me is several creative ways. I was blessed with the opportunity to be a co-teacher, this is when a student assists in teaching a course with a professor. I initially thought that all I would be doing is passing out papers and doing a little grading, but it was so much more than that! As a co-teacher or teaching assistant, I had several responsibilities. I had to take attendance, collect and grade papers, facilitate class discussions, create and engage in class activities, complete weekly student observations, meet with the professor on a weekly basis outside of class to prep, and participate in midterm and final student evaluations. Whew!

Now while being a TA, I was also a RA (research assistant). Similar to teaching, a RA is a student who assists a professor with their research. So, I had to make time in my schedule to complete data entry and transfer, make copies of different assessments and deliver them to different departments, create spreadsheets, attend weekly meetings with the professors involved, and administer the assessments to students all over campus. 

I also mentored this semester. This was truly an enriching experience. I had to make sure that on top of everything else, I made time to meet weekly with my mentee.

So along with being a TA, RA, and mentor, don't forget...lol...I'm  also a full time student which meant that on top of all the things I described above I also had my student responsibilities. I had projects to create, papers to type, and presentations to well..present lol. I had chapters to read, articles to summarize, and classes to attend. Last but not least, I also work part time and have to fulfill my obligations as an employee. As you can see...ya girl has a lot going on! Now I'm on break until after the holidays and I'm SO EXCITED about catching up on some much needed rest and self care!

The reason why I'm describing in great detail all that I did this semester is because last year at this exact time, my attitude was much different. In early December 2016, I completed my very first semester of the PhD program at Oakland University. After classes had concluded, I basically had the rest of the month off until classes reconvened after the New Year's holiday. Now at this point, I had been living with my parents for a little over a month. I gave up my apartment because I made the choice to quit my full time job in order to go to school full time (SIDE NOTE: YOUR PURPOSE WILL REQUIRE YOU TO MAKE SOME SERIOUS SACRIFICES). So, up until this first semester, I had always worked. I worked different part time jobs throughout undergrad, and after I graduated with my bachelors degree I began working full time. I worked full time throughout graduate school and was blessed to attain my masters degree. Since the age of 15, I always had a job and I was proud of that. Now I used the word proud intentionally because I wasn't just happy about being employed, I took PRIDE in knowing that for 16 years I had always held down a job and supported myself. It wasn't until I was faced with the decision to give up my job for my purpose that I began to feel restless. It wasn't until I had to depend on my parents for help that I began to feel restless (since I was a teen I never really depended on my parents for anything because the relationships with both my mother and father was rocky). It wasn't until I was placed in an academic environment that challenged me in unimaginable ways that I began to feel......restless.

I had no idea how much of my identity was connected to me being an employee. The Bible says this:

"For where your treasure is, there your heart

will be also."

~Matthew 6:8 (NKJV)

Once my treasure was removed, I realized where my heart really was. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a heart for what you do BUT I had more than just a passion and deep satisfaction for what I was doing. I remember when I first quit my job, all I could tell people was, "I've always worked! For the last 16 years, I've always had a steady paycheck!" You see, this is what PRIDE sounds like. The basic definition of pride is a deep satisfaction or pleasure in one's own accomplishments. Biblically, pride goes deeper than that. Pride in the biblical sense means that there is no reverence or reference to God for what HE has allowed one to accomplish. In this context we attribute our success to what WE have done:

"...for in Him we live and move and have our being..."

~Acts 17:28 (NKJV)

Without God I wouldn't have had a steady paycheck for the last 16 years!! I had no idea how much I treasured and depended on having a job and not really thinking about how God is my provider NOT the job. This experience caused me to have a serious spiritual reality check! 

"For all that is in the world--the lust of the flesh,

the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life--is not of

the Father but is of the world."

~I John 2:16 (NKJV)

Once God brought this to my attention, I began to question my identity. Without my job, I had a hard time figuring out who I was. During the month of December (2016), I struggled with rest. I had never been off work like this before. I could sleep in, wake up and not have anything to do, and had each day completely open to do whatever I wanted. I should have embraced this time, but I didn't, instead I felt  a large amount of guilt because I felt restless...I felt like I should've been doing something. I remember feeling very unproductive. This whole waking up everyday with nothing to do was foreign to me. 

When I returned to school that following January of 2017, I continued to struggle internally. When I completed the semester that April I was severely BURNED OUT! I worked hard throughout the first and second semesters and didn't take advantage of the rest period I had in between. As a result of me not taking advantage of getting rest, I created, worked, and gave out of a place of fatigue and emptiness. The second semester was even rougher than the first because I was counseling clients and had to scrape every piece of being within me just to be present in session with them. Now don't get me wrong, I did some hard work with my clients but it cost me BIG TIME. It cost me psychologically, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

As a second year PhD student my identity has been revived and redefined. I know that God is my source for everything that I need and He has provided so much for me! Because I reverence Him in all that I do, I don't have to pay one thin dime for my PhD because He made a way and blessed me with a fellowship that gives me a full ride! My bills have always been paid even with a decrease in my income! God blessed me with a super easy part time job! The list goes on! Without God NONE of these things would be happening for me right now!

God has provided which means I CAN REST! I don't have to feel like I need to do it all because God has done it all for me! I can rest in Him! I can rest assured! I can rest and know that I am taken care of! When we do all the work...we leave no room for God to work and as a result we use up all of our energy.

This December, since my classes ended about two weeks ago I have taken FULL ADVANTAGE of this rest period! I sleep A LOT.  I've spent so many nights in the library studying, up in the middle of the night at home trying to type papers, back and forth to work, and then back to campus for night classes. I scheduled time for everything else EXCEPT time to rest. Getting sleep is so important for overall health and I'm feeling the benefits already just by catching up on the sleep I deprived myself from for the past few months. Going forward into next year and next semester I already know that I will be busy. My professors have already sent me emails about their classes and I'm making a mental weekly calendar with all of the things I will have to do everyday. I thank God that I'm a hard and diligent worker with a solid work ethic but I will be integrating more sleep as a part of that ethic. I'm ready for the new season because I'm making a conscious effort to take care of my mind, body, and spirit in this season. This experience has taught me a valuable lesson:

If I'm not good to myself, I will be no good to anyone else (and I have way too many people to help to be of no good!)

I hope this post reaches and helps someone. I share my personal experiences because I believe that transparency creates unity. Stay encouraged on your journey!

Please click the link below to watch a sermon preached by Pastor Touré Roberts titled "The Power of Rest" this message inspired me to write this post (hence the title) :^)

Pastor Touré Roberts - The Power of Rest

Don't Panic

What do you think of this photo? How do you think I'm feeling?? I remember this beautiful, nice, and sunny day so vividly. By the expression I have on my face you may assume that I'm feeling pretty happy right? Well I can understand your assumption, but unfortunately it's wrong. This is the day that I had my second panic attack (I'll explain the first a little later in this post).

On this day I went to a wedding. Everything was going fine until I entered the church. I arrived early and got a really great seat to view the ceremony. That's when it hit me. As I sat, I began to feel a sharp pain in my stomach. The ceremony wasn't scheduled to being for another hour and the pain was getting worse. I crossed my legs (placing one knee over the other) to try to focus on my pretty shoes that I had bought for the dress that I wore that day. My body posture was very restrictive. I wrapped my arms around my crossed legs and tried to look comfortable. In hindsight, I now understand that I was trying to stop my body from shaking. The stomach pain was excruciating at this point.

The lights began to dim in the sanctuary and I immediately looked around for the nearest exits. I began to think that I wouldn't be able to sit through the ceremony. As the ceremony went on, I began to buckle over in pain. I realized that I had buckled so far over that my head was almost resting on my knee. I heard the ceremony going on and I knew that I needed to sit up but for the life of me I just couldn't do it. Immediately  I began to regret sitting so far up front. I wish I had just sat in the back like I started to do. I then heard God's voice:

"I know this hurts but I need you to sit up. You can do it.

I need you to see this."

In that moment I knew exactly what God was talking about. I have avoided going to weddings for quite some time. A part of me just didn't want to see something that I felt would not happen for me. Being completely transparent, weddings made me sad because they reminded me of how far away I was from that point. Whenever someone invited me to a wedding, I would always come up with an excuse not to go. I definitely wanted to come and support but a part of me was afraid to go. I never understood this fear and to be honest I never explored why I had it, I just took that fear as a sign that I didn't need to attend. For this wedding in particular I felt different. God was actually encouraging me to attend. He hadn't done that with the others. I remember the night before, I had convinced myself that I was NOT attending. My mom talked to me and encouraged me to go out and find a nice dress to wear. It was already 7pm and the store that I wanted to go to closed at 8pm. I went already assuming that I wouldn't have time to find anything so that would mean that I wouldn't be able to go (which was ok with me because I didn't want to go anyway). I went to the store and the first dress I picked up and tried on was PERFECT. I gave God the side-eye like, "Really?? So it's just gonna fit all flawlessly and look all gorgeous AND be on sale?!" The next day I found the PERFECT shoes which were also on sale (I gave God another side-eye). I kind of felt like Cinderella because there was this "ball" that I didn't feel worthy enough to attend but God dressed me like a princess and encouraged me to go and have nice time.

So after God spoke to me, I was able to sit up but I still felt the pain. The ceremony was the most beautiful that I had ever seen! Next thing I know, I began to tear up. I held in my tears and all of the emotions that those tears was connected to. I held them in because I wasn't sure why I wanted to cry. Was I overcome with emotion because the wedding was so beautiful or was it that I was being reminded yet again that I was nowhere close to having my own wedding?? Was I being TOUCHED by the ceremony or was I being TEASED by it? I wasn't sure, so I decided not to shed one tear because if I did I at least wanted to know why I was crying. After a few minutes of holding in all of this emotion, I looked around to see where the exits were. My stomach felt like a towel that was being wrung out, I was about to burst into tears, I was overwhelmed with emotions that I refused to let out, and then I began to feel dizzy. "Oh great." I thought...on top of everything else now I'm feeling dizzy?! The exit seemed so far away and to get to it I would have to get up and cross over people and I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. Luckily enough for me as soon as I realized that an early exit wouldn't be possible, the ceremony had concluded. "Thank God!" I thought. Now I could finally escape to my car and cry in private. 

On my way out of the sanctuary, I saw a man that I knew. We both knew the bride and groom so I wasn't surprised to see him. As I continued to walk, I felt my knees shaking and my steps becoming a little unstable. Feeling lightheaded and wearing new heels is a horrible combination! I felt like I was about to pass out. I couldn't believe all of this. "See God, THIS is why I didn't want to come! Now I see why I was afraid!!" I screamed to God in my mind. As I walked out with the man, I was just about to ask him to walk me to my car because I honestly didn't think I would make it. Every step I took was a risk in itself! Right when I was about to ask him, he turned around and asked me, "Did you talk to the bride and groom yet? We should go say hi." I really just wanted to go but I didn't want to look weird so I went along. It took every piece of strength I had to go through this part. I felt my heart beating super fast. Just trying to get through the crowd of people made me anxious. I managed to say hello and congratulate the happy couple and then I darted off the scene. My legs felt like they were about to collapse and I began to pick up the pace as I briskly walked/wobbled to my car. It was like I was in a race against myself. As soon as I made it inside and closed the door I took off my heels and burst into uncontrollable tears. While I cried, I grabbed my chest because it felt like I couldn't breathe. I was trying to grab air in between tears. I realized in that moment that the tears, the abdominal pain, the shaking, the tenseness in my body, my rapid heart rate, the weakness in my legs, and the dizziness were all symptoms anxiety. I knew this because as a clinician I have given this diagnosis to OTHER PEOPLE. Never would I have thought that I would be experiencing symptoms of anxiety! I mean, I've been nervous before but NEVER have I experienced anything like this!

I cried all the way home. As I walked into my house all I could focus on was getting to my bed. I went straight to my room and didn't speak to my mom. I didn't want her asking me about the wedding and how it went. I didn't want her seeing the rivers of tears on my face that streaked my makeup. I just didn't feel like talking to anyone. I took of my pretty clothes and went to bed. As I slept, I began to feel extremely cold. I woke up to put on an extra pair of jogging pants, a sweater, and even a scarf. Yup, I had the chills. As I continued to sleep, my muscles began to ache....badly. The next day that stomach pain turned into feelings of nauseousness. I also developed a serious migraine headache. I was in this condition for three days. I thought I had the flu but it wasn't that. After accepting that I was having issues with anxiety, I realized that my account was more than just anxiety issues. Due to my newer symptoms of chills and nausea coupled with the dizziness, abdominal pain, headaches, and all the other things I was going through I looked up the symptoms for a panic attack. I was experiencing nearly all of the listed criteria. Everything made sense then, I had a panic attack at the wedding and now I was suffering the aftermath of that experience. I was stunned because I never thought that I would experience anything like this...not me. I realized too that this was not my first panic attack. This attack was by far the most severe but not the first. In taking time to reflect, I remembered that the last wedding I attended (and was a part of) I had similar symptoms. It was about two years prior and I felt the same abdominal cramping/pain, I felt weak in my body, and I was looking for exits in the case that I needed to leave early. Unlike this most recent wedding, in the wedding that I was a part of, I sat right by the back door. The abdominal pain had gotten so bad I couldn't stand. I left the wedding early...right through the back door. This experience did not lead to the other symptoms I described above; the very next day I was back to normal.

Not only am I a counselor, but I am also a Christian, so I believe that my experience with anxiety and panic was definitely an attack but not just in the clinical sense. I believe that the devil was spiritually attacking me with these negative things. The devil wasn't attacking me per se, rather he was attacking my trust in God and the hope and faith that I have in Him to unite me with my future husband. He wanted me to tap out, give up, and throw my hands in the air in defeat. Spiritually I could feel his foot on my back as I lay on the ground. I could hear him laughing as I lay there in pain but then I remembered what God had told me at the wedding. He was there with me then and He was STILL with me...even in this attack:

"Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, 

Yes I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

~Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV)

God explained to me that He needed me to see the wedding because what I thought was the CEILING, as far as weddings go, was actually the FLOOR in comparison to what God has planned for me! In other words, God was saying, "You thought that was somethin?! Well you haven't seen nothin yet!! Just wait until it's your turn!" God just wanted me to remember His promises. That wedding was a reminder that my time IS coming. That jumpstarted my hope and revived my faith! This takes NOTHING away from that lovely wedding that I saw, but I understand now that God has plans for me that cannot be compared with anyone else's! 

This experience, made me self aware. I know that weddings are triggers for me, and this specific trigger can cause anxiety BUT now that I know this I can prepare myself. I know that there are several techniques to help lessen anxiety like deep breathing for example, but along with that I want to make sure that I remind myself that GOD IS ALWAYS WITH ME AND THAT I DON'T NEED TO BE AFRAID OF ANYTHING! And understand this, avoidance is not a healthy way of coping with anything that you're afraid of. I will no longer be avoiding weddings. The next one that I attend, I will take a few deep breaths and recite this scripture aloud to myself:

"Wait on the Lord;

Be of good courage,

And He shall strengthen your heart;

Wait, I say, on the Lord!"

~Psalm 27:14 (NKJV)

I hope this post reaches and helps someone. I share my personal experiences because I believe that transparency creates unity. Stay encouraged on your journey.

Please click on the links below if you would like to read more about the clinical symptoms, treatment, and prevention of anxiety and panic attacks:

Anxiety

Panic Attacks & Panic Disorder

Mental Health and the Black Church

In this post I will be using the terms African-Americans, black people, and people of color interchangeably

"I know we don't normally preach this in holiness but some of you need to talk to a professional about what's bothering you." That's what I heard the minister say as I sat in church a few weeks ago. During another church service after that I watched as the preacher acknowledged all of the medical doctors in the sanctuary and appreciated them for their service. In the middle of the sermon he stated, "You don't need a psychologist or psychiatrist! What you need is Jesus!!" These messages bothered me. I found myself not being able to connect to the atmosphere in that moment which also bothered me because I'm a spiritual and religious individual. I love going to church to worship and praise God for all of the magnificent things that He has done in my life, but I find that negative messages about mental health and mental health services are the norm in the black community, especially in some (I repeat SOME) black churches. These recent messages that I heard in the last few weeks caused me to reflect on how many times I've heard black pastors preach against mental health services, mental disorders, and mental health professionals.

I grew up in the church. My grandfather pastored his own church for many years. My mother is a powerful woman of God and a missionary who instilled spiritual values in me and my brother from a very young age. I've been a member of five different churches throughout my lifetime. Business, engineering, nursing, medicine, education, social work, language, journalism, and theology are just some of the areas of study that I've observed being talked about in a positive way within the black church. When I began to reflect, I realized that I've heard the same message about mental health over and over again in church; messages that discourage African-Americans from seeking professional help. Only when I began working in mental health did I become both sensitive and disappointed by these messages.

In my own personal experience, I have dealt with some very serious issues in my life. Issues having to do with abuse, family problems, sex, relationships, and self-esteem. Two of the biggest issues I've dealt with in my life were depression and suicide. I've wrestled back and forth with depression for many years and still experience bouts of it from time to time. One thing that I really treasure about my spirituality is that my beliefs helped me to battle with depression and suicide AND WIN! My belief in God and being active in attending church helped me to find deeper value and meaning in my life and prevented me from doing harm to myself. The crucial point that I want to make sure to highlight here is it wasn't spirituality and religiosity alone that helped me win these battles.

I first decided to seek out a therapist in the summer of 2015, I was 30 years old. In my post titled "Life or Death" I talk about the bad spiritual and mental state that I was in:

"From a child up until age 30, I had seen and suffered so much hurt that the blow

of this breakup caused my spirit to snap! I couldn't take another person lying

to me, abusing me, not caring about me, and not loving me. No one seemed

to care about how their actions affected me! I felt so alone!"

So what do you do when your spirit...the very thing that your beliefs are encased in seems to "snap?" At that time, being in a crowd of people listening to the preacher wasn't helping me. I was getting all dressed up for church, covering up my depression with MAC makeup (ha how ironic..concealing with concealer). On the outside, I looked like I was doing fine but on the inside I was considering taking my life! I remember one day going to church, sitting there for a while and just leaving because there was so much going on inside of me. What do you do when the most powerful altar call doesn't help, when private prayer doesn't seem to be helping, when meeting with the pastor one on one isn't helping....what do you do?? Inside I felt very conflicted because I've grown up listening to messages that I didn't need to pay a therapist money just to talk, but I knew that if I didn't get help fast my mental and spiritual condition was only going to get worse!  I myself, A COUNSELOR, who had gone through extensive study, research, education, training, and practice in human behavior, cognition, and mental health refused to believe that I needed and wanted professional help. It was easy for me to encourage my clients and commend them for making the first step yet I couldn't do it myself. In my mind, I was the professional who gave help...it wasn't for me to seek or receive. What a damaging way of thinking. But here's the question again, "What do you do?" ...when your degrees can't even help you?

"What do you do?" is an even harder question to ask when you have experienced "church hurt." Often the church is the place where many people of color go to find safety, peace, support, encouragement, strength and help for their issues but when the people in the church hurt you...it feels like you truly have NOWHERE to turn especially if you have been discouraged by the church to seek professional help.


The goal of this post is NOT to speak negatively about or criticize the black church rather to help educate the black community which includes the church about the benefits of being aware of the status of your mental health and receiving the appropriate services if necessary. 

So what are some reasons why African-Americans don't seek professional help even if they desire help?

1. Historical Context 

During slavery black people had to put on a strong face while enduring inhumane treatment. Black women specifically were raped and beaten and ANY emotional or physical expression of opposition could result in them being killed or their family being raped or sold. This is where the persona of the Strong Black Woman was originated. Essentially, back in this time, suffering silently was the only way for black to women survive. In general I believe that this attitude has been passed down and unconsciously adopted by African-Americans over generations and the goal now is to continue to survive both physically and psychologically. I know that the Strong Black Woman schema is connected with black women but everyday, black men AND women have to survive the workplace, the classroom, home, and society. Over time we have learned that expressing our true and authentic feelings about negative situations could result in consequences that label us, confine us, and sadly...kill us.

2. Cultural Mistrust

Literature has shown that enslaved Africans were brutalized culturally, physically, socially, and emotionally. After slavery was abolished in 1865, segregation was legalized and this system kept black people in a subordinate status by denying them equal access to public facilities. People of color were to live apart from white people which only perpetuated the message that to be black is to be inferior. From the past era of The Civil Rights Movement to the current era of the Black Lives Matter Movement we can see where the judicial system failed the black population. When looking specifically at healthcare we can see another major systemic failure that has put the black community at a huge disadvantage in relation to mental health services.

The Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment for example, was a significant historical event that had a huge negative affect on the way African-American's view health care and the field of medicine. I encourage you to read about this if you are unfamiliar with this account. Basically, hundreds of poor black men were recruited for a study that promised to treat them for "bad blood." These men signed up for this study under false pretenses and were promised free meals, free treatment, and burial insurance. Out of 600 black men, 399 were diagnosed with syphilis. The men with syphilis were NOT told that were NOT being treated for the diagnosis rather just watched until they eventually died so that their bodies could be examined for research. You should also know that even after penicillin was discovered, these men were NOT offered that treatment. This study DESTROYED the trust many African-Americans held for medical institutions and this mistrust continues even today.


3. Stigma

Many people in the African-American community think that if they seek professional help than that means that they are crazy. Because of the discourse of mental disorders in the black community disorders such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, and suicide are all looked at as crazy. In doing a Google search on black people and mental health, I saw a picture that read, "Black people don't commit suicide!" I believe that education is the key in disrupting these false messages about mental health. They more we know, the more we can do!


4. Cost

Let's be real. Going to God costs absolutely NOTHING and that is the awesome thing about God! You don't have to worry about how much is in your account to talk to Him. You can talk to God anytime about anything. The sad reality is that many African-Americans who would like to receive professional help, can't afford it. Therapy is not only a commitment but it is also an investment. Insurance coverage, out of pocket costs, and unemployment are key factors in determining whether or not an individual is able to attend therapy. A recent article that I read stated that even though financial resources are a barrier, the stigma and historical context of seeking professional help outside of the church supersede that barrier for many people of color.

5. Replacing or Betraying God

I think that many African-Americans may feel that if they seek help outside of the church they are betraying God. I know for me, I believed that the thought of seeking help meant that I didn't trust God to help me with my situation. Contrary to what you may have heard, seeking out professional help does NOT mean that you're betraying God, don't trust God, or that you have a lack of faith in God. Think about it....do you feel like you're betraying God when you go to the doctor? No, because you understand that you need a professional to help relieve you from the physical pain that you're experiencing right? Well if you don't feel like a traitor for going to the doctor, than you shouldn't feel that way going to see a therapist to get relief from the emotional pain that you're experiencing. A doctor, lawyer, teacher, policeman, judge, (the list can go on)...can NEVER replace God...NEVER!! We accept these various professional services because we know that they are in place to help us when we need it.

6. Quiet is Kept

When I was growing up, the rule was we never talked about what went on in my house outside of my house. That was it, end of discussion. In many black homes that rule still stands. And again, as I've talked about above, the failures of so many major societal systems has caused many African-Americans to not trust any other entity outside of their community. On top of that there is is an element of shame that comes with talking about "dirty laundry" and this is because a lot of times that laundry is linked to the family. I read an article about how difficult it is for black people in particular to talk about their problems because in doing that they would also have to face that their family has failed them in some way. I find this interesting. A person may argue, "Well I'm not black and my family failed me too. Talking about it isn't any easier for me." I'm not saying that this hypothetical argument isn't true. What I am saying is that, in comparison to people who are white, black people have experienced several types of systemic failures including healthcare, court, police, education, and employment. To then add their own family to that list could make a person of color so ashamed that they would prefer to just suffer in silence and try to cope in other ways without talking to someone else about it.

7. Going Against What the Preacher Says

An article looking at African-American pastors and their responses to the mental health issues of their congregants found that black pastors are often faced with mental health issues within their churches. Statistics show that nearly 80% of African-Americans identify religion and spirituality as an important part of their lives. It is understandable then that black church goers would seek help from their pastors in regards to their mental health issues. Unfortunately, within the black church there are different messages regarding what one should do to address mental health issues and as a result black people are less likely to seek out a counselor outside of the church. I want to make sure to point out the stats and research on this subject so that you know that there is evidence out there, but in my own experience I have witnessed more pastors discouraging professional help seeking than encouraging it. A dear friend of mine told me that she went to her pastor a few years ago to talk about suicidal thoughts that she was having. Her pastor's response was giving her a few encouraging scriptures and telling her to stay "prayed up." She continued to struggle with suicidal thoughts for the next few years until she decided to see a counselor. The pastors in the study stated that they did communicate to their congregants that having a lack of faith could be a possible cause of anxiety and depression. So again I ask, "What do you do?"...when you consider yourself a person of faith but you're experiencing feelings and thoughts you don't understand only to go to church and be told that you don't have enough faith and that's why you feel this way. What message does that send?? I both agree and disagree with that statement. I agree that sometimes my lack of faith has had a strong negative affect on my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I disagree that having a lack of faith is ALWAYS the sole reason why I may experience negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Again as I stated in the beginning of this post, my goal here is to EDUCATE my community not criticize it. As a black person who believes and serves God I know how difficult it is to admit that you need help. I know what it feels like when the church by itself isn't helping. I believe that God created special people to be special resources OUTSIDE of the church so that we could connect with people in not just a professional way but also a spiritual way. This is my purpose...I get the chance to bring God into every session and every class and every interaction I have whether I mention Him directly or not. He sits and is present with me to help me be the best help to someone else....even if they don't acknowledge or believe in Him. Please, if you need help seek it out. Pray and ask God for direction to lead you to the right professional....no more suffering in silence....no more.