What do you think of this photo? How do you think I'm feeling?? I remember this beautiful, nice, and sunny day so vividly. By the expression I have on my face you may assume that I'm feeling pretty happy right? Well I can understand your assumption, but unfortunately it's wrong. This is the day that I had my second panic attack (I'll explain the first a little later in this post).
On this day I went to a wedding. Everything was going fine until I entered the church. I arrived early and got a really great seat to view the ceremony. That's when it hit me. As I sat, I began to feel a sharp pain in my stomach. The ceremony wasn't scheduled to being for another hour and the pain was getting worse. I crossed my legs (placing one knee over the other) to try to focus on my pretty shoes that I had bought for the dress that I wore that day. My body posture was very restrictive. I wrapped my arms around my crossed legs and tried to look comfortable. In hindsight, I now understand that I was trying to stop my body from shaking. The stomach pain was excruciating at this point.
The lights began to dim in the sanctuary and I immediately looked around for the nearest exits. I began to think that I wouldn't be able to sit through the ceremony. As the ceremony went on, I began to buckle over in pain. I realized that I had buckled so far over that my head was almost resting on my knee. I heard the ceremony going on and I knew that I needed to sit up but for the life of me I just couldn't do it. Immediately I began to regret sitting so far up front. I wish I had just sat in the back like I started to do. I then heard God's voice:
"I know this hurts but I need you to sit up. You can do it.
I need you to see this."
In that moment I knew exactly what God was talking about. I have avoided going to weddings for quite some time. A part of me just didn't want to see something that I felt would not happen for me. Being completely transparent, weddings made me sad because they reminded me of how far away I was from that point. Whenever someone invited me to a wedding, I would always come up with an excuse not to go. I definitely wanted to come and support but a part of me was afraid to go. I never understood this fear and to be honest I never explored why I had it, I just took that fear as a sign that I didn't need to attend. For this wedding in particular I felt different. God was actually encouraging me to attend. He hadn't done that with the others. I remember the night before, I had convinced myself that I was NOT attending. My mom talked to me and encouraged me to go out and find a nice dress to wear. It was already 7pm and the store that I wanted to go to closed at 8pm. I went already assuming that I wouldn't have time to find anything so that would mean that I wouldn't be able to go (which was ok with me because I didn't want to go anyway). I went to the store and the first dress I picked up and tried on was PERFECT. I gave God the side-eye like, "Really?? So it's just gonna fit all flawlessly and look all gorgeous AND be on sale?!" The next day I found the PERFECT shoes which were also on sale (I gave God another side-eye). I kind of felt like Cinderella because there was this "ball" that I didn't feel worthy enough to attend but God dressed me like a princess and encouraged me to go and have nice time.
So after God spoke to me, I was able to sit up but I still felt the pain. The ceremony was the most beautiful that I had ever seen! Next thing I know, I began to tear up. I held in my tears and all of the emotions that those tears was connected to. I held them in because I wasn't sure why I wanted to cry. Was I overcome with emotion because the wedding was so beautiful or was it that I was being reminded yet again that I was nowhere close to having my own wedding?? Was I being TOUCHED by the ceremony or was I being TEASED by it? I wasn't sure, so I decided not to shed one tear because if I did I at least wanted to know why I was crying. After a few minutes of holding in all of this emotion, I looked around to see where the exits were. My stomach felt like a towel that was being wrung out, I was about to burst into tears, I was overwhelmed with emotions that I refused to let out, and then I began to feel dizzy. "Oh great." I thought...on top of everything else now I'm feeling dizzy?! The exit seemed so far away and to get to it I would have to get up and cross over people and I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. Luckily enough for me as soon as I realized that an early exit wouldn't be possible, the ceremony had concluded. "Thank God!" I thought. Now I could finally escape to my car and cry in private.
On my way out of the sanctuary, I saw a man that I knew. We both knew the bride and groom so I wasn't surprised to see him. As I continued to walk, I felt my knees shaking and my steps becoming a little unstable. Feeling lightheaded and wearing new heels is a horrible combination! I felt like I was about to pass out. I couldn't believe all of this. "See God, THIS is why I didn't want to come! Now I see why I was afraid!!" I screamed to God in my mind. As I walked out with the man, I was just about to ask him to walk me to my car because I honestly didn't think I would make it. Every step I took was a risk in itself! Right when I was about to ask him, he turned around and asked me, "Did you talk to the bride and groom yet? We should go say hi." I really just wanted to go but I didn't want to look weird so I went along. It took every piece of strength I had to go through this part. I felt my heart beating super fast. Just trying to get through the crowd of people made me anxious. I managed to say hello and congratulate the happy couple and then I darted off the scene. My legs felt like they were about to collapse and I began to pick up the pace as I briskly walked/wobbled to my car. It was like I was in a race against myself. As soon as I made it inside and closed the door I took off my heels and burst into uncontrollable tears. While I cried, I grabbed my chest because it felt like I couldn't breathe. I was trying to grab air in between tears. I realized in that moment that the tears, the abdominal pain, the shaking, the tenseness in my body, my rapid heart rate, the weakness in my legs, and the dizziness were all symptoms anxiety. I knew this because as a clinician I have given this diagnosis to OTHER PEOPLE. Never would I have thought that I would be experiencing symptoms of anxiety! I mean, I've been nervous before but NEVER have I experienced anything like this!
I cried all the way home. As I walked into my house all I could focus on was getting to my bed. I went straight to my room and didn't speak to my mom. I didn't want her asking me about the wedding and how it went. I didn't want her seeing the rivers of tears on my face that streaked my makeup. I just didn't feel like talking to anyone. I took of my pretty clothes and went to bed. As I slept, I began to feel extremely cold. I woke up to put on an extra pair of jogging pants, a sweater, and even a scarf. Yup, I had the chills. As I continued to sleep, my muscles began to ache....badly. The next day that stomach pain turned into feelings of nauseousness. I also developed a serious migraine headache. I was in this condition for three days. I thought I had the flu but it wasn't that. After accepting that I was having issues with anxiety, I realized that my account was more than just anxiety issues. Due to my newer symptoms of chills and nausea coupled with the dizziness, abdominal pain, headaches, and all the other things I was going through I looked up the symptoms for a panic attack. I was experiencing nearly all of the listed criteria. Everything made sense then, I had a panic attack at the wedding and now I was suffering the aftermath of that experience. I was stunned because I never thought that I would experience anything like this...not me. I realized too that this was not my first panic attack. This attack was by far the most severe but not the first. In taking time to reflect, I remembered that the last wedding I attended (and was a part of) I had similar symptoms. It was about two years prior and I felt the same abdominal cramping/pain, I felt weak in my body, and I was looking for exits in the case that I needed to leave early. Unlike this most recent wedding, in the wedding that I was a part of, I sat right by the back door. The abdominal pain had gotten so bad I couldn't stand. I left the wedding early...right through the back door. This experience did not lead to the other symptoms I described above; the very next day I was back to normal.
Not only am I a counselor, but I am also a Christian, so I believe that my experience with anxiety and panic was definitely an attack but not just in the clinical sense. I believe that the devil was spiritually attacking me with these negative things. The devil wasn't attacking me per se, rather he was attacking my trust in God and the hope and faith that I have in Him to unite me with my future husband. He wanted me to tap out, give up, and throw my hands in the air in defeat. Spiritually I could feel his foot on my back as I lay on the ground. I could hear him laughing as I lay there in pain but then I remembered what God had told me at the wedding. He was there with me then and He was STILL with me...even in this attack:
"Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
~Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV)
God explained to me that He needed me to see the wedding because what I thought was the CEILING, as far as weddings go, was actually the FLOOR in comparison to what God has planned for me! In other words, God was saying, "You thought that was somethin?! Well you haven't seen nothin yet!! Just wait until it's your turn!" God just wanted me to remember His promises. That wedding was a reminder that my time IS coming. That jumpstarted my hope and revived my faith! This takes NOTHING away from that lovely wedding that I saw, but I understand now that God has plans for me that cannot be compared with anyone else's!
This experience, made me self aware. I know that weddings are triggers for me, and this specific trigger can cause anxiety BUT now that I know this I can prepare myself. I know that there are several techniques to help lessen anxiety like deep breathing for example, but along with that I want to make sure that I remind myself that GOD IS ALWAYS WITH ME AND THAT I DON'T NEED TO BE AFRAID OF ANYTHING! And understand this, avoidance is not a healthy way of coping with anything that you're afraid of. I will no longer be avoiding weddings. The next one that I attend, I will take a few deep breaths and recite this scripture aloud to myself:
"Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!"
~Psalm 27:14 (NKJV)
I hope this post reaches and helps someone. I share my personal experiences because I believe that transparency creates unity. Stay encouraged on your journey.
Please click on the links below if you would like to read more about the clinical symptoms, treatment, and prevention of anxiety and panic attacks:
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