Get Ready to Graduate!

I've been single for two years now. My last relationship was like summer school. I use this metaphor because kids typically attend summer school for one of two reasons: 1) When a senior is in danger of not graduating due to failing a course or being short of credits or 2) A student is in danger of being held back due to poor academic performance in several subject areas. In general, summer school is for students who didn't learn the lesson at the time they were supposed to. Now the student is required to put in extra time and work to make sure they learn the lesson in order to prevent the aforementioned outcomes from happening. Like I said, my last relationship was summer school for me. My lesson was, "God doesn't need your help". For some reason I just wasn't getting it, so God put me in summer school so that I could learn. Unfortunately I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I met my ex-boyfriend via social media, we began dating, and were together for almost 3 years. When I look back on it now, I realize that God was NOWHERE in this arrangement...nowhere. But back then I believed UP AND DOWN that God spoke to me regarding this man and that he indeed was my husband! Yup...that's the story I told. I told it so many times I actually believed it! Sometimes we can want things so badly that we convince ourselves that God gave us His blessing to enter into a mess. We honestly think sometimes that God loves us enough to condone us hookin up with a CORPSE, tying a bow on it, and calling that dead thing a relationship. That's not the way it works, and this was what I had to learn. I'm not referring to my ex as a corpse, rather the relationship was the corpse. I had to understand that anyone or anything that I connected myself to that was taking life away from me was dead. I had friendships that were corpses and jobs that were corpses too...draining the life right out of me yet there I was trying to hold on to a situation that was making me look more and more like a zombie! 

I think about the first reason above for kids attending summer school: A non-graduating senior. Now in this case a senior can in fact walk across the stage with the graduating class BUT they will not receive a diploma until they pass the course they failed. This makes me think of appearances. Sometimes we as women stay in relationships just for the sake of appearances. I'm guilty of this to a degree. In my previous relationship about a year in a half in I knew that I was unhappy and thought about ending things BUT then I thought, "What would that look like??" I've brought this man around my family, he's joined my church, shook hands with my pastor, we have all of these pictures on Facebook and Instagram....I guess I can hang in there and make it work." I mean don't get me wrong a part of me did want to try to make it work BUT appearances factored into my decision too. So here I am walking across the stage of life smiling and laughing KNOWING that I've come up short on my happiness credits...KNOWING that I failed the course of listening to God when He told me to end things...I'm making all of these public appearances KNOWING that I will never graduate as long as I stayed in that relationship. Are YOU more concerned about what other people will think if you make a good move for yourself?? If you are, I'm telling you to STOP because at the end of the day YOU will have to deal with the consequences of your choices NOT other people!

I think about the second reason: Being held back. I made up in my mind that I didn't want to hold myself back from my future husband or any other future opportunity for happiness because I'm not listening to God. I talked with God and admitted that I was trying to do His job by helping him help me, and in the end all I did was get in God's way of helping me! Just think about the circles you've gone in with certain people. Same ol scenario just a different face or a different place. Remember that feeling of disgust and annoyance you felt because here you are AGAIN dealing with the SAME stuff that you tried to get away from! My ex was unfaithful in our relationship, but the thing about that was my last two boyfriends were unfaithful too! So there I was AGAIN...same thing. When you notice a negative pattern that involves you, you have to ask yourself, "What am I doing wrong here???" I believe that even in our mistakes God tries to reach and teach us to ultimately free us from these negative cycles we find ourselves in. God warned me that I could not reach the next level going around in circles. I had to admit that it wasn't God, it wasn't these men, but it was ME. I was holding myself back.

This post is to encourage you...yes YOU! If you're in a relationship or situation that is dead, negative, repetitive, or stationary you need to WALK AWAY NOW (heck run if you have to)! God wants you to graduate into all of the blessings and promises that He has waiting for you, but you can't if you're stuck in summer school. I've been in school almost my entire life and the reason why I'm working so hard now is because I'm READY to graduate and get this last degree! I want to have that same attitude spiritually. I'm tired of learning these lessons over and over. I want to learn what I need to learn, move on to the next assignment, complete my work, and GRADUATE! Who knows, your graduation stage may be walking into your brand new office, it might be signing off on a new house, it might might walking down an isle, or starting a ministry of your own; everyone's area of graduation is different. We can do this y'all! Let me be the first to say...CONGRATULATIONS GRADUATE!!!

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear"

~Buddhist Proverb

Graduation photos (High School, Bachelors, Masters, and in a few short years PhD!)

Chasing vs Pursuit

Many women and men think that chasing and pursuing are synonymous and they most definitely are NOT. I really want you to understand the difference between the two so that you're not wasting your time going round and round with someone. The differentiation between these two words begins from just reading their definitions:

• Chase - To follow rapidly, to hunt, to seek out, to follow with persistency 
• Pursue - To follow in order to overtake; to employ measures in order to obtain

Now if you're not paying attention, you might think that both words mean the same thing: to follow. Both action words do in fact mean to follow, but to understand the difference you must see the INTENT of the action. Ladies when a man chases you, he has no real purpose for YOUR benefit. Now I want to be clear, a man can have a purpose that involves you but that doesn't mean that it will benefit you. For example, remember the man "R" that I wrote about in a previous post? Well R chased me for 10 years...yes you read right 10 YEARS! Now we weren't in consistent contact for those 10 years but we interacted off and on throughout that time. This highlights another very important point about chasing; as long as a man is interested in what he's after...he will continue to chase until he's no longer interested (no matter how long it seems to take). Now in my case with R, he wanted sex and I always declined his advances. Every time we talked he never hesitated to ask, imply, insinuate, allude, mention, proposition, and suggest that we have sex. Now like I mentioned in my post about chemistry, R and I had intense chemistry and my flesh tried to make me think that having sex with R would be a good thing, but my spirit kept me in check. You see R always revealed his intent with his request and it would always snap me right out of giving in to what my flesh wanted. R's intention for chasing me was "to see how sex would feel like with me" even though he was already actively having sex with other women. I was a challenge. R wanted to be the man to get me to break my promise to God about refraining from sex until I met my husband. R knew that I was celibate but he didn't care. He didn't care about how my promise BENEFITED ME, about how my promise to God was IMPORTANT to me, all he cared about was how my body could benefit HIM. Don't feel flattered because a man is persistantly chasing you because the reality is ANY kind of man can chase ANY kind of woman. Heck, a man can chase a pair of gym shoes or a new basketball video game if he's really interested ok! Pursuit on the other hand is very different.

When a man pursues a woman, his intent goes beyond just following after her. A man who pursues is a truly a man with a plan! This man has PREMEDITATED a specific PLAN for you and he understands based off of his PERCEPTION of you that you are a divine PART of his PURPOSE! Whew! YES! As stated in the definition pursuit is, "Employing measures in order to obtain". Understand that a man can chase after several women. Chasing doesn't require a man to know anything in depth about a woman...majority of the time it comes down to a man wanting sex. However sex is not the focus of pursuit. With a Godly man, sex is the reward of the pursuit. A man only pursues ONE woman...ONE! He's not playing any games and is serious about what he wants. Like I said, when a man pursues it's in order to obtain. Obtain what?:

"He  who finds a wife finds a good thing, 

And obtains favor from the Lord." 

Proverbs 18:22

So, a man of God who pursues you is pursuing you with a purpose. The purpose is to see if you are the woman God created to be his wife! I mean what person doesn't want favor?! This doesn't mean that you skip on the dating stage BUT it does mean that when you are dating every moment will have meaning because there is a goal in mind. I read a quote the other day that said: If he keeps asking, "When are we going to chill?" delete his number! He can't even plan a date. How is he going to plan y'all future??" I laughed at this but it's so true! If a man can't even take the time to plan an eventful outing to show you that he is really trying to get to know you and make a good impression, than it means that he doesn't have a purpose in interacting with you and ladies IF THERE IS NO PURPOSE THERE IS NO POINT in talking to this guy. 

As I stated earlier, any man that chases you can have a purpose that INVOLVES you, but a man who pursues you has the specific purpose of INVESTING in you because he knows that such a wise investment will benefit the BOTH of you. 

Don't Get Caught Up In Chemistry

     Chemistry was one of the hardest subjects I took in both high school and college. It just didn't make sense to me. It was SO complicated. Ironically enough, that subject is just as complicated outside of the classroom as it is inside of the classroom. Chemistry is defined as: The investigation of a matter's properties and the ways in which these properties interact with each other. It is also defined as the complex emotional and psychological interaction between two people. Both definitions mention an interaction so difficult to understand it must be thought about in depth. In this post I will attempt to break down the concept of romantic chemistry so that you're aware of how one can get caught up. The more you know, the more you're prepared and preparation is powerful, especially when you are a single lady in today's society.

Chemistry is not specific
I've felt romantic chemistry with men throughout my life. Notice I did not say man, as in one man but men, as in more than one. Chemistry is not specific to a particular person rather any person that makes you feel good. Things such as support, availability, attention, acknowledgment, and laughter can stir up your emotions in a way that make you feel that you really "click" with someone and that this someone really "gets you" (I'll go in depth about clicking later).

Chemistry is felt not seen
It's been my experience that when I've had chemistry with a man it wasn't always because I first found him physically attractive. There was a man (I'll call him R) who I met through a mutual friend some years ago. I didn't find R attractive AT ALL, however there was something different about him. R was very witty and he showed me consistent attention and I liked that. Over time I began to consider dating R but God always turned me away from him. I didn't know why it always happened that way but I believe that it was God. At this point I realized that I was attracted to R because of how he made me FEEL and this feeling was independent of my thoughts of his physical attractiveness. Chemistry is an EMOTIONAL interaction. Emotions are internal so physical attractiveness even though important to most people, is not a factor that creates chemistry. Physical attraction may not INITIATE chemistry but it can INFLUENCE it once it has been established.

Chemistry is intense
Chemistry isn't something to be taken lightly because it can be quite aggressive. In my experience of romantic chemistry it sometimes seemed like it "crept up on me". Sometimes I would be confused on how the feelings I developed for a person happened so fast! These feelings were STRONG too! There was a man (I'll call him L) who I met while in college. L and I had a few things in common, he complimented me constantly, and he always knew how to make me laugh. I swear we had some of the silliest conversations. Soon after we had met, L moved three hours away to attend a different college. We continued to communicate via phone regularly. L and I attended the same class for only a couple of weeks before he left in the middle of the semester. Even though I had not seen him since then I felt really close to him at that time. I thought of him sometimes and missed our conversations. Eventually the communication between L and I had stopped and I felt sad at the thought of not being able to talk to another man the way I talked with L. Chemistry can sometimes make you think that you will never find another person that will make you feel the way you're feeling. Chemistry can confuse you about reality and this is why it's important for you to understand how powerful chemistry can be.

Click vs. Connection
When we say that we "click" with someone, chemistry can make us think that we have a special and unique connection with a person. I've learned that this isn't always reality. Clicking with someone and having a connection with someone, in my opinion, are different. I've clicked with more than one man, but in my heart I'm waiting on ONE special connection with ONE special man. I draw the parallel of dating versus marriage. As a single woman, if I click with a man, I want to go on dates with him to find out more about him. I can date multiple men at once (just to be clear when I say date I don't mean sleep with). Through the stage of dating I hope to CONNECT with ONE man that I have clicked with. You see ladies, CLICKING with a man can possibly lead to a CONNECTION and that can possibly lead to a COURTSHIP and that can lead you to a COURTHOUSE and the next thing you know you're standing before God making a COMMITMENT to be in divine COVENANT with your husband! I believe that clicking can come before a connection with someone but I don't believe that they're synonymous.

     Like I said earlier, chemistry is not an easy subject to try to explain therefore I speak what I know from my own personal experiences. I also take into account what I observe in my social life with my friends as well as my professional life with the clients that I see. Chemistry is not a bad thing! It's just you have to be careful. When you find yourself catching feelings for someone or interacting with them in a way that seems premature, remember YOU HAVE THE POWER TO SLOW THINGS DOWN! Ask yourself, "Ok, what's going on with me right now? Do I really like this guy or is it something else?" Sometimes we find ourselves clicking with people because of unresolved personal issues within ourselves. Are you starving for attention? Are you stressed? Are you trying to avoid dealing with something personal like a break up? Do you feel misunderstood? Do you have low self-esteem? These are very important questions to ask yourselves ladies because the answers can really shed some light on personal areas that you need to work on before developing a connection with a man.

 

One Night with the King

     This week while in bible study I learned about a movie titled, "One Night with the King". This movie is based on the story Esther and the process that she went through in fulfilling her destiny of being Queen of Persia. I encourage you to watch this film; it definitely enlightened and inspired me and this post. Esther was a Jewish orphan whose real name was Hadassah. She was advised by her cousin (Mordecai) to change her name in order to protect her life (Jews were not liked amongst the people of Persia due to a longstanding history of war...I don't know the exact details). Anyway, when the King was in search of a new wife there was a kingdom wide decree for all of the young virgins of the land to be gathered and brought before the King. Whichever woman was found pleasing to the King would become the new Queen! Now what is really key about this account are three things: 1) The process of beautification; 2) Being humble; and 3) Listening.
     According to the bible (Esther chapter 2), the women who made the final cut (so to speak) to be brought before the King out of all of the women in the land were given very special accommodations. In verse 9 the word states that Esther specifically, found favor as soon as she stepped foot into the kingdom! She pleased the man who was in charge of the candidates for Queen and because she obtained favor with him she was readily given beauty treatments, allowance, and seven chosen maidservants AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT she AND HER SERVANTS were moved to the BEST place in the house where the women were kept!! Each candidate had to complete ONE YEAR of preparation, which mainly involved beauty treatments. Think of having the ultimate spa day EVERYDAY for one year! Being soaked in oils and perfumes, being nicely dressed in the finest silks and fabrics, staying in the King's palace, having their hair done, nails done, having access to gold and jewels, the whole 10 yards ok?! So here we are at the main part of my post. 
     I want all of the ladies reading this to understand that you must go through a process of beautification before meeting YOUR king. Beautify in this context was done on the outside but I believe that God wants to begin our beautification process starting from the inside. So many of us are like Esther. We came from places that were broken and God has brought us to a level where we have found great favor with people of power! Sometimes our pasts creep up on us and make us fear and doubt the high place where God has positioned us. This doubt and fear can make us feel unworthy at times and that's when we begin to self-sabotage our blessings. I'm here to remind you that YOU ARE WORTHY! IN THE EYES OF THE KING OF KINGS, YOU ARE INDEED WORTHY! The word says in Isaiah 61:3 that, "...to all who mourn, the Lord with give a crown of beauty for ashes..." Don't worry about your ashes. Ashes are the remains of something that has been burned or destroyed. Let that bad break-up, that mistake, let that divorce, let that man who lied to you, cheated on you, physically/emotionally/verbally abused you, the man that abandoned you, the man that raped/molested you....LET IT ALL BURN! Let those experiences be COMPLETELY CONSUMED in the fire. Do you know what makes that fire burn?? Forgiveness. In order to beautify what's within you must forgive the ones who hurt you. That is what makes you beautiful from the inside; not being stopped by someone the devil used to stop you. Esther and the other candidates went through a particular process for one year before being called before the King. What is YOUR process?? I know for me, my process is celibacy and focusing on God and His assignments for me. I am not a virgin, however I learned over time that having sex outside of the will of God was going to eventually kill me. In many ways it already had. Sex killed my spirit, killed the love I had in my heart, killed my self-worth, killed my self-respect, killed my hope, and killed my desire to live. Instead of committing suicide, I decided to make a different commitment. In August 2008 I committed my life and my body to Jesus and to decided to LIVE for Him. I promised God that I would keep myself pure until I met my husband and I am still living that promise today...9 years in counting. My process called for God to break the chains of past relationships, mindsets, and generational curses. My process put me on the path of my purpose and I have faith that the works that I will do within my purpose will lead me to my promise! 
     Esther humbled herself throughout this process of being brought before the King. Esther did not depend on her looks to get her favor with the King. She depended on God! Esther's beauty is what initially caught the King's eye BUT it was the contents of her spirit that caught his heart. Today women put so much on outward appearances. Please don't misunderstand...makeup, nice clothes, and a nice hair style are all wonderful things women can and should have. We are beautiful beings because that is how God created us and anything that can complement that should be appreciated BUT when a woman puts her identity and her value in her looks she becomes arrogant, vain, and fraudulent. In Proverbs 31:30, the word states that, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." Instagram, Facebook, the internet, magazines, Hollywood, music videos, and movies place so much emphasis on the outward appearance of a woman that it stops us from exploring the inside of a woman. The world shows us that you can be rewarded and elevated just on looks alone! Not your intelligence, not your character, not your purpose, and not your works...YOUR LOOKS are what make or break you in society today. Money, fame, attention, awards, can all be yours if you can make it on the world's list of, "The 100 Most Beautiful People" and if you don't make that list, then try to imitate those who did make it. If you can look like them than maybe you can get the same benefits they do and all the while you're losing yourself trying to keep up appearances for the approval of someone else. Esther kept a low profile and because of this she was always spotlighted; not by her own doing but by God. The King was looking for more than just a pretty face and so will your King be looking for the same. He will not be drawn to you because of what your Instagram looks like. I believe that YOUR God given mate will prefer that you don't cover your natural beauty with artificial beauty (but he also won't mind if you do because he will know that you as a woman like makeup and things like that). He will not hesitate to tell you how beautiful you are. We as women must be humble in our presentation because we never know who is observing our behavior and not just our beauty.
     Lastly Esther was a good listener. All throughout this process of Esther becoming Queen she humbled herself not only in the presence of the King but also with her cousin. Mordecai cared for Esther after her parents died. The bible says that Mordecai cared for Esther as if she was his own daughter. Mordecai was a palace official and he guided Esther on what steps to take so that she would be chosen as Queen. Mordecai first advised Esther to first change her name and gave her strict instructions to tell no one about her heritage. Now, Esther could have given her cousin major lip service. "Change my name?! No way! I don't like Esther!" "You can't tell me what to do! You're not my father!" Esther did no such thing. She trusted Mordecai and listened to his recommendations for her life. It came to a point where Mordecai had learned of a conspiracy to kill the Jews and he instructed Esther to go before the King and plead before him that her people be spared. Esther was hesitant to go before the King unannounced because it was the law that doing so would result in her death! Mordecai warned Esther that if she remained quiet about this matter and did not speak up for her people that the Jews would be delivered anyway but she would perish due to her disobedience. Mordecai reminded Esther that her position in the Kingdom was for the purpose of saving a nation! Esther listened to her cousin's warning and went before the King knowing that she could be killed. Her act of courage and obedience resulted in Esther and her people being protected from harm! My question to you is who are you NOT listening to? When God speaks to you about staying away from a particular man that you're interested in, do you ignore Him? When God tells you to wait for your husband do you act like you don't hear Him? It has been so important for me to always listen to God when He speaks to me and it has caused me to be protected from men and situations that could have done great harm to me and my purpose! Matthew 11:15 states, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear." Listening to God will keep you out of trouble and will cause you to be elevated!
     I hope that every woman who reads this post is inspired and uplifted. I encourage you to begin your process of beautification. You will share one very special night with the earthly king that God has made for you. Take this time in your singleness to be beautified by our heavenly King, be humble in His presence, and listen to Him when He speaks to you about your life and who is supposed to be in it and who is NOT supposed to be in it.

I Am "That" Girl

     So, who am I? I'm that girl. Yeah "that" girl. What does that mean? Well, back in the day if you were deemed "that" girl it wasn't anything good. People would pick what they considered bad parts about me and highlight them for the world to see, laugh at, and talk about. Sometimes these parts were true and other times these parts were made up. Being "that" girl made me feel like there was really something wrong with me early on in my development. I spent several years not trying to be her, denying all along that she...was me.
     After spending a large portion of my life trying to be someone else I realized that I had NO IDEA who I was! After giving my life to Jesus Christ back in 2008 the journey began to get reacquainted with the version of myself that Jesus always saw. This journey has not been easy AT ALL but it has taught me in ways that I will never forget. My journey has revealed to me who I truly am and when I look in the mirror now, I no longer deny her rather I embrace her. I love being "that" girl who God has allowed to triumph over adversity and obstacles. In Colossians 3:1-4, the essence of identity is explained in a simple way. Who you are is hidden in Christ. I learned that in order to find my identity I must do my work to build a strong and deep relationship with Christ. When I sought God through my prayers, through my worship, through my tears, through my laughter, through my heart, through my tithing, and through my time with Him...I found Him! And when I found Him, I found me!
     I am Juanita Tookes. I am a daughter, granddaughter, sister, cousin, niece, and friend. I am a counselor, researcher, educator, scholar, and student. I am beautiful, loving, and intelligent. I know my purpose and I walk in it every single day. I have a bright and blessed destiny ahead of me. Make no mistake...I AM THAT GIRL.

"Something will grow from all you are going through, and it will be you." ~Unknown