The Power of Rest

I took this photo while in New Orleans for my birthday earlier this year. 

A wonderful time of rest, relaxation, and rejuvenation!

So I just completed another semester of doc studies. I'm exhausted mentally, spiritually, and physically. This semester challenged me is several creative ways. I was blessed with the opportunity to be a co-teacher, this is when a student assists in teaching a course with a professor. I initially thought that all I would be doing is passing out papers and doing a little grading, but it was so much more than that! As a co-teacher or teaching assistant, I had several responsibilities. I had to take attendance, collect and grade papers, facilitate class discussions, create and engage in class activities, complete weekly student observations, meet with the professor on a weekly basis outside of class to prep, and participate in midterm and final student evaluations. Whew!

Now while being a TA, I was also a RA (research assistant). Similar to teaching, a RA is a student who assists a professor with their research. So, I had to make time in my schedule to complete data entry and transfer, make copies of different assessments and deliver them to different departments, create spreadsheets, attend weekly meetings with the professors involved, and administer the assessments to students all over campus. 

I also mentored this semester. This was truly an enriching experience. I had to make sure that on top of everything else, I made time to meet weekly with my mentee.

So along with being a TA, RA, and mentor, don't forget...lol...I'm  also a full time student which meant that on top of all the things I described above I also had my student responsibilities. I had projects to create, papers to type, and presentations to well..present lol. I had chapters to read, articles to summarize, and classes to attend. Last but not least, I also work part time and have to fulfill my obligations as an employee. As you can see...ya girl has a lot going on! Now I'm on break until after the holidays and I'm SO EXCITED about catching up on some much needed rest and self care!

The reason why I'm describing in great detail all that I did this semester is because last year at this exact time, my attitude was much different. In early December 2016, I completed my very first semester of the PhD program at Oakland University. After classes had concluded, I basically had the rest of the month off until classes reconvened after the New Year's holiday. Now at this point, I had been living with my parents for a little over a month. I gave up my apartment because I made the choice to quit my full time job in order to go to school full time (SIDE NOTE: YOUR PURPOSE WILL REQUIRE YOU TO MAKE SOME SERIOUS SACRIFICES). So, up until this first semester, I had always worked. I worked different part time jobs throughout undergrad, and after I graduated with my bachelors degree I began working full time. I worked full time throughout graduate school and was blessed to attain my masters degree. Since the age of 15, I always had a job and I was proud of that. Now I used the word proud intentionally because I wasn't just happy about being employed, I took PRIDE in knowing that for 16 years I had always held down a job and supported myself. It wasn't until I was faced with the decision to give up my job for my purpose that I began to feel restless. It wasn't until I had to depend on my parents for help that I began to feel restless (since I was a teen I never really depended on my parents for anything because the relationships with both my mother and father was rocky). It wasn't until I was placed in an academic environment that challenged me in unimaginable ways that I began to feel......restless.

I had no idea how much of my identity was connected to me being an employee. The Bible says this:

"For where your treasure is, there your heart

will be also."

~Matthew 6:8 (NKJV)

Once my treasure was removed, I realized where my heart really was. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a heart for what you do BUT I had more than just a passion and deep satisfaction for what I was doing. I remember when I first quit my job, all I could tell people was, "I've always worked! For the last 16 years, I've always had a steady paycheck!" You see, this is what PRIDE sounds like. The basic definition of pride is a deep satisfaction or pleasure in one's own accomplishments. Biblically, pride goes deeper than that. Pride in the biblical sense means that there is no reverence or reference to God for what HE has allowed one to accomplish. In this context we attribute our success to what WE have done:

"...for in Him we live and move and have our being..."

~Acts 17:28 (NKJV)

Without God I wouldn't have had a steady paycheck for the last 16 years!! I had no idea how much I treasured and depended on having a job and not really thinking about how God is my provider NOT the job. This experience caused me to have a serious spiritual reality check! 

"For all that is in the world--the lust of the flesh,

the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life--is not of

the Father but is of the world."

~I John 2:16 (NKJV)

Once God brought this to my attention, I began to question my identity. Without my job, I had a hard time figuring out who I was. During the month of December (2016), I struggled with rest. I had never been off work like this before. I could sleep in, wake up and not have anything to do, and had each day completely open to do whatever I wanted. I should have embraced this time, but I didn't, instead I felt  a large amount of guilt because I felt restless...I felt like I should've been doing something. I remember feeling very unproductive. This whole waking up everyday with nothing to do was foreign to me. 

When I returned to school that following January of 2017, I continued to struggle internally. When I completed the semester that April I was severely BURNED OUT! I worked hard throughout the first and second semesters and didn't take advantage of the rest period I had in between. As a result of me not taking advantage of getting rest, I created, worked, and gave out of a place of fatigue and emptiness. The second semester was even rougher than the first because I was counseling clients and had to scrape every piece of being within me just to be present in session with them. Now don't get me wrong, I did some hard work with my clients but it cost me BIG TIME. It cost me psychologically, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

As a second year PhD student my identity has been revived and redefined. I know that God is my source for everything that I need and He has provided so much for me! Because I reverence Him in all that I do, I don't have to pay one thin dime for my PhD because He made a way and blessed me with a fellowship that gives me a full ride! My bills have always been paid even with a decrease in my income! God blessed me with a super easy part time job! The list goes on! Without God NONE of these things would be happening for me right now!

God has provided which means I CAN REST! I don't have to feel like I need to do it all because God has done it all for me! I can rest in Him! I can rest assured! I can rest and know that I am taken care of! When we do all the work...we leave no room for God to work and as a result we use up all of our energy.

This December, since my classes ended about two weeks ago I have taken FULL ADVANTAGE of this rest period! I sleep A LOT.  I've spent so many nights in the library studying, up in the middle of the night at home trying to type papers, back and forth to work, and then back to campus for night classes. I scheduled time for everything else EXCEPT time to rest. Getting sleep is so important for overall health and I'm feeling the benefits already just by catching up on the sleep I deprived myself from for the past few months. Going forward into next year and next semester I already know that I will be busy. My professors have already sent me emails about their classes and I'm making a mental weekly calendar with all of the things I will have to do everyday. I thank God that I'm a hard and diligent worker with a solid work ethic but I will be integrating more sleep as a part of that ethic. I'm ready for the new season because I'm making a conscious effort to take care of my mind, body, and spirit in this season. This experience has taught me a valuable lesson:

If I'm not good to myself, I will be no good to anyone else (and I have way too many people to help to be of no good!)

I hope this post reaches and helps someone. I share my personal experiences because I believe that transparency creates unity. Stay encouraged on your journey!

Please click the link below to watch a sermon preached by Pastor Touré Roberts titled "The Power of Rest" this message inspired me to write this post (hence the title) :^)

Pastor Touré Roberts - The Power of Rest

Don't Panic

What do you think of this photo? How do you think I'm feeling?? I remember this beautiful, nice, and sunny day so vividly. By the expression I have on my face you may assume that I'm feeling pretty happy right? Well I can understand your assumption, but unfortunately it's wrong. This is the day that I had my second panic attack (I'll explain the first a little later in this post).

On this day I went to a wedding. Everything was going fine until I entered the church. I arrived early and got a really great seat to view the ceremony. That's when it hit me. As I sat, I began to feel a sharp pain in my stomach. The ceremony wasn't scheduled to being for another hour and the pain was getting worse. I crossed my legs (placing one knee over the other) to try to focus on my pretty shoes that I had bought for the dress that I wore that day. My body posture was very restrictive. I wrapped my arms around my crossed legs and tried to look comfortable. In hindsight, I now understand that I was trying to stop my body from shaking. The stomach pain was excruciating at this point.

The lights began to dim in the sanctuary and I immediately looked around for the nearest exits. I began to think that I wouldn't be able to sit through the ceremony. As the ceremony went on, I began to buckle over in pain. I realized that I had buckled so far over that my head was almost resting on my knee. I heard the ceremony going on and I knew that I needed to sit up but for the life of me I just couldn't do it. Immediately  I began to regret sitting so far up front. I wish I had just sat in the back like I started to do. I then heard God's voice:

"I know this hurts but I need you to sit up. You can do it.

I need you to see this."

In that moment I knew exactly what God was talking about. I have avoided going to weddings for quite some time. A part of me just didn't want to see something that I felt would not happen for me. Being completely transparent, weddings made me sad because they reminded me of how far away I was from that point. Whenever someone invited me to a wedding, I would always come up with an excuse not to go. I definitely wanted to come and support but a part of me was afraid to go. I never understood this fear and to be honest I never explored why I had it, I just took that fear as a sign that I didn't need to attend. For this wedding in particular I felt different. God was actually encouraging me to attend. He hadn't done that with the others. I remember the night before, I had convinced myself that I was NOT attending. My mom talked to me and encouraged me to go out and find a nice dress to wear. It was already 7pm and the store that I wanted to go to closed at 8pm. I went already assuming that I wouldn't have time to find anything so that would mean that I wouldn't be able to go (which was ok with me because I didn't want to go anyway). I went to the store and the first dress I picked up and tried on was PERFECT. I gave God the side-eye like, "Really?? So it's just gonna fit all flawlessly and look all gorgeous AND be on sale?!" The next day I found the PERFECT shoes which were also on sale (I gave God another side-eye). I kind of felt like Cinderella because there was this "ball" that I didn't feel worthy enough to attend but God dressed me like a princess and encouraged me to go and have nice time.

So after God spoke to me, I was able to sit up but I still felt the pain. The ceremony was the most beautiful that I had ever seen! Next thing I know, I began to tear up. I held in my tears and all of the emotions that those tears was connected to. I held them in because I wasn't sure why I wanted to cry. Was I overcome with emotion because the wedding was so beautiful or was it that I was being reminded yet again that I was nowhere close to having my own wedding?? Was I being TOUCHED by the ceremony or was I being TEASED by it? I wasn't sure, so I decided not to shed one tear because if I did I at least wanted to know why I was crying. After a few minutes of holding in all of this emotion, I looked around to see where the exits were. My stomach felt like a towel that was being wrung out, I was about to burst into tears, I was overwhelmed with emotions that I refused to let out, and then I began to feel dizzy. "Oh great." I thought...on top of everything else now I'm feeling dizzy?! The exit seemed so far away and to get to it I would have to get up and cross over people and I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. Luckily enough for me as soon as I realized that an early exit wouldn't be possible, the ceremony had concluded. "Thank God!" I thought. Now I could finally escape to my car and cry in private. 

On my way out of the sanctuary, I saw a man that I knew. We both knew the bride and groom so I wasn't surprised to see him. As I continued to walk, I felt my knees shaking and my steps becoming a little unstable. Feeling lightheaded and wearing new heels is a horrible combination! I felt like I was about to pass out. I couldn't believe all of this. "See God, THIS is why I didn't want to come! Now I see why I was afraid!!" I screamed to God in my mind. As I walked out with the man, I was just about to ask him to walk me to my car because I honestly didn't think I would make it. Every step I took was a risk in itself! Right when I was about to ask him, he turned around and asked me, "Did you talk to the bride and groom yet? We should go say hi." I really just wanted to go but I didn't want to look weird so I went along. It took every piece of strength I had to go through this part. I felt my heart beating super fast. Just trying to get through the crowd of people made me anxious. I managed to say hello and congratulate the happy couple and then I darted off the scene. My legs felt like they were about to collapse and I began to pick up the pace as I briskly walked/wobbled to my car. It was like I was in a race against myself. As soon as I made it inside and closed the door I took off my heels and burst into uncontrollable tears. While I cried, I grabbed my chest because it felt like I couldn't breathe. I was trying to grab air in between tears. I realized in that moment that the tears, the abdominal pain, the shaking, the tenseness in my body, my rapid heart rate, the weakness in my legs, and the dizziness were all symptoms anxiety. I knew this because as a clinician I have given this diagnosis to OTHER PEOPLE. Never would I have thought that I would be experiencing symptoms of anxiety! I mean, I've been nervous before but NEVER have I experienced anything like this!

I cried all the way home. As I walked into my house all I could focus on was getting to my bed. I went straight to my room and didn't speak to my mom. I didn't want her asking me about the wedding and how it went. I didn't want her seeing the rivers of tears on my face that streaked my makeup. I just didn't feel like talking to anyone. I took of my pretty clothes and went to bed. As I slept, I began to feel extremely cold. I woke up to put on an extra pair of jogging pants, a sweater, and even a scarf. Yup, I had the chills. As I continued to sleep, my muscles began to ache....badly. The next day that stomach pain turned into feelings of nauseousness. I also developed a serious migraine headache. I was in this condition for three days. I thought I had the flu but it wasn't that. After accepting that I was having issues with anxiety, I realized that my account was more than just anxiety issues. Due to my newer symptoms of chills and nausea coupled with the dizziness, abdominal pain, headaches, and all the other things I was going through I looked up the symptoms for a panic attack. I was experiencing nearly all of the listed criteria. Everything made sense then, I had a panic attack at the wedding and now I was suffering the aftermath of that experience. I was stunned because I never thought that I would experience anything like this...not me. I realized too that this was not my first panic attack. This attack was by far the most severe but not the first. In taking time to reflect, I remembered that the last wedding I attended (and was a part of) I had similar symptoms. It was about two years prior and I felt the same abdominal cramping/pain, I felt weak in my body, and I was looking for exits in the case that I needed to leave early. Unlike this most recent wedding, in the wedding that I was a part of, I sat right by the back door. The abdominal pain had gotten so bad I couldn't stand. I left the wedding early...right through the back door. This experience did not lead to the other symptoms I described above; the very next day I was back to normal.

Not only am I a counselor, but I am also a Christian, so I believe that my experience with anxiety and panic was definitely an attack but not just in the clinical sense. I believe that the devil was spiritually attacking me with these negative things. The devil wasn't attacking me per se, rather he was attacking my trust in God and the hope and faith that I have in Him to unite me with my future husband. He wanted me to tap out, give up, and throw my hands in the air in defeat. Spiritually I could feel his foot on my back as I lay on the ground. I could hear him laughing as I lay there in pain but then I remembered what God had told me at the wedding. He was there with me then and He was STILL with me...even in this attack:

"Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, 

Yes I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

~Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV)

God explained to me that He needed me to see the wedding because what I thought was the CEILING, as far as weddings go, was actually the FLOOR in comparison to what God has planned for me! In other words, God was saying, "You thought that was somethin?! Well you haven't seen nothin yet!! Just wait until it's your turn!" God just wanted me to remember His promises. That wedding was a reminder that my time IS coming. That jumpstarted my hope and revived my faith! This takes NOTHING away from that lovely wedding that I saw, but I understand now that God has plans for me that cannot be compared with anyone else's! 

This experience, made me self aware. I know that weddings are triggers for me, and this specific trigger can cause anxiety BUT now that I know this I can prepare myself. I know that there are several techniques to help lessen anxiety like deep breathing for example, but along with that I want to make sure that I remind myself that GOD IS ALWAYS WITH ME AND THAT I DON'T NEED TO BE AFRAID OF ANYTHING! And understand this, avoidance is not a healthy way of coping with anything that you're afraid of. I will no longer be avoiding weddings. The next one that I attend, I will take a few deep breaths and recite this scripture aloud to myself:

"Wait on the Lord;

Be of good courage,

And He shall strengthen your heart;

Wait, I say, on the Lord!"

~Psalm 27:14 (NKJV)

I hope this post reaches and helps someone. I share my personal experiences because I believe that transparency creates unity. Stay encouraged on your journey.

Please click on the links below if you would like to read more about the clinical symptoms, treatment, and prevention of anxiety and panic attacks:

Anxiety

Panic Attacks & Panic Disorder

Mental Health and the Black Church

In this post I will be using the terms African-Americans, black people, and people of color interchangeably

"I know we don't normally preach this in holiness but some of you need to talk to a professional about what's bothering you." That's what I heard the minister say as I sat in church a few weeks ago. During another church service after that I watched as the preacher acknowledged all of the medical doctors in the sanctuary and appreciated them for their service. In the middle of the sermon he stated, "You don't need a psychologist or psychiatrist! What you need is Jesus!!" These messages bothered me. I found myself not being able to connect to the atmosphere in that moment which also bothered me because I'm a spiritual and religious individual. I love going to church to worship and praise God for all of the magnificent things that He has done in my life, but I find that negative messages about mental health and mental health services are the norm in the black community, especially in some (I repeat SOME) black churches. These recent messages that I heard in the last few weeks caused me to reflect on how many times I've heard black pastors preach against mental health services, mental disorders, and mental health professionals.

I grew up in the church. My grandfather pastored his own church for many years. My mother is a powerful woman of God and a missionary who instilled spiritual values in me and my brother from a very young age. I've been a member of five different churches throughout my lifetime. Business, engineering, nursing, medicine, education, social work, language, journalism, and theology are just some of the areas of study that I've observed being talked about in a positive way within the black church. When I began to reflect, I realized that I've heard the same message about mental health over and over again in church; messages that discourage African-Americans from seeking professional help. Only when I began working in mental health did I become both sensitive and disappointed by these messages.

In my own personal experience, I have dealt with some very serious issues in my life. Issues having to do with abuse, family problems, sex, relationships, and self-esteem. Two of the biggest issues I've dealt with in my life were depression and suicide. I've wrestled back and forth with depression for many years and still experience bouts of it from time to time. One thing that I really treasure about my spirituality is that my beliefs helped me to battle with depression and suicide AND WIN! My belief in God and being active in attending church helped me to find deeper value and meaning in my life and prevented me from doing harm to myself. The crucial point that I want to make sure to highlight here is it wasn't spirituality and religiosity alone that helped me win these battles.

I first decided to seek out a therapist in the summer of 2015, I was 30 years old. In my post titled "Life or Death" I talk about the bad spiritual and mental state that I was in:

"From a child up until age 30, I had seen and suffered so much hurt that the blow

of this breakup caused my spirit to snap! I couldn't take another person lying

to me, abusing me, not caring about me, and not loving me. No one seemed

to care about how their actions affected me! I felt so alone!"

So what do you do when your spirit...the very thing that your beliefs are encased in seems to "snap?" At that time, being in a crowd of people listening to the preacher wasn't helping me. I was getting all dressed up for church, covering up my depression with MAC makeup (ha how ironic..concealing with concealer). On the outside, I looked like I was doing fine but on the inside I was considering taking my life! I remember one day going to church, sitting there for a while and just leaving because there was so much going on inside of me. What do you do when the most powerful altar call doesn't help, when private prayer doesn't seem to be helping, when meeting with the pastor one on one isn't helping....what do you do?? Inside I felt very conflicted because I've grown up listening to messages that I didn't need to pay a therapist money just to talk, but I knew that if I didn't get help fast my mental and spiritual condition was only going to get worse!  I myself, A COUNSELOR, who had gone through extensive study, research, education, training, and practice in human behavior, cognition, and mental health refused to believe that I needed and wanted professional help. It was easy for me to encourage my clients and commend them for making the first step yet I couldn't do it myself. In my mind, I was the professional who gave help...it wasn't for me to seek or receive. What a damaging way of thinking. But here's the question again, "What do you do?" ...when your degrees can't even help you?

"What do you do?" is an even harder question to ask when you have experienced "church hurt." Often the church is the place where many people of color go to find safety, peace, support, encouragement, strength and help for their issues but when the people in the church hurt you...it feels like you truly have NOWHERE to turn especially if you have been discouraged by the church to seek professional help.


The goal of this post is NOT to speak negatively about or criticize the black church rather to help educate the black community which includes the church about the benefits of being aware of the status of your mental health and receiving the appropriate services if necessary. 

So what are some reasons why African-Americans don't seek professional help even if they desire help?

1. Historical Context 

During slavery black people had to put on a strong face while enduring inhumane treatment. Black women specifically were raped and beaten and ANY emotional or physical expression of opposition could result in them being killed or their family being raped or sold. This is where the persona of the Strong Black Woman was originated. Essentially, back in this time, suffering silently was the only way for black to women survive. In general I believe that this attitude has been passed down and unconsciously adopted by African-Americans over generations and the goal now is to continue to survive both physically and psychologically. I know that the Strong Black Woman schema is connected with black women but everyday, black men AND women have to survive the workplace, the classroom, home, and society. Over time we have learned that expressing our true and authentic feelings about negative situations could result in consequences that label us, confine us, and sadly...kill us.

2. Cultural Mistrust

Literature has shown that enslaved Africans were brutalized culturally, physically, socially, and emotionally. After slavery was abolished in 1865, segregation was legalized and this system kept black people in a subordinate status by denying them equal access to public facilities. People of color were to live apart from white people which only perpetuated the message that to be black is to be inferior. From the past era of The Civil Rights Movement to the current era of the Black Lives Matter Movement we can see where the judicial system failed the black population. When looking specifically at healthcare we can see another major systemic failure that has put the black community at a huge disadvantage in relation to mental health services.

The Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment for example, was a significant historical event that had a huge negative affect on the way African-American's view health care and the field of medicine. I encourage you to read about this if you are unfamiliar with this account. Basically, hundreds of poor black men were recruited for a study that promised to treat them for "bad blood." These men signed up for this study under false pretenses and were promised free meals, free treatment, and burial insurance. Out of 600 black men, 399 were diagnosed with syphilis. The men with syphilis were NOT told that were NOT being treated for the diagnosis rather just watched until they eventually died so that their bodies could be examined for research. You should also know that even after penicillin was discovered, these men were NOT offered that treatment. This study DESTROYED the trust many African-Americans held for medical institutions and this mistrust continues even today.


3. Stigma

Many people in the African-American community think that if they seek professional help than that means that they are crazy. Because of the discourse of mental disorders in the black community disorders such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, and suicide are all looked at as crazy. In doing a Google search on black people and mental health, I saw a picture that read, "Black people don't commit suicide!" I believe that education is the key in disrupting these false messages about mental health. They more we know, the more we can do!


4. Cost

Let's be real. Going to God costs absolutely NOTHING and that is the awesome thing about God! You don't have to worry about how much is in your account to talk to Him. You can talk to God anytime about anything. The sad reality is that many African-Americans who would like to receive professional help, can't afford it. Therapy is not only a commitment but it is also an investment. Insurance coverage, out of pocket costs, and unemployment are key factors in determining whether or not an individual is able to attend therapy. A recent article that I read stated that even though financial resources are a barrier, the stigma and historical context of seeking professional help outside of the church supersede that barrier for many people of color.

5. Replacing or Betraying God

I think that many African-Americans may feel that if they seek help outside of the church they are betraying God. I know for me, I believed that the thought of seeking help meant that I didn't trust God to help me with my situation. Contrary to what you may have heard, seeking out professional help does NOT mean that you're betraying God, don't trust God, or that you have a lack of faith in God. Think about it....do you feel like you're betraying God when you go to the doctor? No, because you understand that you need a professional to help relieve you from the physical pain that you're experiencing right? Well if you don't feel like a traitor for going to the doctor, than you shouldn't feel that way going to see a therapist to get relief from the emotional pain that you're experiencing. A doctor, lawyer, teacher, policeman, judge, (the list can go on)...can NEVER replace God...NEVER!! We accept these various professional services because we know that they are in place to help us when we need it.

6. Quiet is Kept

When I was growing up, the rule was we never talked about what went on in my house outside of my house. That was it, end of discussion. In many black homes that rule still stands. And again, as I've talked about above, the failures of so many major societal systems has caused many African-Americans to not trust any other entity outside of their community. On top of that there is is an element of shame that comes with talking about "dirty laundry" and this is because a lot of times that laundry is linked to the family. I read an article about how difficult it is for black people in particular to talk about their problems because in doing that they would also have to face that their family has failed them in some way. I find this interesting. A person may argue, "Well I'm not black and my family failed me too. Talking about it isn't any easier for me." I'm not saying that this hypothetical argument isn't true. What I am saying is that, in comparison to people who are white, black people have experienced several types of systemic failures including healthcare, court, police, education, and employment. To then add their own family to that list could make a person of color so ashamed that they would prefer to just suffer in silence and try to cope in other ways without talking to someone else about it.

7. Going Against What the Preacher Says

An article looking at African-American pastors and their responses to the mental health issues of their congregants found that black pastors are often faced with mental health issues within their churches. Statistics show that nearly 80% of African-Americans identify religion and spirituality as an important part of their lives. It is understandable then that black church goers would seek help from their pastors in regards to their mental health issues. Unfortunately, within the black church there are different messages regarding what one should do to address mental health issues and as a result black people are less likely to seek out a counselor outside of the church. I want to make sure to point out the stats and research on this subject so that you know that there is evidence out there, but in my own experience I have witnessed more pastors discouraging professional help seeking than encouraging it. A dear friend of mine told me that she went to her pastor a few years ago to talk about suicidal thoughts that she was having. Her pastor's response was giving her a few encouraging scriptures and telling her to stay "prayed up." She continued to struggle with suicidal thoughts for the next few years until she decided to see a counselor. The pastors in the study stated that they did communicate to their congregants that having a lack of faith could be a possible cause of anxiety and depression. So again I ask, "What do you do?"...when you consider yourself a person of faith but you're experiencing feelings and thoughts you don't understand only to go to church and be told that you don't have enough faith and that's why you feel this way. What message does that send?? I both agree and disagree with that statement. I agree that sometimes my lack of faith has had a strong negative affect on my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I disagree that having a lack of faith is ALWAYS the sole reason why I may experience negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Again as I stated in the beginning of this post, my goal here is to EDUCATE my community not criticize it. As a black person who believes and serves God I know how difficult it is to admit that you need help. I know what it feels like when the church by itself isn't helping. I believe that God created special people to be special resources OUTSIDE of the church so that we could connect with people in not just a professional way but also a spiritual way. This is my purpose...I get the chance to bring God into every session and every class and every interaction I have whether I mention Him directly or not. He sits and is present with me to help me be the best help to someone else....even if they don't acknowledge or believe in Him. Please, if you need help seek it out. Pray and ask God for direction to lead you to the right professional....no more suffering in silence....no more.

Desperate for You

(Photograph taken by Jennifer Alder)

I remember when I was about 15 years old, I had a boyfriend named "Jordan." I had the biggest crush on Jordan in middle school! As with children that age Jordan picked on me a lot once he found out that I liked him. His actions made me think that he didn't like me at all, I mean he talked about me and made me cry, he pulled my hair, he even tried wrestling with me once! Well...all of that seemed to change once we went to high school. Jordan started meeting me at my locker after school, writing me love notes, and then he admitted that he liked me. I wasn't quite sure how to process this because for all of 8th grade he completely dissed me but now things had changed?? We were only in 9th grade so its not like that much time had passed. "You know what...WHO CARES!" I thought. It didn't matter what caused Jordan's change of heart, he liked me now and that's all that mattered! From that point on, we were inseparable. Jordan and I began catching the bus together to and from school and we spent a lot of time at each other's houses (Jordan stayed within walking distance from me). Everything was going great! My middle school crush was now my high school boyfriend...my first REAL boyfriend and I was on cloud 9 because MY boyfriend was oh so fine!

Well after about 7 months, Jordan began pressuring me to have sex, now keep in mind... I was still 15 years old and so was Jordan. At this point I began to feel weird because I didn't know what to make of what he was asking me to do. My parents never talked to me about sex so I didn't understand the concept...a part of me didn't want to understand. I knew nothing about sex but I did know that I wasn't ready for it. I remember the day so well. Jordan came over my house and we were playing video games in the basement (SIDE NOTE TO PARENTS: ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CHILDREN IN OPEN SPACES WHERE THEY CAN BE MONITORED WHEN THEY HAVE FRIENDS OVER. SO MUCH CAN HAPPEN OUT OF YOUR SIGHT!) My dad would often work outside in the yard and my mom worked long hours so I wasn't monitored a whole lot on the rare occasions when I did have company over. Jordan and I weren't having sex but a lot of other physical contact was being made. We didn't engage oral sex either (I didn't even know what that was at 15) but we did make out a lot. Making out involves heavy petting/rubbing against/feeling on and lots of kissing. I never removed my clothing but those interactions were still pretty intense for 15 year olds. On this particular day, after we were tired of playing video games, Jordan turned to me and asked me when would I be ready to have sex. I honestly didn't have an answer because I didn't want to think about sex. I was happy with making out and playing video games. I looked at Jordan and I could tell that my hesitation was annoying him. I had to come up with an answer, so I told him the best most truthful answer I could think of. I looked at him and said nervously, "I don't know. Maybe I'll be ready when I'm 18." I figured 18 was a good age to be ready because I would be all grown up by then (yeah right) but that's honestly what I thought at the time. "Eighteen??!" Jordan exclaimed. He arose from the couch and headed towards the stairs. He looked at me and shook his head and I watched him go up the stairs. "He's leaving!!" I thought. I began to panic. "He can't leave, I want him to stay!" I got up and called his name but he was already out the door. I had to do something to make him come back, but what?? Fifteen is the age when I displayed my first act of desperation connected to a man...well boy in this case. I caught up with him and he told me to stay away from him. Shattered, I continued to follow him at a distance. I didn't want Jordan to know that I was still following him so as he walked down the street, I walked down an alley parallel to the street hoping that when I exited the alley he would be there. Now how desperate was that?? Allies depending on where you live can be dangerous. I lived in a pretty good middle class neighborhood but still I was a young girl walking alone...anything could've happened to me. When I exited the alley I did see Jordan and he turned around and saw me. He walked up to me and said, "Look, I told you to quit following me! I'm not waiting til I'm 18 to do it because I started at 13 so are we gonna do this or not??" With tears in my eyes I was silent because I knew that I couldn't give him the answer that he wanted. "That's what I thought." He proceeded to walk across the street and I knew there wasn't a point of going after him. I slowly turned around, wiped my eyes with my shirt and walked home.

This was my first encounter with desperation...at the young age of 15...unfortunately it wasn't the last as I grew older. It's not easy for a woman to admit that she's acting desperate. Admission of desperation isn't easy because it's a double admission. A woman admitting that she's desperate is also admitting that she's lacking something and with that comes shame and embarassment. Every woman's reasons are different. My reason for acting desperate at different points in my life was I didn't want to be alone. I lacked security and love as a child and this void...this dark and deep void...caused me to feel afraid every time I was by myself. Jordan was my first distraction. When I was with him, I didn't think about the scary things going on at home or going on within myself, so when he left that fear crept up on me like a monster and I did anything I could to get away from it. From that experience I learned that to not feel afraid, I needed a man. That led to me putting up with and settling for any kind of man...just so that I wouldn't be alone...just so that I wouldn't have to face the scary things. That's how desperate I was.

I'm thankful because NOW I'm only desperate for one thing and that's GOD. When I showed men my desire to do anything to be with them, they took advantage of me and turned right around and left. The efforts I put in to AVOID what I was afraid of always led me right back to the fear. I gave my life to Christ in August of 2008 and that happened because I made a desperate move. At the age of 23 I suffered the most horrible trial of my life and that trial almost made me take my own life. I had to do something...and with every piece of energy that I had left, I crawled to Christ. I crawled because I couldn't run...shame and suicide were slowing me down...but I crawled right to the altar and gave everything I had to God.

"Now a woman, having a flow of blood for twelve years, who had

spent all of her livelihood on physicians and could not be healed by any,

came from behind and touched the border His garment. And immediately her flow

of blood stopped."

~Luke 8: 43-44 (NKJV)

My question to YOU is, how desperate are you?? What lengths would you be willing to go to in order to get to God?? This woman was so desperate to see Jesus that she pushed and pressed through a crowd of people just to touch His clothes for a healing! Her desperate action resulted in an IMMEDIATE blessing!!! In Genesis 32:24, Jacob was so desperate to receive a blessing from God that he wrestled with God ALL NIGHT!! In Luke 19:4, Zacchaeus was so desperate to see God that he climbed a tree just to get a better view! Again I ask, how desperate are you for God?! I remember how desperate I was in my attempts to make Jordan stay. I was willing to follow him for blocks through and alley just to get his attention, but the reality of the situation was that Jordan couldn't do anything for me. The best thing he did for me was walk away. God showed me through all of my experiences with men that He would NEVER leave me and He would help me to face my fears! This is why at the age of 32 I'm so desperate for God! I'm desperate for the One who has all that I need and desire. I'm desperate for the One who loves me like none other. I'm desperate for the One who knows me better than anyone. I'm desperate for the One who gave His life for me. I'm desperate for the One who has never broken my heart or my trust. I'm desperate for the One who blesses me beyond measure. I'm desperate for the One who saved my life! I'll do whatever it takes to get more of God. I'll hope when I feel hopeless, I'll tithe when I'm broke, I'll believe when I'm surrounded by doubt, I'll have faith in what I don't see, I'll praise when I feel like crying, I'll worship when I feel like giving up, I'll go to church when I'm tired...I WILL DO WHAT IT TAKES TO GET TO HIM!!!

Please understand that being desperate for God isn't a bad thing. Words depending on the context in which they are used can take on totally different meanings. Being desperate for God doesn't mean making extreme efforts to convince God to pay attention to you. You have God's attention because He loves you and is always thinking about you. Being desperate in this context means just wanting MORE:

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;

Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!"

~Psalm 34:8 (NKJV)

I thought that this article was good in helping to explain what being desperate for God means. Hopefully it can help to bring more understanding:

What It Really Means to Be 'Desperate for God'

I encourage you to go after God with all that you have. Chase Him, seek Him, trust Him...

These are perilous and desperate times that we are living in today and we need God!

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Do whatever it takes to get whatever you need from God!

Daddy Issues

The biggest insult that I received when I was a child was being called a "Daddy's girl" I couldn't stand that phrase because it was a lie...a painful lie. Whenever family would come around, they would look at me standing next to my father and say that lie over and over again. I would respond by smiling on the outside while I cringed on the inside. They had NO idea that the man that stood next to me was a man that I looked at as a monster. As a child, I saw my father abuse drugs and alcohol regularly. I saw him abuse my mother and brother...regularly. My innocent eyes were raped with visions of violence and pain...regularly.

As an adult I understand that many of the issues that I've endured were mostly tied to the issues that I had with my father. I believe that there are thousands of women out there who are suffering because of Daddy issues. Your self-esteem is suffering, your marriage is suffering, your ability to parent effectively is suffering, your dreams are SUFFERING because the first most important male figure in your life...made you suffer.

Thinking retrospectively, I had developed many negative characteristics because of the strained relationship that I had with my father. Insecurity was a huge one. I was always unsure about myself because my dad never assured me of anything. He never reflected my beauty or acknowledged my greatness. He never said, "I love you" and he never showed me any type of affection. I didn't feel safe with him for obvious reasons, I was always on guard...always had the wall up. I had to protect myself because the person who was supposed to protect me was the same person who was attacking me and my family. So from the very beginning, my impression of my father was negative. I identified him as my enemy. I didn't realize how much anger I had inside myself because of him. Now that I look back on it, I was a very angry little girl. I didn't display anger in the way that you might be thinking. I wasn't fighting in school, having angry outbursts, or bullying other kids. I was a very good student, always brought home A's and maybe a B or two every report card, I was always on honor roll and was inducted into the junior honor society in middle school. I was even the school's spelling bee champion. On the outside it seemed like everything was great, but on the inside I was in constant pain. I remember me and my friends walking home from school many days and hearing my parents arguing from outside of my house. Try explaining that to your friends as they awkwardly walk away from you. In my mind I didn't know what they were thinking about me or my house. Every time I stepped into my house I felt like I was stepping into a line of fire...a war zone. All I could hope for was that no one was hurt. Can you imagine a child never wanting to go home? Yeah, that was me.

I watched my father cheat on my mother with multiple women. I watched her cry and then deny that she even cared. I listened as he made phone calls that caused him to whisper in our house. I watched him hurt her over and over again. I watched, I listened, and then I recorded all of this in my mind because that's what kids do...they record everything whether they're trying to or not.

High school was the point where my anger began to peek out. I was still a good student but my behavior was getting careless and my judgement was getting cloudy. By this time I've transformed from a angry little girl to an angry teen girl. I've already learned that when it comes to men, cheating was something that women just dealt with, whether they liked it or not. I learned that the way to cope with pain was to deny that you were feeling it. I learned that men break promises and they lie. I learned that you can't believe that a man will help take care of you so you must always ALWAYS take care of yourself. I learned that no matter what, you stay in bad relationships. I applied this tainted knowledge to my social relationships. Each act of disrespect, abuse, and selfishness that I saw from my dad chipped away at the amount of respect that I had for him. By the time I got to high school, I had no respect for my dad at all. NONE. l began to explore relationships with boys when I was in the ninth grade and because I had no covering and no teaching from my father, I was just "out there" winging these interactions based on a faulty model of loving relationships. When I should have been focusing on going to college, I was instead focusing on having a boyfriend; this is a direct result of having a father be INACTIVE in the life of his daughter. I got into two relationships during my high school years and both of them ended in very ugly and painful ways. I was cheated on and lied to and I dealt with things that I could've easily walked away from but I didn't because I never saw one single woman in my family walk away.

When I was freshman in college that's when my anger took over. College is a different ball game people...it is! Teens are now entering the developmental stage of what psychologists call emerging adulthood; the age range for this group is 18-29.  This is a very confusing time for young people because there is an awareness of getting older which causes them to pull away from the immaturity and naivety of adolescence while they're also pushing themselves to be more responsible as they move closer towards adulthood. Research has shown that emerging adults feel "in-between" those to worlds and even though they are experiencing more responsibility they don't necessarily feel like an actual adult. Identity is a huge concept at this stage too because young people within this group are trying to figure out who they are and what path they would like to take in life. I had no identity as a young adult. I defined myself based on what the world thought of me which led to me having very low self-esteem. I tried to combat low self-esteem with loving the wrong men because these men gave me the attention that I always wanted from who?....MY FATHER. Even though these men were wrong for me they paid attention to me, they told me that I was beautiful and that they loved me. I mean yes the men were lying (lol) but still they told me what I wanted to hear, things that I wish I could've heard from my father. I didn't know that I was smart, beautiful, or that I was a queen so when men told me these things, lie or not, I was hooked.

Another Daddy issue that I developed had to do with trusting men. Me not being able to trust my dad led to me to associate and be in relationships with men who were not trustworthy. Isn't that ironic?? I was so hurt and angered by my father's lies and contradictory behavior that you would think that I would run FAR away from that type of man...but no. Ladies, it's important to see here that we have the tendency to be attracted to men who are just like our fathers; that could be a good thing or a bad thing. I didn't make the conscious choice to pick men like my dad but psychologically I did that because my father was my FIRST and ONLY example of a man, so since childhood my brain had been trained to think that this is the type of man to look for in a mate. Being with men that I couldn't trust only exacerbated my trust issues and I believed that no man could be trusted...no man.

Every romantic relationship I ever had was a some type of filler. I had such a huge void within myself. A huge hole left in my heart caused my dad and everything that he didn't do. I unconsciously used these bad relationships to fill this hole, but with each hurt that I endured that hole just seemed to get larger and deeper.

FATHERS I need you to understand that your role in your daughters life is SO IMPORTANT for their  development and well being!!! You are the key that unlocks everything within your daughter! YOU set the standard for her and she will be using YOUR example to measure EVERY male interaction she has!

DAUGHTERS I need you to understand that we all come from different backgrounds. Some of you may have great fathers. Some of you may have been abandoned and/or rejected from your fathers. Some of you may have know idea who your father is. Some of you (like me) may have had your father present in the home but he was absent is all other areas of your life. No matter what the circumstance just know that you have a father and His name is JESUS. The Bible says:

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you;

He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

~Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV)

Today, the relationship between my father and I is in a much better place. All I can say is PRAYER WORKS! I still don't consider myself a Daddy's girl BUT I am my father's child and I'm proud of that. Ladies, if you're single PLEASE take this time to work on yourself and resolve not just your Daddy issues but ALL of your issues. A future marriage will not survive if you take out your anger towards your father on your husband. To all of my married ladies, if your marriage is suffering because you expect your husband to make up for everything your father did to you STOP IT NOW. Stop making your husband an involuntary victim of YOUR past and YOUR pain. 

Please watch these links below, they are extremely powerful and will help you to heal. Stay uplifted and encouraged!

3 Ways Women Become Daddyless

The 7 "UNS" of Daddyless Daughters

Telling the Radical Truth

Walk Like A Wife

When we're born, our parents revel and rejoice in the moment when we take our first steps. They rush to get their phone or video camera as they cheer us on as we wobble our way across the floor. With each shaky step we become stronger and stronger over time and before we know it we're not just walking but we're running! We were taught to walk and were supported and soothed each time we fell.

Even though babies are taught by their parents/caregivers to walk and talk, I find that a lot of children are not taught about how to prepare for life. I can only speak from my personal experiences and the experiences of those who have shared their stories with me. I'm not in any way saying that all children lack preparation for life, but many children do. As a child growing up I wasn't encouraged to help in the kitchen and learn how to cook. I didn't really know anything about how to make a house a home. I wasn't taught about how to save and spend money wisely. I didn't know anything about taxes or how to fill out a W2 correctly when I got my first job. I wasn't taught how to take care of a car (basic maintenance). I wasn't taught about sex and relationships with boys/men. I learned a lot more from my mistakes than from my parents. In no way am I blaming my parents for what they didn't teach me...even though I used to. To be honest, I resented my parents when I got much older for all the things that I had to learn the hard way because I felt so unprepared. God had to purge my heart of that resentment and He opened my eyes to show me two things: (1) My parents weren't taught a lot of things either so they did their best with what they were given. (2) God revealed that I would be the person to break the generational cycle of "the blind leading the blind". I'm glad that God was patient with me as I worked through the issues I had with my parents. It took several years for me to understand that I wasn't the only one suffering from lack of teaching and support but my mother and father were victims of the same thing. Teaching your children important life lessons is important, even if those lessons are taught from your mistakes. There are too many people in this world making careless and unnecessary mistakes due to lack of knowledge:

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge..."

~Hosea 4:6 (KJV)

One thing that we must understand is that everything that wasn't taught to us, we can still learn. Yes, it's unfortunate that the individuals who were supposed to teach us the most important lessons didn't but you can't get stuck there. So many people, myself included, create a pit out of their own pity. I'm here to encourage you to reach out your hand so that God can pull you out of that pit TODAY!

"Because he loves me, says the LORD, I will rescue him;

I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call on me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble,

I will deliver him and honor him."

~Psalm 91: 14-15 (NIV)

At the age of 32, God is teaching me a very important lesson: How to walk like a wife. Like I've stated in this post and previous posts, I had very poor examples of love and relationships in my home growing up and in my family in general. I couldn't use this environment as study material in becoming a spouse and God knew this. Just because I couldn't use my environment as study material, that didn't mean that God couldn't use it as teaching material. This is why God is the most AMAZING teacher!!! God placed a seed in my spirit, a seed of curiosity that made me so thirsty that the only way I could satisfy it was to seek ways to understand human behavior so that I could help repair in others what was broken in me. Helping others as a counselor helped me to see how much potential I had to make a difference in not just the lives of other people but in my own life as well!

As a counselor I have been able to provide treatment to couples in need of help. In helping these couples I had to seek God and educate myself on the best methods to address common issues that were uniquely expressed within each couple. Each session for them was also a lesson for me. Even though couples looked to me for help, they had no idea how much they were helping me. My office dubbed as a classroom and from that I learned great and insightful lessons dealing with communication, submissiveness, sex, support, and family life. One of the biggest lessons that I learned doing marriage counseling was the high level of damage that can occur when unresolved individual issues are brought into a marriage making them marital issues. I of course had the academic training and experience to do my job competently but because I'm also a woman of God an extra component was added that allowed me to learn in ways that my previous training and experience couldn't have taught me.

Below are 5 things that you as a single woman should be doing to prepare yourself for marriage if that is your desire:

1. SEE LIKE A WIFE

You have to have a vision of your marriage ladies. I'm not just talking about envisioning your wedding ceremony and honeymoon. I'm challenging you to think DEEPER than that! Your ceremony will be very beautiful to say the least BUT marriage is more than just the ceremony and the honeymoon. What do you see BEYOND that? As a future wife you need to begin praying for the vision for your ministry aka your marriage because believe it or not marriage IS a ministry. Your union will impact those around you. Your marriage will cause others to either be inspired to follow the example of your relationship OR it will cause others to look for a better example. You have to have a vision for the man that you hope to marry. I've had many visions of my future husband without seeing his face and this is because God blesses me with seeing his CHARACTER before allowing me to see physical features. Just through dating, speaking with, and observing different men, I know what kind of man my husband is and is NOT. Ladies, too many of you have visions for a ceremony but have NO idea what type of man you should be marrying and that's a big problem. Also, if your desire is to be a wife...you have to SEE YOURSELF AS A WIFE! I know you're single but when you look in the mirror you should see a wife...not a woman wanting to be a wife. If you don't see yourself as a wife, no man will.

2. THINK LIKE A WIFE

Every decision you make as a single woman will effect your husband....really. Who you choose to date, what men you choose to associate with, who you choose to sleep with (if you haven't please read my post "9 Years" it's about celibacy), who you choose to spend time with...ALL of these kinds of choices will either progress or prolong your introduction to your husband. You have to think like a wife meaning that you have to exercise wisdom and discernment when interacting with men so that you're not wasting time with the wrong man! As a future wife, I know that any man that wants me just for my body ISN'T my husband and I no longer need to talk or go out with him. As a future wife I know that I shouldn't be entertaining men because I'm bored with waiting on my husband to show up. What if my husband did show up and he saw me sitting at a restaurant with another man?! He wouldn't approach me and now I've added an unnecessary chapter to my love story that was never meant to be there. MODIFY YOUR MIND FOR MARRIAGE. Wives are always thinking of others and helping others. Think about it, they're either serving their husbands or their children. Wives are dedicated to helping others. As a future wife waiting on your husband who are you helping in the meantime? Whether it be clients at your job, friends, or doing work in your community....you should be helping someone! Believe it or not, your day to day experiences may seem unrelated to marriage but they're actually training you for marriage more than you think.

3. SPEAK LIKE A WIFE

When I go out on dates I always speak the language of the long term, meaning I talk about the future and what I desire for my future. Women who just want to be girlfriends often speak the slang of the short term, meaning only talking about the present and taking each day as it comes. Women with a girlfriend mentality are ok with "just seeing where things go" but women who know they are wives have a destination in mind. As a future wife, you must be bold in speaking your truth about what you desire. Too many times women water down aspects of what they want when going out with men because they think that they're asking for too much when really they're just asking the wrong man for things that they can't provide. We sometimes water down our truth when it comes to asking our heavenly Father for what we want (please read my previous post "All You Have to do is Ask). We feel that if we ask God for a man that loves Him just as much as we do, a man who's celibate like we are, a man that will lead, a man that will provide, a man who will be a great father, a man that prays, a man who's romantic that it'll be too much. We play it safe and just ask God for a "good" man because we don't really expect God to come through and bring us a man like that. But a wife knows that she can ask anything of her husband and he will provide it because he loves her that much. The Bible says:

"For your maker is your husband, The Lord of hosts is his name..."

~Isaiah 54:5 (NKJV)

So since God is our husband, we can ask Him anything concerning our earthly husbands and He will come through! Speaking like a wife also means praying and interceding for your future husband, he's going through challenges too on his way to finding you and he needs prayer! If you're able to have his back in the spiritual just think of all the ways you can support him when he arrives and begins to share his dreams with you!

4. COMMIT LIKE A WIFE 

When a person commits to something or someone it means that they carry out a promise, they make a pledge, and they dedicate themselves fully. This what you will be doing when you say "I do." But as a future wife in training you must learn how to commit to your future husband NOW. What do you promise to do? I made a promise to not give up on my husband finding me no matter how frustrated, sad, or impatient I became. This promise hasn't been easy to keep but I'm COMMITTED to it. I just made a new promise to my husband the other day in prayer that I will do works of faith to keep my faith strong and to keep it alive because everyday doubt tries to kill my faith. I'm committed to protecting my faith because without it I won't meet my husband and most importantly I won't be able to please God!

"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God

must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who 

diligently seek Him."

~Hebrews 11:6 (NKJV)

5. WALK LIKE A WIFE

As a future wife you must walk like a wife every day. Walk it out girl! The past few months I've noticed that people have been complimenting me on my "glow".  People have told me time and time again that they've noticed something different in my presence and that whatever it is it's beautiful! I realized that the beauty that other people are seeing is joy. I have joy about what God is doing in my life. I have joy because the blessings that I have been given only prove that my husband is awesome! I'm confident that I don't have to compromise myself for a ring. I no longer tolerate disrespect and foolishness when it comes to men. I've gained so much of my time back because everyday I choose not to waste it! Ladies I encourage you to walk with your head and your standards held high! Now you might not feel joyful everyday and that's ok but know that your tears are temporary:

"For his anger is but for a moment, his favor is for life;

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes 

in the morning."

~Psalm 30:5 (NKJV)

Walk like a wife! Not a girlfriend, not a side chick, not a good time girl, not the main chick....but A WIFE!!! Think about this ladies as a final thought: When your husband finds you, he will be a husband NOT a boyfriend. He will have completed his training...will you stay the course and complete YOUR training? Your husband will be looking for a WIFE...so start acting like one.

Pastor John Gray - He Who Finds A Wife

Life or Death

In 2013, God placed a special seed within my womb. The seed was a vision.....for a film. The film was titled, "The Chain-Breaker Project". Over the next several months, I began to feel the joy and pains of the kicking of this baby. Maybe I'll write a post about the evolution and birthing of this film another time but the concept of this vision is very key to this post. When God gave me the vision of the film, He explained that I had to illustrate the invisible. God provided me with the strength to show what most people don't have the courage to show...their suffering.

In the film as the main character, I wore heavy metal chains that everyone else could see but me...all I felt was the weight and the pain of those chains. The chains represented different things that I was struggling with on the inside. Things like depression, childhood trauma, lies, broken heart, violence, shame, worry, fear, low self-esteem, soul ties/sex, and various other things that a person can suffer with including............suicide. A point that I didn't get to illustrate in the film was the fact that spiritual chains like the ones I just listed are not placed on us as adults rather as children. The devil is extremely smart. He knows that in order to hit us where it really hurts he has to plant a seed and help it to grow.

(The Chain-Breaker Project 2014, in this scene an angel

is freeing the main character from her chains)

As a child I didn't know what suicide was but when I look back on my childhood the signs were definitely there. As a counselor with an extensive background in psychology I can cleary see that suicide had been following me for a long time, it's just majority of that time I didn't know it. Like I said before, the devil is very smart...he had to wait for the right moment to try to kill me...by convincing me to kill myself. I remember when I was in the 4th or 5th grade I took a razor and slid it across my leg. I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt myself, I just wanted to see what it felt like. I didn't even break the skin, just the thought of cutting myself was too scary. I never touched a razor blade again after that. Remember when I said that the devil is smart? Well this is what I mean. Like I said, I didn't have any intentions of harming myself but the seed…the chain of suicide was intentionally placed within me at a young age. Over time, as I grew up my environment helped that suicidal seed within me grow and the chains became heavier. I say chains (plural) because nothing negative ever acts alone, there are always other negative things that develop. As a child and teenager I grew up witnessing a lot of abuse in my home…physical, emotional, and substance. My home environment provided a very poor example of how love functions and so my escape was hanging out in the streets until the early morning hours with the wrong people. When I would get back home, everyone would be sleep, so I would get a brief break from the chaos. 

Even though the example of love that I had was poor, it was the only example I had to go on. I used this example to "find" the love I was missing at home. Isn't that ironic, a lost girl trying to find something that she doesn't even understand and couldn't recognize. It didn't take long to find what I was so desperately looking for. I found love. I found tainted, false, and twisted versions of it in fake friendships and dead romantic relationships. These negative experiences along with the negative experiences I suffered at home helped that seed to not only grow but to take root which meant that it would be harder to rip out of me!!

I felt like my life was no longer worth living when I was 22 years old. I had gotten involved in a string of horrible situationships with men (because I was imitating my poor example of love) and my heart was so broken that I thought it was unfixable. At this point the devil could have pressed the detonate button on that bomb that was inside me…but it wasn't the right time…not yet. The seed had grown from suicidal curiosity to suicidal ideation.

Even though I had thought about suicide a few times during some stressful points in my life, it wasn't until I was 30 that my life really took a turn. The seed had grown and matured. Innocent curiosity of a child transformed into the intentional ideation of a young adult which then transformed in to the plan of an adult who had declared enough was enough! In a previous post I wrote titled, "Get Ready to Graduate" I talked about my last romantic relationship. My ex, "A" had hurt me so badly that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. From a child up until age 30 I had seen and suffered so much hurt, that the blow of this breakup caused my spirit to snap! I couldn't take another person lying to me, abusing me, not caring about me, and not loving me. No one seemed to care about how their actions affected me! I felt so alone!

Each morning I would get up and get ready for work. I would grab my keys, purse, and work bag and head out the door. Oops! I forgot. I would reenter my apartment and grab my cell phone and most importantly...can't forget this...my mask. The mask I wore day after day to cover my real face. My face that had tear swollen eyes and a frown. The mask helped me to function somewhat so that I could handle business....all my personal matters had to wait. I would come home crawl on the couch and just lay there. I ignored phone calls from my friends,  I wasn't interested in doing things that I really liked doing before the breakup occurred. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to talk period. I isolated myself and I can't even tell you how much the devil LOVES when you do that because then he can torture you as much as he wants! According to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, there's no distinct cause for suicide, but depression is the most common mental condition associated with it. In most cases of suicide or suicidal ideation the depression hasn't been diagnosed or treated. I thought about going to to get help, but the big questions were...FROM WHERE? FROM WHO??? I couldn't possibly talk to family about this because they wouldn't understand and I felt in part it was their fault. I couldn't talk to my friends because it looks like Juanita has it altogether! How would they look at me if they saw me falling apart like this?? I couldn't see a therapist because I AM A THERAPIST so no, no, no...I had to work this thing out on my own.

One morning I woke up crying. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom. I continued crying uncontrollably. All of a sudden I heard this thought:

"Remember that bottle of Tylenol that you bought the other day?

It's in your purse in the living room. Go get it."

As I stared to take my first step out of the bathroom, my legs wouldn't move. Literally, I couldn't move! Then I heard a voice say:

"Let it all out Juanita, it's alright. Just let me hold you,

and you just get it all out."

I couldn't process it at the time, but I know now that the first thought was the devil and the second thought was God. This is a real example of what spiritual warfare looks like! The breakup with A happened and the devil chose this day to press that button and watch me die BUT GOD! God intervened and disarmed that bomb that was ticking inside of me with His unconditional love! Not the false version that I had been taught but REAL LOVE!!! After about 20 minutes of heavy and intense crying, I could feel my legs move again. God trusted me not to hurt myself and I could feel Him in the spirit as He let go of me. I walked into my living and got the pills from my purse. I shook my head, The devil thought he had me...heck, he almost did have me. I immediately registered for counseling the next day and worked with my therapist for a year and a half. She was truly a godsend and she helped me so much!!!

I'm now 32 years old. I've been stressed and frustrated at times but I haven't had one suicidal thought since that incident (praise God). I value my life...so I chose life. I hope this post encourages anyone who is struggling with suicide. I need you to know that God loves you! If your struggling with trying to find reasons to live just think of the only one that really matters...God's love for you! The devil doesn't care about you! That's why he can suggest suicide to you because you don't matter to him! But...do you know what God thinks of you? Do you?? There are so many scriptures in the bible about how much God loves you and thinks about YOU:

"How precious are your thoughts about me O God. They cannot be numbered!

I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up, you are still with me!"

~Psalm 139: 17-18 (NLT)

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD,

thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)

Please click on the links below to educate yourself on the warning signs and prevention of suicide. Use this information not just for yourself but for others. Have the courage to have a conversation with someone who knows how to mask their suffering like I did day after day. A phone call, a hug, or a knock on the door could be the action you do that saves a persons life.

American Foundation of Suicide Prevention - Risk Factors of Suicide

Psychology Today - 6 Reasons Why

If you need to talk to someone NOW please call the National Suicide Lifeline for free and confidential help:

1-800-273-8255

(Available 24 hours a day)

9 Years

I'm very happy about this post because it's about something that means a lot to me.

I remember the day that I decided that I didn't want to have sex anymore until I was married. I was so unhappy...depressed actually. I was tired of my unsatisfying and purposeless sexual interactions. I felt like I was loosing myself. With each interaction I was giving a piece of myself away and the next thing I knew...I had nothing left. I was used up and lost. I remember two instances in particular:

I met my ex-boyfriend "S" in my sophomore year of high school. We were young, didn't have much responsibility, and had tons of time to spend together. When we began our relationship everything was great....until he began asking me about having sex. I was 16 at the time and I was a virgin. For a whole year S asked and asked and asked me about having sex. My response to him would always be the same, "I don't know if I'm ready for that right now. Maybe when I turn 18 I'll be ready." After a while though I began to feel the pressure. I went in search for an answer. I asked a minister at the church that I was attending why the bible says not to have sex outside of being married. The minister basically told me to not question God and to just do what He says. To this day, that was the worst advice I've ever received from someone and this started the slippery slope. After having this awkward and unhelpful conversation with the minister, I went home even more confused than before. When S asked me about sex for the 5,472nd time I thought to myself, "Why not?" Up until this point I hadn't heard of any real reason not to have sex, so what was the harm? S was a virgin too so I figured this would be a cool experience for the both of us. After we had sex I didn't feel any different. To be honest, I don't even remember the encounter which is sad because your first time should not be unforgettable or an encounter that you try to force yourself to forget. Anyway, fast forward a few years. S and I are sophomores in college now. I find out while sitting in class that S was cheating on me. Fast forward, I find out that S had been cheating on me with not just one girl but several. I also found out that he lied about being a virgin! He lied about so many things. My virginity was gone...I could never get it back. It was stolen from me by a lying cheater. I was devastated.

In 2008 I traveled to Florida to do my first out of state photo shoot. I was excited and nervous to fly out on my own to do something that I'd never done. To my surprise a guy (I'll call him "C") that I was introduced to by a friend had flown down to Florida to visit his family right before I did. While he was there, I was in Michigan so I when I had flown down he had just returned to Michigan. We had just missed each other by a day or two. When we were initially introduced we had taken casual interest in one another and we started hanging out and talking on the phone. When C found out that I was in Florida, he called me. We were both shocked and disappointed that we had missed each other. A few days later, C called me and asked how things were going in Florida. I told him the area that I was staying in and some things that I had done. The next day I was surprised to hear that C had flown back down to Florida to see me! I was staying in a motel and when C met me at the door I was speechless! I felt so special! A guy had taken a flight just to come and see lil ol' me! I jumped into his arms and we shared mutual smiles and laughs. I called my friend (who had introduced us) and screamed about what had just happened. After ending my call, I turned around and asked C what he wanted to do. In my mind I'm thinking watching a movie or going out to dinner, but no, I was sadly mistaken. I was bubbling over with anticipation for the potential activities for the evening. Well, my bubble was burst big time when I saw C smirk and put his hand in his pocket. As I looked at his hand, I saw C pull  a gold square out of his pocket....a condom. I shuttered inside. I thought I was special...special enough for a guy to take a flight...special enough to spend time with...but in that moment the message that I received was that I wasn't special enough. As soon as C's eyes lined up with mine after we both looked up from his pocket, I felt tears on my cheeks. C didn't fly down to Florida to see me...he flew down for a good old fashion booty call. I told C to leave, I just couldn't believe this was happening. C returned to my room a few hours later. When I opened the door, C's face looked confused like he didn't know how to read my facial expression. He didn't know if me opening the door was a good or a bad thing. With few words I gestured C to come into the room. Before he could speak I told him that we could have sex. My attitude about what I had just said was flat and because of this contradiction he asked me if I was sure about what I had said. I shook my head yes, I mean that's what he came down here for right?? Obviously I wasn't special enough to take out on a date or have a fun conversation with so why not just give the man what he wants?? This message had been repeated and reinforced to me time and time again, "Juanita, you're good enough to have sex with but that's it." I cut off all the lights in the room and we proceeded to have sex. I looked out of the motel window and I felt tears streak the side of my face. I sniffed quietly as I cried in silence and C asked me if I were ok and if he should stop. At that point it didn't even matter to me. When it was over I had nothing else to say to C. He gathered his things and left. We never spoke or saw each other again after that.

These two accounts along with others helped me to realize that I was not enjoying sex...AT ALL. It took me a few years to realize that as long as I did sex my way, I would never enjoy it:

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are

outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who

is in you, whom you have received from God?

You are not your own; you were bought at a price.

Therefore honor God with your bodies."

~I Corinthians 6: 18-20 (NIV)

I learned many hard lessons having sex outside of the will of God. The good thing that came out of this is that...I learned from these lessons. I made the decision to be celibate in August of 2008 and I haven't looked back since. This month I'm happy to celebrate 9 years of celibacy!!!! I have learned so much about myself on this journey. I want to encourage YOU today. If you're reading this post and are contemplating celibacy, I want you to make the informed decision to do so, not because I'm asking you but because that's what God requires from you (if you're unmarried). 

Celibacy reminds me every single day that I deserve the BEST man that God has to offer. I learned the hard way about what happens when I choose for myself and I want to break that hurtful cycle. Celibacy should not be looked at as a punishment or a life sentence rather it should be CELEBRATED! My great friend Carmen Jackson actually encouraged me to have a big celebration for my celibacy anniversary. It was at that point that I realized that I never really acknowledged celibacy in either a negative or positive way. Up until recently, celibacy was just something that I worked hard to "get through" each year but now I realize I don't have to just get through...I can enjoy this part of my journey!! Do you know what keeps me going?...two things. My motivation to keep walking this walk is knowing that I'm living a life that is pleasing to God! Another motivator is an image that I hold in my mind about the look in my future husbands eyes when we're standing across from each other at the altar I tell him how happy I am to give myself to him for the rest of my life, in every way. For him to know that I disciplined myself for years in order to prepare for a special, intimate, and God ordained encounter with him and only him will cause us both to be elated to the fullest!

I need you all to understand that we live in a day where sex has a major influence on the way we think and behave. A lot of people are controlled by their flesh and sexual desires are constantly being reinforced by the world's messages of, "Doing whatever with whoever whenever is perfectly OK!" Think about it...music, television, books, magazines...sex is EVERYWHERE but it's very rare that you'll see it connected with marriage.

I'm not in any way saying that being married is all about having sex because it most definitely is NOT. There are a lot of Christians who are excited about marriage for the wrong reasons. Just getting married to have spiritual authorization to have sex is not enough to sustain the marriage itself. I think that's why celibacy is so important. Celibacy has opened my eyes to the bigger picture of marriage and what it really means. I'm super excited at the thought of being intimate with my future husband (I mean after all it has been 9 years haha) BUT I also know that sex can't cook a meal, pay a bill, clean a home, or fix every argument. Celibacy challenges me to prepare for my husband in other important ways...ways that will KEEP MY MARRIAGE and to be honest sex can't keep a marriage.

The thing that is unique (and difficult) about people who have already experienced sex and made the decision to be celibate is that your body will always have cravings for sex. It's up to you to make sure that you keep your flesh under control. You don't want to block your blessings because your words and your actions are contradicting each other:

"I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should.

Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might 

be disqualified."

~I Corinthians 9:27 (NLT)

This verse is saying that you MUST train your flesh to obey the word of God and resist the devil. Athletes spend countless hours training in order to prepare their bodies to endure the physical brutality of various sports. Just like the physical, you must also spend countless hours training your flesh in prayer, fasting, tithing, knowing the bible, and being obedient so that you can endure the spiritual brutality that comes when you turn away from what the world is doing. 

"It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should

avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn

to control your own body in a way that is holy and

honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans,

who do not know God"

~I Thessalonians 4: 3-5 (NIV)

Today I celebrate 9 years of celibacy. I celebrate 9 years of discipline. I celebrate 9 years of glorifying God by treating my body like a holy temple. I celebrate 9 years of preparing for my wonderful future husband who I believe is closer to me than ever before. I celebrate 9 years of trusting God and His ways even though my body doesn't always understand. I celebrate 9 years of good days and bad days. Today I celebrate and continue the journey.

I absolutely LOVE this poem! It sums up everything about my celibacy journey and only increases my faith in waiting for my future husband. 

Enjoy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igCj3jsbcqs